Sorry to post this on here but I feel like I need to vent as I feel so alone, and wonder if anyone else is going through the same thing.
Tonight I came home from work to my OH tired and in a bad mood, he barked at me as soon as I came home because I asked 'oh how comes you didn't do the washing up? Is it cos you're tired?' (this is something he said he was doing today). I made sure to say it in a nice way but straight away he got on the defensive, got aggy with me then didn't speak to me for the rest of the night and fell asleep on the sofa (which is where he always sleeps, but it's always been like this).
Now this is just an example and a pretty easy night for me even though I feel really down after, but this is something that happens very regularly and is normally worse. He has angry outbursts over the smallest things that you wouldn't normally get angry about but he says it's to do with his anxiety. He went mad at me the other day because I didn't fancy having my food cooked on the bbq with him and my step daughter, he had another outburst at me cos I didn't fancy going on some rides at the seaside, he's even shouted at me once when he was hungry and I couldn't pull over at a take away because there was nowhere to park.
I feel I am completely at breaking point, I have tried everything I can to no avail. I've tried ignoring it then bringing it up later when he's calmed down, joining in with him and defending myself and tried to leave on multiple occasions but he stops me and breaks down and says he will try harder and he will work on it but nothing changes.
He also has very little motivation, I feel I have to do a lot around our flat. I'll clean it, ask him to tidy after himself to keep it tidy but he won't, yet he'll go mad at me if I move a phone charger etc. He sometimes just erupts at me without even having a conversation first. There's lots of important things he needs to do that I constantly remind him to do and he doesn't, when we had a row about a month ago and I told him I'd had enough and that he doesn't do anything he says he will he said if I made a list and stuck it on the fridge for him he'd do them. Well a month later I think he's done 2 things on said list.
I know what you are all thinking because I think it myself, girl you are mad, why are you sticking around. Well it's not that simple, we've been together 2 and a half years and he has a LG from a previous relationship who I love to bits, I have spent all this time with her and the thought of breaking our family kills me. Don't get me wrong we do have really good days but the bad sometimes outweighs the good. I love him with all my heart too, and I support them both like crazy, but I feel like a lot of the time he uses his anxiety as an excuse because the things he goes mad over don't make sense. I'm also ashamed to admit it's affecting my mental health too. On a couple of occasions where we are mid row, I feel so backed into a corner it all gets too much and I have started to lash out and hit myself. I know this is a massive issue and is not something I have ever done before as I'm always the happy bubbly fun loving girl but that has all faded away due to this.
I am contacting a Councillor tomorrow for myself and my partner as I know it is fight or flight but I'm really praying for a miracle right now.