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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I get on with my life after an absuive ex

5 replies

handheldneeded87 · 05/06/2019 10:29

I left my abusive partner in March and now live in a refuge 10 mins away. I'm away from family and friends who live 40 mins away and have no one around me. Whilst living here I just can't seem to get over the abuse that happened and move on from it. I am having counselling, doing the freedom program and trying to see friends at the weekend. I'm just not sure I get over him and stop feeling like I am trapped in this limbo until I move and have a fresh start. I miss him so much, even though I know I am better off without him in my life and that he will always be abusive. I hate feeling like this and it's really effecting my mental health and my work.

OP posts:
MzHz · 05/06/2019 11:07

Sweetheart, it’s ok. It will be ok because you are now safe!

Bloody huge well done for getting yourself to a safe place and out of what you know will never be a good relationship and one potentially that could end your life.

Now.. just as your abuse started slowly, so will your recovery

To begin with your brain needs safe space to start to process what you’ve been through- this is the stage you’re at or about to enter.

How long that takes is hard to say, but it will go at the speed you can sustain, and each day will see you getting stronger overall

Sure you’ll have good days and bad, but this is the BEGINNING of your journey. This I know might be a jolt for you when it’s taken so much effort and time to get yourself out, but this is the journey back to you.

We are here for you every step of the way, you’ll learn a lot about yourself, how bloody strong you are, and how much you like about yourself.

You’ll also have some things you won’t like, that you will struggle to forgive yourself for (I know I do) but beating yourself up isn’t going to help you, and helping yourself heal is the only thing you should focus on.

Your friends and family may come through for you, they may let you down, be prepared for surprises and shocks, but don’t let anyone or anything stand in your way of getting stronger and happier

It takes time. A lot of time, but it’s worth it. Don’t ever lose faith.

Mumsnet is brilliant- use us as and when you need it, there is always someone here to hear you.

(((Huge hug)))

MzHz · 05/06/2019 11:08

And OMG you will absolutely get over him!

You will wonder what on earth you ever saw in someone so insignificant that they had to hurt you to feel good about themselves

handheldneeded87 · 05/06/2019 11:40

@MzHz thank you so much for such a lovely reply. I think it has hit me this week after my 7 year old daughter has been having tantrums and outbursts all of a sudden, I've been told this is a good thing as she is feeling safe. She screamed at me on Monday she wanted to kill herself. I took the day off work and we had some time one on one and she told me she remembers hiding in her bedroom when she saw my ex hit my son. I took her to the dr's and I've organised counselling at school and also some extra support with the childrens worker at the refuge. I feel so much guilt I have put her in this situation and I am trying to process that and let go of it all. I have counselling tomorrow and desperately need it.

I really hate how he's caused so much pain to all three of us.

OP posts:
MzHz · 05/06/2019 15:20

Yes, but you’re on it now! You’re turning things around

My ds was a lot younger than your dd when his dad left, we had our moments of him being upset or cross, but mostly and shortly afterwards he bloomed. It was his uplift that kept me going and that convinced me I was doing the right thing.

You’ve saved your dc love, never forget this. They have help they need because you fought for them.

Keep on keeping on!

Do you do the freedom programme in person? At groups? I’d recommend that over online as it helps you feel less alone in all this.

Can you get therapy for yourself too?

You will be ok in the end. It’s just that this isn’t The end just yet, your happy ending is still being written.

MzHz · 05/06/2019 15:22

7 year olds can be tricky without all of the other stuff going on. I think there is a hormone burst around then, you did exactly the right thing and you showed her you loved her. You’re a bloody brilliant mother, you know this right?

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