Can I truly forgive his affair?

[Myusernameisthiss]

Me and dh have been married for 8 months. We have been together for 4 years in September.

I found out 2 months ago that he has practically been cheating on me for the whole of our relationship.

So while I was planning our wedding and thinking we had a future together, he was in an online relationship with a women he'd known (through the internet) for 10 years. He said he used to speak to her on and off over these years.
He met her once in person, by coincidence of him working in her town for work training. they kissed and that was it.
Our relationship did start to go bad when we never had sex. He acknowledged this was a problem but said he didn't know why and never tried to change it.
I found out he had been video calling this women, masterbating to her, sending her money for photos of her and watching a lot of porn.
He used to say he would leave me for her, that he loved her so much, that he wanted to adopt her kid, etc etc
I found out about the affair because he blocked her and she found me and told me everything.

She tried to lie a lot when she told me. I know she was lieing, I have proof of that and I do believe he has told me the truth now about everything.

When this all came out and I decided my marriage was worth trying for, he had a good sex drive but about 2 weeks after this, the sex was gone again.
He has swore to me he isn't cheating or watching porn.

I am becoming obsessed with the thoughts of him having an affair now, because we don't have sex.
I tell him this. I communicate as much as I can and he doesn't know what to do.

I don't know if I can truely forgive what he has done. Even though I want to, I think the fact my children love him and the extra income coming into the house are the only reasons I want to try.

We go on holiday next week and I just don't know what to do. I have to go through with the holiday, but after. I keep playing in my mind what I am going to do when I ask him to leave. Like I've already made my mind up.

Please , has anyone ever experienced something like this and has any advice?
I know most will say leave him, he doesn't deserve me, etc. And I honestly can say I'd say the same to someone else before this happened to me.

I feel so lost and torn and undecided with it all.

It’s the same pattern again .. and possibly will repeat itself ... you need to decide what you want and what you deserve out of this relationship. It’s easy for us to say LTB but you need to be able to live with whatever decision you make ...

god I'd be gone. Go now before you have anymore to lose.

My friend's husband did something similar - online affair etc no real physical contact. She "forgave" him because they had 2 children and they limped on. nothing really changed though. When they finally divorced 10 years later, his older son hated him and felt he had grown up in a toxic home because of his dad. Waste of 10 years and a potentially happy home.

When this all came out and I decided my marriage was worth trying for
WHY????
Read back your OP.
What would you advise a friend?
He told you quite clearly he loved her.
He would leave you for her.
We wanted to adopt her child.
He masturbates for her.
He's probably addicted to porn.
He has no sex drive due to the 'death grip'
And you still stayed.

Please raise your bar.
What if your DD told you this about her husband?
What would you advise?
This guy is a lying, cheating scumbag and a total sleaze.
He's a fucked up example of a male role model for your DC.
He doesn't respect or love you at all.
Why are flogging this dead horse?

I can tell you what I did when I found out my ExH was cheating.
It's a deal-breaker for me.
It was over. And we were together 15 years with a DD together.

4 years - for the love of god - cut your losses and get this total loser out of your life.

My ex had a four month affair, I’ve since found out there were many more over our 20 year marriage. I desperately tried to forgive him. It will never work it will eat away at you. I promise you. I would lay awake at night and visualise him with her! It put me in a very bad place. Even 5 years on I’m still screwed up by it, it’s a hard road to go down, I had 3 young children to think about but I don’t ever regret not fighting harder, I lost all the fight I had in me!
The woman he had the affair with told me every tiny disgusting detail it totally messed me up still does. But I’m better than her. My children deserve better than him. I would urge you to think really really hard about what yr going to do... my advice would always be leave. You’v e got one shot at your life you need to live it and be happy x

Absolutely agree with everyone. Even if you can forgive him, you’ll never trust him because it will eat away at you. The trust is gone. He will never make you feel good if you can’t trust him.

You and your kids will do better without him. As others have said, what sort of a role model is he?

You do not want your children to grow up and model their relationships on your dysfunctional one.

I’ve recently found out that my partner had also cheated for the entire duration of our relationship. Even though our child is only a little, I do not want to teach him that his Mum will lay back and take any old crap. No way! So I got rid.

Get rid and don’t look back!

Honestly why would you want to forgive him? He has never been committed to your relationship has he?

@thegirlracer

I’ve recently found out that my partner had also cheated for the entire duration of our relationship. Even though our child is only a little, I do not want to teach him that his Mum will lay back and take any old crap. No way! So I got rid

Best thing I have read or heard in weeks. 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 huge amounts of respect to you for this. As I know this would have been difficult to do with a little one.

Thanks lifegoes!

It really hasn’t been easy. Despite all he has done I am still in love with him. But I told him from day one that I would not tolerate cheating or violence of any sort. And those were my boundaries. If you let your boundaries slide now, you’re leaving it open for them to repeat their behaviour.

It’s so very hard to walk away from someone who you love but if I was you I really would.

I’ve heard the saying “once a cheat always a cheat” and I know that saying may not be true in all cases, but I’m certainly not going to hang around to see if it’s true!

Hope you make the right decision for you OP

• Even though I want to, I think the fact my children love him and the extra income coming into the house are the only reasons I want to try.

We go on holiday next week and I just don't know what to do. I have to go through with the holiday, but after. I keep playing in my mind what I am going to do when I ask him to leave. Like I've already made my mind up.*

Sounds to me like you have. Extra money is great, and it's a shame he's thrown away a great relationship with your children, but they'll be okay.

You're destined to stay stuck in this loop with him if you take him back. He doesn't sound particularly sorry, even.