Free childcare issues

[ImnotlikearegularMomImacoolMom]

I know the title will get me flamed, I didn't want the free childcare and am now trying to stop it. This is where I want help please.

I have an 18m DS and 3m DD. When DS was born, my MIL pushed to have him on the day she has off (works 4 days a week) so DH and I agreed this would be fine as she really wanted to do it. I arranged with work to go back on this day and one evening a week (DH has him on the evening) so I could pay the mortgage. DH pays for everything else, and whatever is left goes to my savings account. It works for us. We didn't pay them as DH insisted they would be offended but we make them dinner, bring them wine etc. Try to do nice things for them.

MIL did this one day a week for the 3 months between me going back to work and going back on mat leave. She still asks to have him this day a week while I'm on leave and I let her because she wants to see him. There are numerous problems.

DS leaks out of his nappy while there, was getting a nappy rash frequently, always comes back covered in food and exhausted. MIL has mobility issues which should be resolved soon with some therapy but she struggles to out him in the travel cot so lets him have the entire nap on her chest. Suffice to say he only gets an hour or so at her house, compared to the three hours he has at home. I've asked her to talk to us if she is having problems as we want him in the cot, she says yes yes and nothing changes.

She has also been flaky, cancelling with no notice or not telling us what dates she'll be on holiday. I cannot book A/L at short notice so this would cost me my job. She also spouts some nonsense, she told DH he was spoiling DS for picking him up when he was crying as a newborn, she tells me DS is playing me when he's upset and that he hasn't cried all day till he saw me.

My FIL is no better. Constantly trying to wind me up, telling me to shut up and calling me Bad Mummy, all a joke apparently. He's also a racist and homophobe which I do not want my children thinking is normal. DH said he'd have a word and it's gotten worse from him.

Last week I had enough. We decided to send DS to a nursery for a day a week to give me time with DD and let him socialise. The nursery is fantastic and he loved his first settling in session. MIL had him before his second session and got him dirty knowing I was coming to get him and he hardly napped so was exhausted. He screamed the entire session and had a horrible time.

In short, I appreciate they want to help but our opinions differ greatly and I don't want to use their childcare. I want to up our days at nursery and not leave DS or DD with them during the day until naps are done at least. I don't know if I'm being overly precious and even if I am, I don't know how to deal with it all.

Not at all, you don't want to damage your relationship with them. Could you say you've decided to use a nursery while your in work as you think it's good for him to start socialising with other kids and maybe explain that if she's ill or busy you would end up stuck if you had no one else to look after him, whereas at nursery this wouldn't happen. They could babysit one night a week instead, for you and oh to go out and have time together as a couple?

Your children are your most precious resource.

What does your DH think of his parents behaviours towards you people as a family?.

His mother wanted your son for the wrong reasons; i.e. because she felt and feels absolutely entitled to have him one day a week. This was about her and getting her own needs met. This arrangement was therefore never going to work out because she was acting on her own feelings of entitlement. She is also not fit enough physically and did not want to "help". I would never use either of them as babysitters either, use an agency like Sitters instead. Your FIL disrespects you as your child's mother verbally and your children will pick up on all this over time.

Neither of them should be around you in any case, let alone your child because they are neglectful as grandparents. I would think also they were not good parents to your now H when he was growing up, they are not decent examples of grandparents to be around now.

You were railroaded by his mother into at all accepting this offer of childcare but you really do need to stop giving in to her demands. Would continue to use nursery for childcare.

Where are your boundaries at with regards to his parents, you would not have at all tolerated this from a friend so his parents should be no different. Your H for his own reasons may want to continue to see them but that does not follow that you or your child have to do so.

@Everythingsbeentaken thanks for the idea of what to say, it's a good one that I may well use. I do feel the truth will come boiling out of me one day. DD is far too young to stay for longer than an hour though.

@AttilaTheMeerkat I do respect your opinion, I've seen your posts before. But I feel that they're not that bad, my own parents are properly shit. I'm NC with the narcissist and keep DM at arms length.
DH's parents do seem to care about him and the children, and MIL even seems to want to get along with me. He's their oldest and they give him less support than the others, once admitting that they feel he's not as in need of it.

MIL I feel is just not capable of doing a good job, FIL is actively trying to piss me off and it's working. Without being conceited, I'm smarter than them both and it's quite obvious. FIL is quite obviously self conscious about his intelligence and I probably challenge that. I can also be uptight and difficult but that doesn't excuse name calling in front of DC.
I would hurt DH badly to refuse to see his family and I feel emotionally strong enough to stand up to them. Maybe I should stand up to FIL and be as rude assertive as I like. And certainly limit unsupervised care of my DC. Any change will upset them I feel and I'd like to limit that, but I've already told DH that I'm not facilitating this any more.

Just do it and put your child in nursery. Tell your husband to explain that you want your child to socialize with other children.

@Beautiful3 He's going to nursery, starting soon. They have no availability for her day though and even when they do, she'll want him to go to her on that day

I want doesn't get! Just because she wants to have him doesn't mean she can! Just say he is enjoying it so much, it's benefiting him.

What she wants isn’t really relevant here OP. Why do you put more stock in your MIL’s desires than in your own decision making around what’s best for your child? Do you feel unable to say ‘no, that doesn’t work for us’?

I don't really, no. I don't even know what my DH thinks of it because we really haven't had chance to chat since I blew up over it.

There's definitely an undercurrent of criticism from them both, they act like I'm keeping DS from them or hogging him and my FIL has always deliberately stopped him coming to me since he could crawl. Even now when DS tries to get off their laps they both hold onto him and won't let him go, and if DS reaches for me or comes near, FIL grabs him and walks away.

I feel like I'm seen as being unreasonably clingy with DS and that I don't let them have enough time as it is. And as I'm NC with one of my parents and LC with the other, I do wonder if they're being normal and nice and just teasing, and that I'm actually the problem.

coolMom

re your comment:-
"I would hurt DH badly to refuse to see his family and I feel emotionally strong enough to stand up to them"

This may be the case now but you previously did give into her demands re wanting to have your child for the day. Why did her needs and wants trump yours?. You were not able to say no this does not work for us. She wanted to look after your child knowing full well too she is not physically capable. And as for her H....

Your parents are indeed toxic but it does not mean to say that his parents are infact much better; they are of a different stripe to yours but neglectful they are all the same. Your son's needs were neglected by her and her husband. Your children need emotionally healthy, good and positive role models in their lives; not toxic grandparents who disrespect their mother at any and all opportunity. Again, would you tolerate this from a friend, no you would not. They are no different.

And in answer to your question posed in your last posting no its not you, its them. They are the ones with the problem. Theirs is not merely teasing behaviour either and there is a fine line between teasing and bullying. Your FIL means every word of what he says.

Re your parents also I would consider further lowering all contact levels with your dad because women like your mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them.

I think originally it was that she wanted to help by having him one day a week and I didn't really know how bad her mobility was at the time. I certainly didn't expect her to be so incompetant after several children. Despite what she says about spoiling DS, she literally lets him sleep on her and cuddles him all the time so I just put those comments down to jealousy/wishing she was the one comforting.

Since finding our great nursery, I realise that I don't want to consider their feelings in how I want my child to be cared for, and I realise that the arrangement with PIL is untenable. My FIL has gotten much worse recently. I don't know if DH did say something or if he's decided he doesn't like me suddenly.

I definitely need to bring it up to DH again. I won't refuse to go because part of me thinks that's what he wants, but one name and I'll call him out and leave. The next time we see them is in public so it's a good place to assert some rules.