Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Could you forgive and trust again?

25 replies

Bingdebing00 · 05/06/2019 01:09

1 month after suffering miscarriage I found my husband was being sent videos of other naked women and I asked him not to view them as I was already struggling to cope with the miscarriages and already feeling low about myself.

I found he grew distant, always on his phone and had started taking his phone everywhere with him. I had my suspicions and asked him on numerous occasions if he had been viewing other naked women. Each time he lied and said No, shut up.

One day I asked to borrow his phone as mine was flat, he reluctantly handed it to me. There was lots of videos, naked women performing sex acts etc. Apparently he had signed up to a group chat and one of the other men was sending these videos to that chat group. He admitted viewing the videos but said that the chat group wasnt set up for that, it was meant to be for their sport group planning and events. He left the group a few days later.

I asked him at the time if he would find it acceptable if I had been viewing other naked men. He said No, I asked him why he thought it was acceptable for him. He said its different for men

Its the repeated lieing that Im struggling with, especially as it was at a time when I was already feeling alot of pain and really down. Im struggling to trust him again.

Has anyone been in this position and learnt to trust again?

Seriously considering a devorce as I dont feel im attractive to him anymore, feel hurt and not sure I can trust him 100% again.

OP posts:

Happyspud · 05/06/2019 01:18

He told you to shut up? There’s enough of a problem there.

I don’t know, only you can know if he’s generally a great guy and treats you with respect. It doesn’t sound like it from your post. Just be aware that many women are never told to shut up or lied to like that. I personally wouldn’t like to live with a partner like that.,

Mxyzptlk · 05/06/2019 01:20

Don't worry about whether you are attractive to him, he sounds repulsive.

Chocmallows · 05/06/2019 01:22

No I couldn't move on from this. I may try to convince everybody, but I would never convince myself. Just a question of time before the end.

Original poster

Bingdebing00 · 05/06/2019 01:28

Ive spoken to partners of 2 others in the group. And they seemed fine with their partners viewing it, but its totally hurt and destroyed me. Needed to check I wasnt overreacting. We have a child who I know would be devastated by us breaking up.

OP posts:

cheeseislife8 · 05/06/2019 01:39

To be honest, for me it would take some coming back from. I'd object to the lies so much more than the videos themselves (which themselves sound repellant). So sorry OP

BitOfFun · 05/06/2019 01:44

It's very disrespectful, I don't think I'd put up with it.

Original poster

Bingdebing00 · 05/06/2019 01:49

He says its just porn and every man views it. Still doesnt explain the lieing does it or dismiss the hurt its caused.

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 05/06/2019 01:54

Each time he lied and said No, shut up.
This was after you asked him not to look at that stuff as it was upsetting you.
And he was being secretive with his phone and always looking at it.

Were the other guys being like that, do you think?

Original poster

Bingdebing00 · 05/06/2019 02:14

mxyzptik looking at it that way, no I don't think they were. I know they weren't hiding it from them.

His treatment towards me has been extremely disrespectful hasnt it.

I know ive aged and put on weight over the time we've been together ive gone from a size 6/8 to a size 10. But he's no oil painting with his 36/38 inch belly weighing 17 stone. If it was that he didnt find me attractive any longer i would have rather he had said than destroy my confidence all together. I just feel so hurt.

OP posts:

Mummaofmytribe · 05/06/2019 02:31

My OH was like this. I stayed and he finally stopped. But the damage was done for me. I stayed for his other qualities - supportive during crises, gentle, good father, hard worker, respectful division of home duties etc blah blah - but secretly I lost respect for him and there's no intimacy.
We're older now and have been together aeons but he absolutely put me through the mill with his lying about porn.
It had an impact in all sorts of ways. I would tell my younger self to leave.

HennyPennyHorror · 05/06/2019 03:03

Every man does NOT view it. Don't have children with a man who sees women this way. What if you have a daughter??

The man you're with as the father of your child is the child's benchmark for a good partner for themselves. Is this what you want your child to be with?

Ginlinessisnexttogodliness · 05/06/2019 03:14

He doesn’t sound connected to you. At all. You and your views, feelings well they don’t appear to command any consideration or respect.

Very sorry that you’ve miscarried your baby, but I would not try for another with this man. I would leave him.

pallisers · 05/06/2019 03:25

No. And why would you want to learn to trust someone untrustworthy?

Don't have children with this man. I wonder if the other wives who are cool with the naked pics and the group porno thing they have going on have actually seen what they were looking at. But even if they are prepared to tolerate it, if you aren't that is fine. Don't.

RRJR · 05/06/2019 03:59

If it’s porn then no I wouldn’t have a problem with it

What I would have a problem with is being told to shut up. Being repeatedly lied to. Being told that it’s okay for men to do something and not women

Do you really want this nasty, lying sexist bully to be the father of your children?

Holdthedamndoor · 05/06/2019 06:20

I would be done with the 'it's different for men'

The double standard, proves he doesnt see you as an equal. That would be enough for me.

But the truth is you arent his equal. You are so much more than him.

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. You deserve so much more.

ChristmasFluff · 05/06/2019 07:41

You know absolutely that he does not respect your views and feelings, and he is a liar.

Why would you trust him again when he has proven he is untrustworthy? why would you forgive him when he has shown no remorse?

Whether you can continue a relationship with someone who doesn't respect your feelings, and is an unrepentant liar you would be foolish to trust or forgive - that is the thing to be asking yourself.

ChristmasFluff · 05/06/2019 07:47

The fact that it is porn unfortunately means you can be side-tracked by the 'oh, you are unreasonable, porn is fine!' argument. Don't be.

Imagine instead it is dogs. You found your husband was bringing dogs into your house without you knowing. You say to him, 'I don't like dogs, please don't bring dogs into my house.' Instead of deciding that dogs are important to him and leaving, or instead of deciding that you are important, and giving up dogs, he just sneakily keeps on letting dogs in the house.

When you find out, he says it wasn't him, he invited friends over, and they brought their dogs. And anyway, their partners are fine with dogs, what's wrong with you? He isn't at fault, you just need to get cool with dogs because all men like dogs.

Do you see how it isn't about the dogs/porn? It's about his moral compass and empathy - or rather the lack of.

category12 · 05/06/2019 07:51

I'm not sure why you think him looking at porn means he doesn't find you attractive. Unless he's looking at porn instead of having sex with you. You seem very caught up in it meaning you're not good enough, and that's a thought process you should really unpack.

Whether you should put up with it is another matter.

I don't really understand who's sending him these videos. Him being part of a group of men sharing this stuff would really gross me out. Stinks of misogyny and "locker room" bullshit that would put me off him completely.

And the alleged passivity of these videos coming into his possession as if by magic stinks too.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 05/06/2019 07:52

Porn aside, the lying, the telling you to "shut up", the statement that all men watch porn (they don't) and in particular his double standards regarding women watching porn would kill it for me.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2019 07:54

Bing

re your comment:-
"We have a child who I know would be devastated by us breaking up".

Do you really think so?. You may be so very wrong there.

What do you get out of this relationship now? Think about this, what needs of yours is he meeting here?.

Do not use your child as the reason now to stay with such a person.
What do you want to teach your child about relationships and what are they learning here from the two of you?. This person is seeing you as their mother put up with a liar and someone who does not see his wife as any sort of equal here. Some legacy that is to leave them.

Staying for the sake of the child is never a good idea because it places a huge burden upon that person; the knowledge you stayed because of him/her. Do not do this to him/her. You stay for your own reasons; perhaps fear of the unknown/change and or money worries. This child should not be the glue or be used as glue here to bind you and your awful sounding H together now.

Once trust has gone it is nigh on impossible for it to return. If there is no trust there is no relationship.

Bluntness100 · 05/06/2019 08:02

We all have different boundaries. Personally I wouldn't give a shit if my husband viewed porn and certainly wouldn't see it as a reflection on me. However you do.

You are fine to have this boundary. He is fine to not accept it. He gets a say too. The both of you then need to decide if it's a relationship killer.

The lying I'd assume he simply did to avoid the argument over it, rather than tell you he found your boundary unacceptable to him.

The issues I think for me would be why he thinks it's different for men and women, this isn't ok, and the telling you to shut up.

On a seperate level you need to understand why your self esteem is so low, what is causing this, is it something in your own head, is he causing it, what's the root of this. It's not normal to simply think as a man views porn clips he's sent that it means he finds you unattractive so there must be more going on there.

toooldtocare · 05/06/2019 08:10

I am still struggling two and a half years later. We've done marriage counselling he is sorry but I can't get over the lies. The porn I don't care about so much but it's about the trust (we'd had another unrelated issue regarding trust years before).. I so want to stay married it is just about what you can cope with and whether you can live with what has happened.

No judgement from me as I am not sure we'll last.

LemonTT · 05/06/2019 08:25

I agree with Bluntness on this.

He had a different boundary from you and when this was revealed he handled it all wrong. He should have been clear this was his decision and allowed you to respond to that. Now you know that he has a different view on it and rather than defending this he will lied and deceived you. He lied because he didn’t want to deal with the repercussions of telling you his true opinion or actions. He will do this again.

TheStuffedPenguin · 05/06/2019 09:44

I think some of you are very naive about the things that some men send in some chat groups . There's always one tosser who thinks it is funny to post stuff like this . I'm not saying it is right but it happens. The lying is something else though OP . Enough to break up a marriage ? Your choice ...we don't know the whole story here but maybe you are overthinking this? I'm not meaning to be offensive as obv you have stuff to work through re your miscarriage but it really doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive.

booboo24 · 05/06/2019 11:49

Hi, firstly I'm so SO sorry for your loss.
I do however totally agree with Thestuffedpenguin, these things go round all the time (whether they're hidden or not), if they're anything like what my fiance gets, they're a 2 second wonder, most don't sit pouring over them or comparing them to 'real life'. My partner usually says 'oh God, what's so and so sent now, laughs, and then forgets it! If porn is a boundary to you then that's your deal and you must stand by that, but I just wanted you to see another viewpoint too. I hope you can get past this x

Flip