My partner is being emotionally abused by her mum

[xmasbaba2014]

I've been in a relationship with a woman for around a year and a half. She has a child and lives at home with her parents and the child since her marriage broke down a few years ago. Her mother is really really abusive to her. She calls her names, puts her down, criticises her, dictates when she can and can't go out, and this is all in front of the child. We only get to see each other two nights a week because she refuses to let her call in to me more than that. She uses the child and says she won't look after her, even though she ways has the child in bed asleep before she leaves. The mother won't let her bring the child anywhere on her own, even in to see me and my kids who are the same age as hers.
I'm getting really frustrated that the relationship is kind of stuck in a rut because we get so little time together but I also really want to help her. She came out of a really abusive marriage but she's gone into a similar relationship with her mum. I'm meeting her tomorrow, I actually told her today I want to end the relationship because it just doesn't feel like it can have any sort of future but I'm worried about her as well. Emotionally she's really fragile. Her mum is just twisted and evil and it's rubbing off on the child. The child has no respect for my dp, she tells her constantly that she hates her, that shes a fucking idiot, tells her to fuck off ..the child is only 4! Dps mum totally controls everything, she even has the child sleeping in a cot in her room. The whole situation is bizarre. I suppose I'm asking, am I crazy staying in this relationship? I do love her and we get on great. Also how on earth can I help her??

You can't unless she moves in with you. Which I am not saying is a good idea.

Does she realise her mum is emotionally abusive?

She needs to somehow get away from that toxic environment.

If you genuinely want to help her for her sake and not yours I would help her and her child move into a women's refuge and keep in contact with her offering your support.

I'm not sure if she realises it's abusive, o think she got so used to that kind of treatment in her marriage that it's just normal to her now. I've told her straight out that I think it is bit I don't necessarily think she thinks so.

In that case it's a lost cause. Can you maintain a friendship and support her without wanting anything in return, while continuing to tell her you think her mum is abusive? Eventually one day she may see it and need help to leave.

@Mycatatetherat that's exactly what I've been thinking today. Maybe I need to step back from the relationship and just support her as a friend. We were friends first anyway before the relationship. We're arguing so much the last couple of weeks about this that I think it's just putting extra pressure on her that she doesn't need

I think to end the relationship and be her friend is both sensible and a really really kind and decent thing to do

She clearly needs help . It whether you are strong enough to provide support and get her speaking to some external parties such as WA and then possible SS

Don't you think you have it the wrong way round? Surely she went from an abusive background into an abusive relationship and then back again.

As a human, you should encourage her to find a way to leave with her dc and help her see this treatment isn't normal.

She needs to have her eyes opened to the fact that her mother's behaviour is abusive.

It's not normal to make the child sleep in a cot in the grandmother's room. That sounds like she's trying to makes the child 'hers'

Have a look at the freedom program. There are videos on there to watch about typical abusive relationships. She might watch them and hopefully will identify the traits of her mother. From there she can meet up with their support group. Speaking about it makes it real. She probably doesn't realise that this horrendous treatment isn't normal

@category12 you're right, I never looked at it that way. It's quite likely her childhood was abusive which is why she ended up in the marriage. I just don't know how to help her see it's not normal. I'm sure deep down she must know but it's like she's institutionalised or something and afraid to leave.

Op start with freedom programme , or steer clear her firmly towards it