What do you think of this behaviour?

[Yolo89]

So DH is suffering from depression. He was on anti- depressants but decided to wean himself off them. He also has an issue with alcohol which means he is drinking in secret. He did this last night on the way home then came home, lied about it and then was awful to me as he was drunk and stressed as he'd been at a counsellor and it was so intense. She had told him to stop drinking for a month and as soon as he got out had two pints. Then proceeded to tell me the cousellor said I was mothering him. So far off the mark it's a joke. He was awful to me and doesn't realise how it affects me and the shouting afftects the DC.

The other week he was out and got carried away drinking - ended up passing out on the street on a dodgy road, backpack stolen and home at 3am. It is unacceptable.

I dont know what to do.

I can't go on like this I feel so dragged down by it all and the mess we are in financially because of him.

Where do I start? I am retraining so not working at the moment either.

Ahhhhhh

please go gently.

he is seeking help for the alcohol as i arranged the appointment .He has now stopped the counselling it is getting too expensive.

Most counsellors or counselling organisations do reduced rates when people cannot afford.

I do feel for you and for him.

Depression is a terrible thing. Sufferers will do anything to relieve it and when pills don't work (which is frequent, sometimes meds make things worse), drink is the next option. Booze of course causes depression & is generally dangerous but blotting things out gives temporary relief.

Your husband has to realise all that for himself, changes have to come from him. Often people have to hit rock bottom/have a crisis before they commit to change but it does happen.

All the very best to you.

No idea. I think he has to stop the drinking on his own. I don't know what you're options are but getting a place on your own if his behaviour continues to affect you seems to be the only solution. He can sort himself out if he chooses without it affecting you and you can get back together once he'd achieved that.

If you can't support yourself the options are a bit bleak. Can he go somewhere to stay.

He can only change when he's ready to change.

Maybe coming off the anti-depressants wasn't a good idea.

Have you told him how he is affecting you and that he will lose you and his child if he continues.

Can you stay somewhere else e.g your mums. Faced with the reality of you leaving might make him face up to his problems.

Either way, you said it, you can't go on like this. You are not responsible for fixing him.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. Why are you and he still together?.

Would you describe him as an alcoholic?. What is your definition of an alcoholic?. What came first; his alcoholism or his depression?. Many alcoholics self medicate with alcohol but that is itself a depressant.

His counsellor was right on one point though, you are mothering him.
He is responsible for his choices and actions, not you. Why did you make an appointment for him re the alcohol, he should have done this and not you.

Enabling him as you have done and are still doing (e.g making appointments for him) does you no good and no favours. You are most likely to be codependent as well and this state is not doing you any favours either.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and just what are they learning from the two of you re same?. They are learning a lot of damaging stuff from the two of you and you cannot and are not protecting them from their dad's alcoholism.

He is a depressed alcoholic who is refusing to comply with his treatment plan. You cannot help him stop drinking and you cannot cure his depression.

He needs to seek medical treatment. You need to set your limits on what you are willing to tolerate. Frankly I would have drawn the line a long time ago.

So he earns a lot but he freelances sp can have months not working. This is on ongoing issue and this and a mecical condition has caused his depression. He has suffered low moods before he met me but pressures on him.have made it worse and now he is using alcohol to medicate.

I am not working and had a decent inheitanance which we have had to use to pay for living when he is not working. I really cant leave financially and i feel like it is all recoverable if he gets help. We are not too far gone.

Family are not in this country and I dont have my mum anymore to even talk to. His family dont seem to take it seriously.

I feel as if im.in.this crap situation .

We want to buy a house and save but we cant move as we just found out he has a County Court Judgement against him. He has got himself into huge debt and never told me.

It is a mess. All the time i'm dealing with lots myself.

I definitely do not mothet him
The man cant collect his only mail. I've had to do stuff to protect me and my children. Last thing i need is to mother someone. Really really is not the truth.

Thanks for all your kind words. I feel so helpless and my Dr fears for my mental health due to this.

Lemon this has all crept up quite fast. He had suffered from low moods before I met him. But the alcohol being a problem has only been recent.

He had always gone out but it has never been a problem. Now it is.

He just doesnt seem to see the seriousness of it all.

I cant go and stay anywhere and meithet can he . We have no family here. He cant even get a rental property as he has a couny court judgement against him due to debt. We just found this out. He is a mess. He earns a lot bit freelances so work is mot always there.

I have money but I cant move and really I dont think it is too far gone - yet.

I just dont know to push hard for hom.to serk.help or stand back. Easier with no children.

So tricky.

You have to tell him straight.

You have no options but to tell him how you feel and you will leave him (somehow) if he continues or doesnt get help / stop drinking.

How was he when he was on AD's? If he was a lot better then there is the answer. Did he start drinking more when weaning himself off?

Or

You can just carry on as you are.

I don't know what else you can do. You need to look after your mental health too, your not his mother, nurse or a mental health professional.

I know it's hard for him in his current state but he is being selfish.

Find out your options for leaving I.e support you can get because that might be the only ace card you have. Talk to him first if you can. Maybe emailing him all your thoughts and feelings, that way he/it can't turn it into an argument and maybe a bit more will get through to him.

Do you have kids?
Do you work?
How are you retraining?
Do you have kids?

If you are not tied to your location, can you go stay with someone for a little bit, just for a break at least.

MrMagoo - he was not much different on AD but this was probably because he was not really taking them properly and also drinking.

I have children and am retraining. I have money but I would have much more if he had been in work all this time. i cant gp anywhere as the kids need to be here and DH has no money to live elsewhere.

I will not put up with this as i am suffering terribly with peri menopause. He compares my behaviour to his. I am.trying to help myself. He is not.

I just feel so sad.

I think you have to find a way to leave him. All he has done is drag you down in the gutter with him and will continue until you and the DC are homeless and destitute.

It sounds really tough and it might be a tough road ahead if you can't go anywhere.

Maybe you might get through to him.

How much is he drinking?

There will be more people giving advice soon I'm sure.

It doesn't sound like you can help him because he doesn't want to help himself.

MrMagoo - he does and he doesn't.

He drank 2 pints yesterday.

He drinks in secret so I dont know.

But his behaviour is afftected say every couple of weeks. ie passing out in.the street or ranting and raving like last night.

I dont know what to do.

He thinks one drink is fine.

His parents dont feel the seriousness of his issue.

I am.so confused as it is getting worse.

But by being there at all you are putting up with this and for your own reasons too. Why are you paralysed with such fear?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

He is basically now dragging you and your children down with him into his pit. You cannot protect them from the realities of his alcoholism here and you are not doing that currently either.

Stop making excuses for him. You are wrong if you think this is at all recoverable with help because he does not want your help or support. You cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be helped.

You should not be together at all now. You have a choice re this man yolo - your children do not. Do they really need to be there with this man, no they do not.

I think the only advice is to leave somehow. I know that might not be possible but that is about it or detach yourself from him and stay out of each others way. Not ideal I know and carry on as if you are s single Mum some how.

It doesn't sound like a nice environment for anyone.

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether. You need to figure out all your options. Putting your training on hold, housing benefits etc

It doesn't sound like you can go on living there and nothing is going to change.

I can empathise with your DH, because I suffer from PTSD and depression and have drunk too much in the past. But I've always been good at hiding it, so my family didn't have a clue. And my DH has always been private so said nothing either. How much do his parents know about the amount your DH is drinking? If they don't know the full picture then you should tell them.

I drink very little now, so it is possible for your DH to take action to help himself. It sounds like he should be back on his medication. If the medication he was on wasn't helping, he should see the GP, as there are different medications they can try. He shouldn't reduce it without medical supervision anyway.

I've never stopped fighting with my demons since my childhood, I'm an SA survivor, and it's exhausting at times, but I don't give up because I'm an adoptive mum to 2 DDs, who need me. Your DH needs to find that strength to get through whatever is causing his depression himself. You can't do it for him.

Your DH needs to take steps himself here. He needs to start therapy again. It is available on the NHS, though there is a postcode lottery unfortunately and there can be a long waiting list. Or there are organisations like MIND that ask for a voluntary donation.

Your priority is yourself and your DC; you mustn't let him bring you down with him. Is there a close friend you could confide in who would help? You need a good support network yourself.

The children need a stable, safe life and a good example set away from an alcoholic parent.
They don't need to be forced to live in that environment.

Of course you can leave. Women, and men, take their children and leave with barely a penny their pocket when they need to and have done for centuries. It sounds like money and fear of going it alone are more important than your children.