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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

‘D’H won’t let go of stuff from ten years ago

28 replies

Choosethisusername · 05/06/2019 23:50

Been with DH since I was 18 and in my first year of uni. I’m 28 now. We have a 14 week old DD and have been married for 2 years.

I lied to him about how many people
I had slept with at the beginning of the relationship. I said it was more to impress him. I should not have lied and should
Have come clean straight away. I hate myself for it but I can’t change it. 4 years later I let something slipped and then just ended up coming clean. Everything was fine and we carried on with our lives, getting married and having our daughter.

Last year he brought it up again to try and test me to see if I was telling the truth.

We’ve just had a huge tow about something unrelated and he’s brought it up again. He’s always hated the fact that I’ve done some sexual acts with other people that I’ve not done with him (stuff I discovered I don’t like or stuff I just went along with when I was 16 and didn’t like) and he hates that.

He’s also being depressive saying that I only stayed with him as he’s reliable and dependable which isn’t true and that we’ve never had any passion in the bedroom (which was an issue at the beginning of our relationship). We broke up a lot when we were at uni. He won’t let this stuff go. It’s come out of nowhere and I don’t know how to fix it

OP posts:
BattenburgIsland · 06/06/2019 00:02

It's not your responsibility to fix it. His insecurity is not caused by you or anything you have done or said or do or say. Please please do not let him shift the responsibility on to you. He is a fully grown man.
Just dont pander to this. If he brings it up calmly tell him that its irrelevant and inappropriate for him to discuss with you. Dont fall into trying to reassure him. Hes trying to make you feel guilty for something completely normal. Hes trying to blame his insecurity about himself on you so that he doesnt gave to do anything himself about it.
There is nothing abnormal about your past sex life and it's none of his business at all. You are a separate person and you weren't even together with him at the time.

I've read similar posts to this on here countless times because it's a very common issue with controlling insecure men. Hes trying to paint you as promiscuous... when the actual fact is that actually you've had so little experience that you dont seem aware of what a manipulative and controlling bellend hes being. It's not your issue to fix.

Original poster
Choosethisusername · 06/06/2019 05:33

Thanks!

He’s just making out is all fault. It wasn’t even remotely relevant to what we were arguing about. (Im on Mat leave and should have tidied the kitchen - that’s what we were arguing about)

Dreading him waking up as there’s going to be an atmosphere until he apologises and he can sulk for days. I’m not apologising this time

OP posts:
Mac47 · 06/06/2019 07:29

Ugh, I could not be going over that repeatedly. What are you expected to apologise for? Do not get sucked into justifying your actions or massaging his ego.

00100001 · 06/06/2019 07:31

Sounds like a real catch....

ChristmasFluff · 06/06/2019 07:34

Dear OP,

you've just described the cycle of emotional abuse (you can google it) - which is known to ramp up during pregnancy and after birth - because these pathetic people feel threatened by the attention you give to their child.

Try to find yourself some support from outside your marriage.

If you feel strong enough, and have a plan, when he next starts, tell him that if he really believes you are such a bad person, for his sake you should divorce, otherwise he needs to get over it or you will divorce him. But you need to mean it.

I don't think you realise how bad your situation is - adults don't get 'in trouble' for not tidying when they have a baby. Flowers

Peachesandcream14 · 06/06/2019 07:40

I agree with the above poster, this is the insidious drip drip of emotional abuse, my ex started being like this soon after we had had DD. It's soul destroying and it took my self esteem to rock bottom. You need to read him the riot act, because it isn't ok to be doing this to you when you have so much on your plate with a new baby.

ElspethFlashman · 06/06/2019 07:41

Yeah, nobody is going to be surprised this reared its ugly head again during pregnancy. Or that is continuing now, with a newborn.

Unfortunately it's textbook. If a man is prone to abuse, either emotional, financial, physical or all three, pregnancy often ia a trigger. It's because they've trapped you. You are less likely to just take your stuff and go to Mums. You have other responsibilities now. So they can have a go with more freedom and they can ramp it up far more than they would dare before.

I'm afraid that is what's happening here. The trying to trap you in a lie is abusive and the sulking for days is abusive. It leaves you spinning, trying to find a way to "fix" it. Like you are a prisoner begging for the key to the cell they've just put you in.

You need to really open your eyes here to what this is. This is not normal. Only he can fix it.

Windmillwhirl · 06/06/2019 07:55

This is very worrying. The whole bring jealous of what you did before is strange. What's his gripe exactly,vybstbyou won't try those things with you or that you experimented with others?

I don't see this marriage working out well for you. He is clearly abusive.

I don't subscribe to the idea that we are all textbook cases and he will ramp up his abuse at certain times and life events, but I imagine there were red flags prior to this.

I suggest you read up on emotional and psychological abuse. The best Thu g you can do now is educate yourself to make wise choices. Take care.

Windmillwhirl · 06/06/2019 08:24

thing*

Branleuse · 06/06/2019 09:01

what a headfuck. What does he want, a time machine? Good luck with that. Im not sure what exactly you even did particularly wrong in the first place. I wouldnt want to go over that after a week, let alone 10 years

SignedUpJust4This · 06/06/2019 09:10

Does he want you just to do these sexual things that you know you don't like and just lie there and put up with it for his sake? What a cock. Tell him to grow up. You had sex before him. Deal with it.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/06/2019 09:52

Stonewalling abuse
Misogynist
Raking over old crap
Trying to catch you out
Rowing
Depression
Making up shit about why you are with him

None of this is good OP.
He sounds like he's ramping up the abuse.
Why would have a go at you for not having the kitchen tidy?
If he wants it tidy he can fucking do it himself.

I also think this is probably the tip of the iceberg.

Xmas2020 · 06/06/2019 10:07

My lord you were arguing over tidying the kitchen because you are on maternity leave? Sorry OP is he normally such a dick?

What happened years ago is not relevant now, none of his concern and quite frankly him using it against you is pathetic. Stop corresponding with him, your not there to pacify him. If he wants his kitchen tidying tell him to crack on and clean it, and your past stays in the past, and if he ever brings it up again tell him the relationship is finished.

Singlenotsingle · 06/06/2019 10:13

Why are you even talking about your sexual history? How many partners you've had and what you did with them? Have you asked him about his past sexual exploits? No, I didn't think so. Tell him it's private. None of his business. My dp wouldn't dream of talking about that sort of thing! Shock

AntiHop · 06/06/2019 10:23

I'm sorry op but I agree with the above. This sounds like emotional abuse. You don't deserve to be treated like that. No one is perfect but the way he's treating you is not acceptable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 06/06/2019 15:52

Im on Mat leave and should have tidied the kitchen

Maybe remind him that you're looking after a 14-week old baby and maybe he could tidy the fucking kitchen?

He sounds either very insecure which is not your fault. Or just looking for a fight, which is a potentially bigger issue.

Original poster
Choosethisusername · 06/06/2019 19:09

Thanks all.

It’s made me feel better reading the replies. I think he’s getting worse. He’s playing on my insecurities

He’s still sulking now although he says he isn’t.

He’s doing a ton of overtime atm which is making him grumpy but I’ve done far longer hours in the past (and when pregnant) and just got on with it.

There’s still an atmosphere although I’m trying to act normal but I want him to apologise but he won’t.

I do love him and I don’t want to split but I’m also scared he will take DD away from me if we split

OP posts:
ViolentBrutishAndShort · 06/06/2019 19:23

No way can he take a DC from the mother. He might threaten it but he won't do it. If he threatens it, leave for that and that alone. He's a cock.

ElspethFlashman · 06/06/2019 19:31

How can he take her away? What possible grounds would a judge have for that?

Original poster
Choosethisusername · 06/06/2019 19:44

I’m not sure. His family are really wealthy and one is a lawyer (although not a family one) so I just worry that it’ll sway in his favour.

I can’t afford to leave but I am going to start saving now for when it goes wrong again

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 06/06/2019 19:59

Love, I'm not being funny but if that was the case there would be an epidemic of mothers losing custody and it would be all people were talking about. It simply doesn't happen that way.

The courts always favour the mother. You cannot buy a judge. The mother is usually the primary caregiver and it is in the child's best interests to remain with the primary caregiver.

Get an appointment with a family law solicitor and say you want to enquire about custody and financial options in the event of a separation.

Arm yourself with facts, not fear.

certificateofauthenticity · 06/06/2019 20:49

In my opinion, it is not that you had a life before him, but the fact that you lied about it. It has broken his trust. If you cannot be honest about seemingly small things, he will feel that you cannot be honest. It's not a jealousy issue, it's a trust issue. Don't shoot me down. Can you imagine if he was friends with another woman and you asked him who she was. He says she was a friend from school. He visits her and spends weekends with her, as she is just a friend. You are not jealous as they are just friends. Later you find out he was once in a serious relationship with her. Would your view change? It's not the previous relationship that's the problem. It's the lie. Even if the lie was to make you feel better, or even to avoid you worrying. Even if there is just a friendship now. That's my opinion. His reality has changed. He does not know what is real now. It's not the past. You've brought it into the present.

Original poster
Choosethisusername · 07/06/2019 05:11

@certificateofauthenticity - I do totally see your point but if it was such an issue he shouldn’t have married me or had a baby with me.

I can’t undo it. I really wish I could.

OP posts:
thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 07/06/2019 05:37

My ex was like this. We got together aged 23 but grew up on the same street so he knew absolutely everything about my past.

He used to throw stuff in my face from when I was a teenager, people I'd snogged, mistakes I'd made. He held me up against these impossible moral values. It was unbearable at times. And yes, it made me lie about things because I couldn't bear the sanctimony.

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 07/06/2019 05:55

Everyone 'lies' about stuff. Some little white lies and some black whoppers. A friend of mine told her new DH the whole truth and it totally wrecked their marriage but in your case he KNEW before he married you.
I think you are wise to have a plan. He is using this as a weapon now. Sure you lied but you were lyingover something with mitigation attached. It's not like you went on a spree with his card and then tried to make out it was stolen! If he doesn't have the humilty to see this and forgive and then have your back after that, you are flogging a dead horse and it's way past that stage so the having a plan is good.