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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It's ok to not have the spark (whatever that really is) right away right? It can 'grow' apparently.

11 replies

Leapoffaith00 · 04/06/2019 19:13

I have been asked out on a date - really random and unexpected actually. I know him from school. See him now and again as we live close by. He comments on my Facebook quite a bit and my sister jokes he likes me. Got chatting about a month ago, only basic hello how are you kinda stuff. I would never have even contemplated it (only cos I don't date) but my sister thinks I should give him a chance. Only because she met her now fiance through a works thing. They knew eachother a year before going out. She said it 'grew'. Now getting married next year after 6 years together. How do you know you don't fancy him until you date him, she says. Well, I don't know, I can't remember the last time I fancied someome. I know its how someone makes you feel but surely there has to be a 'spark' or something like that!!

OP posts:
redexpat · 04/06/2019 19:59

I didnt Think my dh was going to be anything other than a bit of fun, but he definitely grew on me. That was 15 years ago.

Ive also found similar with friendships - the people I really click with quite often fizzle out. The ones I have to work at a bit because we were stuck together last much longer.

mindutopia · 04/06/2019 20:15

Do you think he’s nice? Funny? Would be fun to spend time with? Do you have similar interests or values?

I thought my dh was fun and really funny and a genuinely nice guy but I definitely had no romantic interest in him at all when we first met. But I did really enjoy my time with him and we always had lots to talk about. It took about a month of us hanging out regularly with a group of friends (he was a work colleague of a friend’s partner) until one day it clicked and there was a spark! I truly just never saw him that way until then, even though I genuinely really liked him.

If he is a nice guy and you enjoy time together sand have things in common, I don’t think there’s any harm in having a coffee or drinks together. You never know. If nothing else, it’s a fun evening out and no more.

Leapoffaith00 · 04/06/2019 21:53

I haven't spent enough time with him to know. That's why I thought I'd go along to find out. If it was natural there would be no pressure however, as it's a date, I feel there is. What if I don't know until I spend a number of dates with him. I don't want to lead him on or anything.

OP posts:
Pink321 · 05/06/2019 07:58

It's deffo ok. I didn't have a spark for the first couple of months with my OH. It grew and now I couldn't do without him xxx

Leapoffaith00 · 05/06/2019 13:58

I'm not too worried about time, spending the time to get to know him. Its important to do that. However, what I am worried about is that it's a date so more pressure. As in, to progress. What if I don't want to kiss him. I guess that's probably the norm on a first date but on a third or fourth. I know this sounds so so childish but I have no clue. I want to go and enjoy myself, hopefully enjoy his company and see how I feel. What if I don't know for a while, like so.e of you didn't. Will he be expecting a kiss do you think? Oh god! I feel so childlike asking this.

OP posts:
JudgeRulesNutterButter · 05/06/2019 14:02

Dates which start out with a spark don’t necessarily end with one. No one ought to be thinking an end-of-first-date-kiss is guaranteed. Give him a try!

If nothing else you sound like you need to build up your dating confidence a bit. Practice makes perfect Wink

Leapoffaith00 · 05/06/2019 14:09

I really do! I'm nervous but excited about getting to know him. I just don't want the pressure to feel something and I don't want to hurt anyone if I don't feel anything.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/06/2019 14:10

You literally just go along and do what feels rights. If you wanna kiss him, you do. If you don't, you don't. If he asks for one, you be honest. If he invites you back for Netflix and Chill you say no unless you've packed condoms 🤣

Leapoffaith00 · 05/06/2019 14:12

Haha! It all sounds so simple. How many dates would you say is an acceptable amount before you have some kind of clue to how you feel?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 05/06/2019 14:40

I don't think there's a rule but I guess by 3 or 4 you'll have an idea if you want to kiss him, or see him again.

millythepink · 05/06/2019 16:22

When DH first asked me out I actually had my eye on someone else, so I agreed to go out with him in a very distracted sort of way. Before our first date I wasn't entirely sure I could even remember what he looked like Grin

Rest assured, I soon changed my mind and by our third date I had decided I must marry him Smile

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