husband is seeing someone else

[Rainandspirit]

Last Friday my world was turned upside down when I found out my husband was seeing someone else. We have not been in a great place the last week but never in my wildest dream who I have taken him to do something like this. Devastated hurt upset every emotion going I have it. I don’t know what to do. When I asked him about it 1st he said nothing was going on till I read him the messages that they where sending to one another then he said it was just sex bla bla bla.
Today as I dropped my dd in to start her junior cert I had to go to the school for milk and I ended up having a panic attach because I though I might see the other woman(lives in the next parish) I have no one to talk to about it I am physically sick

I'm so sorry you're going through this Rain. I've had a similar experience today. My OH has being doing this kind of thing for years but hidden from me. I've always been hesitant about ending things because of suspicions until I found Mumsnet. Yesterday I put a usb voice recorder in his study and today discovered he has a relationship with a younger woman via Skype. I felt like my heart was being ripped out when I heard him telling her she's his special girl and how much he loves her. They haven't met in real life (different ends of the country) but it's still an affair. I'm telling you this because I'm now 60 and thanks to Mumsnet this time I'm getting my ducks lined up. Everyone says don't do the 'pick me' dance. I've never done that but I've been so passive I've allowed enough time to pass that it's too late to do anything. Please don't be me. There's someone out there who will adore you, and even if there isn't you can adore yourself xx

Lots of love to both of you.
You are in for some hard yards now, I'm
Not going to lie-but you can and will get through this. You both deserve better.

Been There OP. 26 years of my life and loyalty thrown back in my face. It was just sex, it didn’t mean anything, it was an accident, it was your Fault for not doing or being x,y,z. I heard every excuse under the sun OP. There is never an excuse! For every reason they give, THAT is a reason to work on your marriage. I could not forgive. I tried but within a year I realised all trust had gone, things would never be the same again. It killed any love I felt for him. He instantly became a stranger to me. You will go through every emotion in the book. It’s the worst betrayal there is. He is minimising it which makes it worse. There is no remorse or care about your feelings. I would suggest you get counselling on your own, not joint. It’s good to have an independent person to help you sort out your feelings. I did and it was the best thing I ever did. It will help you stay strong and not buy into any of his victim blaming! I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s very painful, but you will come out of the other side, with or without your DH, a much stronger person. It hurts like hell and you will never be the same but you will adapt to the new you, you will live with your eyes open and never again suffer fools.

Just wanted to give you a handhold OP. I have been where you are now. Like a PP says, it killed my love for him completely, and our marriage staggered on for a few more years before I found the strength to end it. Infidelity is hard to come back from, impossible in my experience. Like Ilikemethewayiam (sorry, not sure how to bold usernames) mine was a long marriage, 27 years. I am in a much better place. Please look after yourself, put you and the DC first, you can get through this. Thinking of you.

I can totally relate to everything you have said I'm just about to start a trial separation with my h and everything you have said is true I couldn't help having a terrible time with the menopause but I'm to blame and i made him start seeing another woman my love my life of 34 years who I never ever thought would do this lie and cheat to me has I also have seen a therapist and it was the best thing I have done he didn't like it but boy it's helped me I advise anyone to see a therapist I know it's hard but try to stay strong

My heart is breaking into a million pieces . I have never felt pain like it. I and going to a counsellor on Friday by myself . I know I have to work through this . Nothing can happen in terms of either of us leaving till after the junior cert. if we do spilt it will just devastated the kids who adore him and he is a great father and I would never use the kids against him no mater what . It may well be that we don’t tell them the thrust as to why we are spilling up. Friday for me just feeling to long away

I totally agree I've lost all trust in him and this trial separation will eventually lead to a divorce or a legal separation from someone I loved to someone that is a complete stranger to me now who I will never trust again sending big hugs to all of you

Is he a great father though?
In what real, tangible, practical way is he GREAT.
Doing some bits and pieces around the home and giving them some hugs is dog basic, not great. Too many women try to find the good in a cheater by saying what a great dad he is. Cheaters are often too selfish to be even adequate.

Find an excellent solicitor. This man is no longer your friend, he's not on your side - he's on another team now. Dont tell him anything you wouldn't tell an enemy. Be cautious, this is a crucial time in the rest of your life and hes waaaaay ahead of you. Sign nothing without your own solicitor. Full financial disclosure.

I think it's like wobbling on the abyss. Do nothing and it kind of goes away except it doesn't really. I wish I'd found Mumsnet even five years ago. We deserve so much more. I've spent years feeling like a let down and not quite good enough. Well now I think we're fucking amazing - we can do anything we want or need to, and nurture our children so they know it will be ok. Obv I've had wine and might wimp out tomorrow but now I'm strong and hope I still will be in the morning. Still heartbroken though.

I am in a similar place of heartbreak and unbelievable pain. I have never experienced anything like this. I found out the monday before last that my husband has been having an affair with a work colleague for the past two months. We have 3 small children, 3, 5&6 year old. Its like he's just switched off from me, and them to a certain extend. I knew we were going through a bad patch, needing to reconnect. Never ever ever did i ever imagine he would do this to me, so many lies and complete betrayal. we've been together for 10 years and I thought we were solid. I know marriages have their ups and downs.

I literally feel like I'm a bouncy ball that's been thrown into a glass box, my emotions are all over the place, one minute I am looking at how I will be able to do this as a single mum, the next I'm wanting to work on it and forgive him.

The one piece of advice that i read online is what would you tell your daughter if this happened to her, of course I would say he doesn't deserve you and to end it, but its not that easy.

Although saying all this, my H has been sleeping at his friends house since saying he needs space.
I need some strength.

justoverysad - it must be hard to get to this point - wish you the best of everything.

Op - it’s so very hard and you’ve got quite a journey to take.either way there’s so much pain but ending the contract your h has broken will slowly heal you.

I grew up as an only child with a father who had multiple affairs.

My mum got ever more bitter and he got ever more remote, long slow decline and my dm suffered as she would not consider divorce. It finally happened when I was 25 and df got a woman pregnant.

Dm had breakdown - I was left being an adult to them both.

Op you sound a caring mother and don’t want your dc to suffer. But I’d say that kids pick up on everything and better a happy mother than one who sacrifices her morals having had her heart broken.

V bad explanation but hope you know what I mean.

Justsoverysad I was stuck in abusive marriage. So much went on it’s a blur but I have evidence re hotel/phone bills.

It’s crazy making when you stay if you feel there’s no other option.

I only managed to get out due to disaster dh had. Although it was an unfair thing to happen to him, it was my way out and now I’m on the other side I’m so very angry.

Best of luck to you. My dm was divorced at 57 (by my serial adulterer father who got someone pregnant) she could not cope at the time, she’s 80 now and in a relationship of 15 years. A really mutually respectful relationship. I’m pleased for her.

Keep strong .

Trust me I will not stay in a loveless marriage for the sake of my kids.and I have told him that as well. I just will not turn their world upside down till dd has finished the junior cert and I will know myself by then .
Thanks for the reply’s

Rainandspirit I am 6 months in , also a long marriage , nearly 30 years.
I wish I could leave, but it is a bit complicated at the moment.
I feel so bad that you are going through this. I remember the awful feelings and here on MN , they said it would definitely get a bit calmer.And it has.
I guess you are in Ireland as you mention the JC . So not only are you suffering , you have to keep it together for DD.
Feel free to PM me if you want.
And get all the support you can .

@Rainandspirit, how did your counseling session go? Has your husband cut contact with this OW?

Counseling was only an assessment today. ! Didn’t say any more then what I have said already. No sure it’s for me but going to give it a go. I have gone away to speak to a close friend that will not judge.

As for the ow he has no contact on his phone now but she lives in the next parish from us so not far away!!!!!.
I have started to get panic attacks at the though of running into her.
We have talked a lot this week and I would hope that he has told me everything.

'It was just sex'! As if that makes it ok. LTB.

@Rainandspirit I know the agency you are referring to with the assessment. You haven't begun the counselling part yet so please give it time The first session or two of counselling is always difficult. I went through what you are going through many years ago. Counselling is invaluable to be honest. I wouldn't be where I am today without it. It's hard to see yourself anywhere else at the moment. Your future is now so uncertain to you, I understand. Try not to overthink it. I am not trying to sound patronising saying that but it can be very easy to be 15 steps ahead of yourself. I had lots of "advise" from friends about my situation. In the end I stuck to my guns about what I wanted to do and I was glad of that. the counselling will help you to get your thoughts clear whatever happens. You will get through this x

true friends are totally priceless!! i spend the weekend with the 2 people that were there when i 1st meat my husband. After getting over the shock that he was with another woman( they still cant believe it)
We talked about everything. from the state of my marriage over the last year to what he done. Talked about my feelings and what my options were. Never once did they tell me what to do just asked questions.
What do i do from here?? I take each day as it comes. As i dont have the answers. One thing that has come from it all is that my husband and i talk and i mean really talk. It has opened the door that was shut. This time last weekend i was a total mess not sleeping, eating just about holding it together for the kids. Not being able to look at him. Today i am relaxed. I have slept well the last 2 nights and my world has nor crashed down around me every morning when i wake up. I have told my husband at the end of every day just how i am feeling the good the bad and the ugly.
I dont feel resentment for the OW she doesnt even coming into it. I myself feel rejected. And i know that i have to deal with that. I will give counselling a few weeks as what i dont want to happen is move forward and use it in 6/12 months down the line.
Thank you all for your replys it has been helpfull.

So just an update as to where I am. Some thing like 3 months after finding out husband has had an affair. Have been trying to work it out. I had done counseling on my own which to sum degree has helped. But there has always been this thing at the back of my mind that all is not right. 3 weeks ago I asked him about his Viber use ( he never used it only to contact 1 of our friends a few times a year) he seems to be on it all the time. He said he was not on it and deleted it. We were away for a family break for the weekend with the kids before back to school/college and yesterday I found out he had the app KIK . I asked him about it and he said he had to to contact people that owned him money. That did not wash with me. I told him if he had something to tell me the. Just tell me and he said no. For home today and I asked him for his phone. Told him I was hooking it up to the computer and that I could get back and deleted messages over the last year and again asked if there was anything to tell. He said no he had nothing to hide . I went through his phone and found messages from July last year asking to meet with a woman who he had meet before and had been messaging on a second phone. I asked him about it and he still denied it and got up got into his van and left. I messaged him a hour later to see if he was ok and that he had to think of our kids . All I got back was he didn’t want to go over what he had done and wanted to move passed it !!’
I am at a loss as what to do. I know I will NEVER trust him again and that my marriage is over but what about our kids ??
Eldest dad heads off abroad on Tuesday for her second year at uni amd youngest is only 9.
I had to call my brother in law tonight after husband left as I though husband may do something stupid and when bil rang back I got the impression that he wanted us to make up and stay together till youngest has gone to college:

I have told him that there is NO way I will have husband back just for the kids. He had that opportunity when I 1st found out to tell all amd have a clean sleet and now he has blow it.

Sorry for a long long rant I am just so lost and emotional drained I don’t know what to do.

Oh honey bee that is rotten. I feel for you really I do . I would make out you've come into a load of cash from a relatives death and then say because of this he isnt getting a penny. That will teach the bugger

Your dc will adapt. You can't live like this.

For three months you've been trying to work through things and done all you can to make it work, but he has just been trying to cover up other things he's done and hoping you won't find out who he really is! Who is he? What else might you find in another 3 months down the line?

No you need to make it totally clear that this is done now. He had his chance. You can be and will be happy without him. Arrange fair access for the DC and move on with your life, the sooner the better for everyone. It will feel hard now but you have been strong these past 3 months and you can build a life without him