I have a close group of about 10 female frjends, we've all been friends for 10 years plus.
As with any group - some of us have MH issues (I have bipolar, a couple with intermittent anxiety or depression, some with no issues).
One friend, let's call her Claire, has been off work for 2.5 years and in and out of a private hospital with anxiety disorder and depression.
Claire has a reputation for being high maintenance even before she was ill...this would include things like:
- Being very flakey on commitments, cancelling at the last minute to do something else or because she couldn't be bothered (including cancelling on me the day before when I asked her to accompany me to an abortion clinic, so I went alone and sobbed the whole time - she cancelled to "revise for her driving theory test")
- Being very awkward during times when we are arranging group trips and then dropping out at the last minute sometimes the day before a flight and then asking if she can get her money back
- Making reasonably disastrous life choices leaving the rest of us feeling quite stressed on her behalf (e.g. sleeping with married boss 3 days into a new job on a works night out and then leaving said job because she was too embarrassed to face colleagues)
So that was before she was ill. Since she's been ill she has cancelled last minute on lots of commitments. No-one had a problem with this as obviously she's been struggling with her MH.
However she has also done the following:
- Lied about the reasons for cancelling (e.g. saying babysitting niece when several of us are FB friends with her sister and can see they're all away for the weekend)
- Twice made silly decisions we all warned her against about taking on pets (a street cat flown over from Dubai, then a dog) which she has then given back after a few days. Some of us are very much animal lovers so this was pretty shocking to us
- Drink driving (after heavy amounts of alcohol - she really could have killed herself or someone else)
- Lashing out at people not being supportive when they say they disagree with something she has done or said (causing that friend to be in tears)
- Constantly moans about being 'poor' despite being on 2/3 of a good salary (£80k+) while she's been off work in front of people working extremely hard who also have MH issues for much less money but then going on lots of holidays
Her MH issues have made her incredibly sensitive (her own words) so you are left feeling that you are waking on eggshells around her.
In addition she has very little self-awareness and doesn't seem to realise she has any negative impact on other people.
Everything has come to a head this weekend - she felt people were 'being off' with her. A number of people have said they needed to pull back a bit for the sake of their own MH so I think this is what she was picking up on.
She has now sent a message saying she no longer wants to be in contact with this group of friends (with the exclusion of me).
She fully believes that the other women in the group have been 'mean' to her because she cancelled commitments due to her anxiety.
I'm seeing her on Friday and I know it's a big list of other stuff (I haven't listed everything, there's more) and I don't think it's right that I let her continue with this very wrong impression.
Equally, I don't want to upset her to the degree I cause her MH to get worse again and a big list of things she's done to alienate people isn't going to help.
The other aspect is I don't believe that anxiety/depression are the cause of much of this behaviour (except the cancellations which we're fine with). What I can't decide though is whether she's actually just not a good person or whether she has something like Borderline Personality Disorder?
And if she does have BPD, can you really just overlook things she does? Where do you draw the line between being supportive of someone and withdrawing from someone who can be toxic at times?
Sorry - long post! Any help appreciated