Should I try and date older men?

[LifeGoesOn01]

Hello,

Long time poster but NC.

So yet another relationship has broken down for the same reason as my previous one. Immaturity.

Basically I'm in my mid/late twenties, own my own home (no help given) and car. Have a very professional job and good salary. Not lived at home since i left for uni at 18. 100% self sufficient and independent.

My issue in the dating world seems to be that all men of a similar age are nowhere near where I'm at in life. They all still live at home or houseshares and haven't got established careers or a salary that either matches or exceeds mine.

I've come to realise that this in itself causes a whole host of issues. From not being able to afford to go places i want to go and on my type of holidays so i end up paying more for everything. Down to the 'wifework' falling to me when living together and i have to sort everything or teach them how to be a grown up. To me not being able to think of settling down properly as they still haven't got to where they want to be career wise. It just doesn't conpliment me practically and becomes a hindrance as i don't want to mummy a grown man.

I'm just tired of it. All my girlfriend's that have settled, have done so because:
A) they saved for house deposit together and both lived at home until then so figure out running a house together.

Or

B) Are on low income and not bothered about home ownership/holidays etc. Therefore much easier to find men omln a similar income or higher, so they don't lose out or face the same issues.

Ive thought about it before but maybe it's that my age demographic just are at a different point in their life to what i am. So therefore if i go for 10 years older they would most likely be already established like myself?

The only catch is older men tend to have kids already/ex wives and i don't want to go down that road if i can help it. And i worry about having things in common with an older man?

It makes me feel like ive disadvantaged myself romantically for being established so early. Please can some wise women give me some advice as i feel a bit down about it. Sigh.

Older may be a better bet, and it is possible to find older but not divorced, with kids etc.

The other options are continuing to try to meet someone around your own age who is settled (there are some) or meeting someone around your own age who had career/earning etc potential. (And not accepting more than your fair share or household work).

Skilled tradespeople, who might start their own business, or maybe be into an industry related profession eg electricians sometimes move into M&E Engineering, I know two joiners who've moved into Quantity Surveying .. may be a better bet around your age than graduates.

*has

• maybe move

My husband is 9 years older. He was divorced with no children and is much more mature than I am but we really enjoy each other's company, senses of humour etc. I've always preferred older men for the same reason as you. Guys my age were too immature.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm too immature for my husband but he finds it endearing 😂

It may be worth thinking about the long game/their potential - as long as they are decent, pull their weight, a good partner etc.

I guess this is a sign of the times.
I'm 51 now, but when I was mid/late 20s we were all either married or living in our own homes, if not owning them then renting alone. I wonder if it's related to the area you live (?very high house prices), or the people you're meeting perhaps?

I'd have thought most professionals your age would be financially independent, but maybe I'm out of touch.

Er— dont think that older men necessarily don’t somewhat expect the ‘wife work’ plenty of them do, even ones who have had to be self sufficient, this comes down to the type of bloke, not age!! I just think you have been unlucky so far. Plenty of guys these days in early 30s though haven’t married or had kids, and will usually be a bit more settled career wise and have own place, I wouldn’t be out of house sharers, lots do it for practical reasons and some prefer having company around on tap. What I would avoid in your case is young grads.

That should say ‘put off housesharers’

I can understand your logic and in theory it all makes sense, however personally I would be very cautious of an age gap relationship if I were you.

Most men I know in their mid/late thirties are either married/in serious long term relationships, divorced or just out of long term relationships often with children and some baggage in tow or have had a succession of short/medium term relationships with varying degrees of seriousness and often these men are lacking the maturity that you would be looking for. I think the third type of man might be the one that you might encounter most in your scenario but they would also be least suited to as they don't even have the excuse of age to explain their immaturity.

At your age, women are out earning men.
I never thought it would bring such problems, but maybe it's a consequence of that.
DH and I moved in together at 23 but we were house sharing and on low income before that, so we were in the same boat.

My husband is 11 years older than me, and I did tend to date older men as well before meeting my husband - but, having said that, I also know of many men in older age groups who are also very immature, so it's not always about age.

A lot of older men can be just as immature and expect a woman to play mummy and run the house. If they have kids, they can also be looking for a ready made home to move into, with a woman to look after the kids for them.

I think it’s great that you know what you want, and what you will and won’t comprimise on, and please don’t wish away your amazing success in place of a man! Why not just date casually until someone more “fitting” comes along?

I can certainly see where you are coming from, you have obviously worked hard to get to where you are and want to enjoy it with someone however I wouldn't just be looking at age.
When I was dating I always paid attention to work ethic. I really feel that worth ethic is more important than age.
I am with my fiance now who was made redundant through no fault of his own, he got a new job within 3 weeks and in those 3 weeks did 4 day courses with the job centre.
He does not earn as much as me but takes any overtime he can get and when I am doing my long hours he will make sure that all the housey stuff is done so I can just fall into bed on those days

I often think - as a child, my fiance is nowhere near who I dreamed I would be with but he is absolutely perfect for me now

So, as a previous poster has mentioned I would really pay attention to the character and work ethic of anyone you are dating - they may be a plumbers apprentice now but in a few years time could be running their own successful business - look at Charlie Mullins, the man who owns Pimlico Plumbers!
Hope that helps - try not to be disheartened - I know the dating game can be tough

I really wouldn’t rule out men in houseshares. Often they’re the financially savvy one. When I was single i much preferred to live in an en-suite houseshare for £450 per month than rent my own flat for £800 when the houseshare felt like living alone anyway (I only used the kitchen and the rest of the time was spent in my huge room).

I don’t think age is really the issue here, I met a 24 year old who had his head screwed on, wanted marriage and kids within the next few years and was finishing up training to become a doctor. I’ve also met men in their thirties who are still coasting along chilling and focusing on having fun and would run a mile from any commitment. Just be clear about your goals from the start. Be clear you want to settle down and what you want that to look like pretty early on. I told my OH on the second date I was ready for kids and wanted to try within the next three years so that he could decide whether his plans aligned or not and we wouldn’t waste time dating if we had incompatible end goals. Loads of men want commitment and are smashing it in their careers at all ages. You just need to select for them and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t meet your modest requirements.

My issue in the dating world seems to be that all men of a similar age are nowhere near where I'm at in life. They all still live at home or houseshares and haven't got established careers or a salary that either matches or exceeds mine.

I've come to realise that this in itself causes a whole host of issues.

I remember a friend of mine venting on a very different forum about why she was fed up with dating guys her own age who had no real motivation to explain why she was specifically looking for older men who were more established and had a bit more drive.

So, you are certainly not alone in how you feel. However, I would say perhaps rather than just saying "older" men say men who have more drive and ambition - and it certainly doesn't hurt if they're older and a bit further along in their careers.

This was my friend venting on another site (she's American) you are very definitely not alone:-

Men on dating sites just have nothing to offer other than good looks. "Hey baby, wanna come back to my apartment that I share with 3 other guys my age? I can take you to red lobster in my 10 year old car that's only been cleaned twice. I'm also completely complacent only ever making $20/hr. Sup girl?” Pass. Hard, hard pass.

Then in reply to someone else:-

I only date guys who are 28+. If you're 28+ and are happy with $20/hr idk what to tell you. It doesn't make me a gold digger for not wanting to support someone in every relationship with people around my age. To be okay just taking a call center job where at most you'll make $28/hr doesn't sit well with me. It doesn't make me a gold digger because I don't want to be with someone who has 0 aspirations, and I don't need the gender bashing for that opinion, thanks.

My dp is 16 years older than me and I must admit it is refreshing to be with someone who has their shit together. I have had issues with deadbeat partners who didn't want to commit in the same ways I do. Happy to plod along renting houses and living 'pay as you go' while I aspired to own things and lay down some proper foundations. My current partner has done all of this already and we are now in the process of buying together. Not only this but he has the money and foresight to plan things like holidays and days out and get me little treats which makes for some really lovely times together.

Money and success isn't everything but it's about finding someone who wants the same things and has the same aspirations as you. Many people your age will be like that just like some older men won't have it all together. But I guess older men have had longer to get it right lol

nickymanchester I mean, I get her overall point but... $20-28 per hour? Surely that’s a pretty good salary!? It’s the equivalent of £45k. If that’s not enough for her then wtf is she looking for 😂

Surely there has to be some uni graduates with professional careers around your age? Accountants, Finance, Analysts, Banking, Tech, Law

Surely there has to be some uni graduates with professional careers around your age? Accountants, Finance, Analysts, Banking, Tech, Law

I would agree, there must be however, I’d guess they’d be interested in someone a bit younger

Emerald

I certainly take your point - $20ph would be £32,700 a year.

However, a couple of points. She does live in a very high cost of living area in the States which does also have quite a high minimum wage. The minimum wage in her area is currently $15ph and goes up to $15.59ph in July (£11.81 going up to £12.28) so $20 is really only a couple of pounds an hour over minimum wage.

The sorts of rents that are charged there are just silly. People talk about there being "social cleansing" in London where so many people have been priced out of living in areas in London - well that's nothing on what's happened where she lives.

Then finally medical care, if you ever have anything wrong with you it gets stupidly expensive - even with insurance. I remember her telling me one time that one of the benefits of getting her present job was that it was the first time in her adult life that she no longer had to ration use of her asthma inhaler because it was so expensive.

That shocked me when she told me about having to carefully ration how often she used her inhaler.

Also, when it comes to salaries, yes, I agree with you £45k is a great salary. However, there are also many people on much more than that and she is definitely very motivated to do well.

Just as an aside it was really interesting to read the comments on a recent AIBU thread:-

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3599219-average-wage-29-000

Where half the posters couldn't believe that the average wage in the UK was as high as £29k and the other half couldn't believe that there were so many people working for less than £29k.

Be very wary. There's plenty of 40 something men (eg my stbexh) who are quite keen on a late 20's woman and whilst they can impress you with their pay packets, they come with baggage, probably aren't interested in kids (even if they don't let on at first) and are mostly looking for fun. The older you are the more set in your ways you become and remember when you 50 they would be retired - it's quite an age gap. There's plenty of good ones out there though, I know incredibly well adjusted men in their 20's alas I'm too old, it's my daughter they like!

I think you should consider the individual rather than their age.

It’s a very personal decision, although I agree that I was in similar circumstances not long after graduating and I was the same - I’m now 27 and since I had my shit together young, men in their 20s just seemed so awful to me. My husband is considerably older; but as he did a (slow) PhD (straight after his Masters and Undergrad), and didn’t start work until he was 30 his adult life was a little bit “behind” IYSWIM. He therefore had no baggage - wife, kids etc and fortunately between us we were in a position to buy when I was 21 (he hadn’t yet bought at this stage so both first time). If things had been different though, I think it would have been too much in my 20s - I definitely would not have wanted to become a stepmother!

So what I’m saying is it depends on the man and what you’re prepared to deal with. For what it’s worth I’m now 24 weeks’ pregnant with our first child and we couldn’t be happier (sorry, too smug I know!!)

Thanks so much for your replies.

I've tried dating just based on character and my last boyfriend had a fab job and prospects so i thought as everything else was right then it was all good. But when it came to moving in together he dragged his heels as he lived with his parents, didn't have to pay board and had everything done for him. I could see where that was heading and after lengthy discussions we ended it. He said he would be ready to move out in 2-3 years!!

But it seems to be mostly the same in ky age group. I want someone that knows how to run a house and not have to teach them!

The men at my work are older and married or gay unfortunately. So no chance in meeting anyone that way.