Ex’s new partner

[twirlypoo]

My ex and I broke up nearly a year ago, and he was lovely and abusive in equal measures. Incredibly controlling (he chose my clothes, my hair colour, whether I worked, when I could leave the house) but equally very loving and I felt very happy and safe at times.

I know this is fucked up that I don’t hate him and still miss him. I tried to have therapy about it but the therapist said I was like a prostitute for staying with him (I had no money of my own without him) so I didn’t go back after a few sessions.

I’ve found out today he’s dating a young Chinese girl in her early 20’s - he’s nearly 60.

It’s hit me really hard and I don’t know why, I actually feel like I’ve been punched. It’s such a cliche. I assume she will be easy to manipulate and control, he will be in his element. I’m sort of horrified and sad and jealous (hard to write that) all st the same time.

Some one give me a slap because I really just want to cry. When will I get this man out of my system so he no longer bothers me? I mean, he sounds pitiful from my description, why am I so upset?

Find a better therapist and work it out. So sorry for what they said to you, that's awful and unhelpful for your therapeutic relationship

I feel like I’m generally okay on a day to day basis, but when I have to see him or I hear things like this, it just hurts and I miss him.

I’m worried I can’t access more therapy - I had a year psychotherapy to deal worh childhood abuse, and then was referred back there to the lady above. When I didn’t go back I got a really snooty letter saying I had refused to engage and they were withdrawing services. I didn’t feel strong enough to kick off at that point!

To be fair. I was a bit like a prostitute. He was incredibly sexually demanding but he took care of everything financially for me. I never had to worry about a thing. I adored him though, I thought he was the one I would spend my life with.

Wow - your therapist is total knob-head.
What a horrendous thing to say.
He or she knows nothing about controlling relationships.
Please contact Womens Aid.
Ask them for specialist counsellors in your area.
Did you get DA support when you split?
If not then Womens Aid can help you with that as well.

A good therapist helps you to reach your own conclusions or presents you with interpretations when you are in a place to be receptive to them (& presents them in a way for you to take them on board, not put you on the defensive!)

I think my self esteem was just so low (it still is!) that it seemed semi reasonable, if a bit unprofessional. I didn’t feel like she understood though, I stayed because I loved him and I wanted things to get better between us - I still bloody do. I was trapped in a way though as he didn’t want me working so I’d given up my job, and I had no income. It’s hard to walk away when you are starting from nothing.

I don’t feel like women’s aid resources should be used on me, im safe and okay - I’m not in any danger. For all he was abusive at times, there was good bits too. It’s so hard to separate off in my head.

Thank you for replying everyone. I have that horrid sick feeling when you have had a shock, and I just want to contact him.

I need to find my anger. He started hitting me, he locked me in the house. He was sending porn to 20 year olds behind my back. He is utterly detached from his kids. I deserve more - I need to believe that rather than just say the words.

I’m sick of hitting these walls where it hurts all over again.

You need a good therapist. There are lots you can try. There’s a service called time to talk. Are you paying for your sessions or going through the GP? If you pay, you could choose your own and have an appointment very quickly. You really need somebody who specialises in co dependency, domestic abuse and anxiety. Google those things and the name of your area and it should bring up counsellors in your area. Is his new GF in this country? She could be using him for a visa if not?

Try the Freedom Programme (in person if possible) and talking to domestic abuse services/charities about support coming to terms with what happened in the relationship. You need support from people who understand the dynamics of abusive relationships.

As far as I know, Women's Aid isn't just for women in immediate danger. I'm sure you're just as important to them and they can help you process this abusive relationship.

I think you miss the ‘feeling happy and safe’ element of the relationship. Despite his faults, he looked after you, and you didn’t have to want for nothing.

However, you need to remember the flip side - the controlling, porn, abuse etc.

Also, question why a sixty year old is dating (controlling) twenty year olds? I’m guessing your a lot younger than him also.

Start small and build your self esteem up.