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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found long lost dad

26 replies

FluffieBabies · 04/06/2019 09:37

I just found my long lost dad after 45 years. I last saw him when I was 5 when my parents split up. I knew 100% for definite it was him for a couple of reasons including I'd found a photo of him online linked to the information I'd found, so it was unmistakable.
I sent him an email talking about what I remembered about him and the places we'd been. I said that if he didn't want to reconnect that I'd understand but that I'd just love an email from him to see how his life had been and what he remembered about me.
He sent a message back saying that I'd got the wrong person and that he'd never been to those places. ...sadly I replied saying sorry I got the wrong person... I humoured him as I knew he wasn't interested. Has anyone else had something like this happen where the found parent isn't interested? I saw it happen once on a long lost family type show. I'm glad they showed it as it must happen occasionally.

OP posts:

AdaColeman · 04/06/2019 15:20

How sad for you Fluffie that he should turn away your love, but ultimately, he is the loser, not you.

You sound kind and generous of spirit, which you must be to give someone who had abandoned you a second chance. He hasn't yet discovered, and probably never will, something that you already know; that the more love you give the more love you get.

Wishing you much happiness in the coming days.

Original poster

FluffieBabies · 04/06/2019 16:44

Thank you so much Ada, your kind words are much appreciated x

OP posts:

Hp737 · 04/06/2019 17:05

I’m really sorry to hear this and all I can say is he is no loss. Hope you’re ok xx

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 17:13

Im so sorry this happened to you.

My ex's father was adopted . He tracked down his mother when he was in his 40s and she did not want to have contact.

Terribly sad. He is a wonderful man and it absolutely was her loss.

Take care x

Babynut1 · 04/06/2019 17:15

I tracked down my bio dad. I wrote a letter but never had a response.
Im glad I got in contact though as least now I know he’s never really thought about me and is not interested in the slightest.
If I hadn’t got in touch then I’d always be left wondering what if.
His wife is on Facebook so I often look her up as there are a few pics of him on her profile.
I have two young siblings that I’ll never know but hey ho!

iwillkeepthishouseclean · 04/06/2019 18:00

Met my biological dad when I was 30 wasn't what I expected he's not you're dad he wasn't there for me didn't walk me down the isle hasn't ever wiped my house when it was running give me a hug after I fell he provided sperm for my existing that's it...

Original poster

FluffieBabies · 04/06/2019 22:05

Thanks so much for all your amazing posts guys.
Babynut, yes thats how I feel too, even though it turned out like it did I'm still glad I did it, because at least now I know. I have at least 2 half siblings too, two he had before he married my mum, he is probably not in contact with them either.

OP posts:

FuriousVexation · 04/06/2019 22:18

I'm sorry OP, that must be incredibly hurtful.

I'm not in contact with either of my parents (who haven't been together in well over 30 years) by my own choice. Sometimes it still hurts.

I hope you can do something kind for yourself today/tomorrow. Pizza and Netflix?

ittakes2 · 05/06/2019 06:18

I'm sorry for your situation. Does he have other children you know about? Have you thought about doing one of those DNA tests which link you to family trees? He might feel a certain way but it does not mean other members of his family do.
My parents were given DNA kits as a present - and discovered a grandchild they did not know about.
My brother's ex broke up with her husband, went back with my brother and then got back again with her husband. She then had a baby and despite this ex telling my brother the child was not his - it seems that she is - as someone in her family decided to do a DNA test and this test linked her to my parents as a close relative. My parents emailed her mother and had no reply - but if this little girl ever becomes interested in her DNA profile when she is older she will discover she is related to our family.
My brother also intends to contact her when she is an adult. My mother wants my brother to do something about it now but the girl is a young teenager and my brother does not want to disrupt her life with telling her her mother has lied to her all these years about who her father is.
But if the truth ever comes out - she has about 8 aunts and uncles and 12 cousins who would be delighted to welcome her into the family. Not to mention one set of grandparents who are desperate to hug her.

ViolentBrutishAndShort · 05/06/2019 06:25

My brother's bio father was killed in WW2. I have recently discovered his identity and been in touch with his family who initially seemed genuinely interested but have now dropped the ball.

It's a particular type of pain isn't it? You can't push at a closed door but the frustration is overwhelming when you mean no harm. I get it OP.

ittakes2 · 05/06/2019 06:28

Sorry can I just add as I realised I painted a happy picture in my last post about the little girl but you might find it helpful to know - although my brother seems to have a good reason for not contacting this girl ie he is not sure she knows whether her mum has been lying to her about who her father was or not...he also has some very clear selfish reasons. He has just gotten married and had a little baby girl with his new wife. We suspect he does not want to upset his new family - his wife knew about his relationship with this girls mother and she was very jealous of the mother. We also suspect he does not mind avoiding the issue of financial support should this come up. This little girl does know my brother well - her mother and her lived with him for 3 years at some point so its not like my brother is a stranger to her.
I'm just telling you this because maybe your father has his reasons - but it does not mean other blood relatives will feel the same.

Original poster

FluffieBabies · 05/06/2019 08:54

ittakes2, yes funnily enough the DNA test is on my mind. Funnily enough I got an email from a company that does it just after this happened (offering a discount for a fathers gift - it happened just before fathers day with all the ads with loving dads on tv to rub it in lol). I do wonder if they maybe be mortified about me contacting them too.
And yes I think my dad not wanting the current family/partner to know about me is probably a factor as she is probably unaware of me and potentially the two before me (married twice with 3 children by 24!)
And also he never paid any child support so he may be worried about that, there was a news article recently about a dad being sued for support 50 years after!

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 06/06/2019 08:57

OP, you sound so lovely - anyone would be mad to not want to get to know you better. I know the DNA test you mean - it is the one my parents did. Ultimately you need to make the decision on what you want to do. But one idea is do to the test and see who comes up - you don’t have to contact anyone if you find they are linked to you. They will get an email from the company telling them they have a match - but likewise they don’t have to contact you. Your ‘dad’ has told you he is not who you think he is - but you would not be doing anything wrong doing a DNA test to see who you are related to.
The only thing I would say is it’s unlikely your dad has done or would do a test himself - if he knows he has hidden secret relatives. My brother did the test but he opted to keep who he was related to a secret - ie the DNA company did not tell people who he matched to that he matched to them.

ittakes2 · 06/06/2019 09:00

Sorry I wanted to also say -do you think you would feel some sort of closure if you find out you are genetically linked to family who is genetically linked to your dad? Ie as evidence you are right? Have you looked at his family tree on ancestors.com or similar? They tend to have free days on public holidays or near things like Father’s Day I think.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 06/06/2019 13:52

I encouraged a friend to contact his father after one of his step relatives revealed something about his mother being dishonest about the past. He very easily traced him and initially the reaction was good.

He was then pressurised very persistently and aggressively for money. That seemed to be the only reason they replied - because he had money and they thought they could benefit from it. My friend realised his mother had lied for a reason but I think he needed to find out for himself. After he refused to donate towards an unknown half sibling contact was stopped.

I think finding long lost relatives generally ends up being a disappointment but it's a necessary step for moving on.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 06/06/2019 14:01

My dd found her df after 20 years nc. He half arsed to keep in touch but made no real effort to get to know her at all. She says she feels nothing for him. Makes the effort to see him at his request - 3 times a year - as he has a teen dd also now. She also isn't really that interested in my dd.
Nowt as queer as folk so they say.
I am nc with my df. Op you sound like an amazing woman, remember your 'd' f has no idea what he is missing out on by snubbing you. You are a reminder of his failings ime.

ItsInTheSpoon · 06/06/2019 14:06

I’m so sad for you.... what an idiot he is x

Original poster

FluffieBabies · 07/06/2019 11:23

Thanks so much for your lovely replies itsinthespoon, myshinywhiteteeth, ittakes2 & walkamile, I really appreciate it and it has made me feel alot better about everything
Myshinywhite teeth, yes at least I now can now move on.
ittakes2, thanks for such lovely comments I dont think i can look up ancestry as I only know name, dob & birthplace, I may have a quick peek though.
I've definitely decided I am going to do the DNA test and not hide myself to any possible matches . I'm going to order it today! I'll be excited to see what comes back and if there are any relative matches, but if there isn't or if they don't want to make contact at least I will have done it and know what may or may not be there.

OP posts:

Strawberry2017 · 07/06/2019 11:38

I'm so sorry @FluffieBabies sounds very much like it's his loss.
My husband never knew his bio dad, met him once when he was 18 but was told he would be kept a secret from the rest of the family.
As far as I know he has siblings he will never meet. He's never spoken to him again.
I think I'm more curious then him, that's my dd grandad, I'm curious about family health issues/cousins etc and he is certainly missing out on our DD, she is a little miss sassy pants.
I love the idea of a DNA Test and just wait and see, one day you might get an interesting knock at the door. X

AdaColeman · 07/06/2019 12:03

Hello Fluffie I'm so glad that you sound quite upbeat about it all, and are looking at other avenues. Atta Girl!

Have you heard of Future Learn. It runs free online courses, one of which is Genealogy - Researching your Family Tree. You can sign up with FL and they will email you when your course is next being run.

I think it's best to view the DNA test as a fun thing to do, and not pin too many hopes on it, but you know that already I'm sure.
Kindest thoughts.

Original poster

FluffieBabies · 07/06/2019 12:04

Thank you strawberry

OP posts:

CliveTheCheeseplant · 07/06/2019 12:12

Just my two pennies worth- my long lost dad found me when I was 16. Letters back and forth, excitement, met up, and then bam he buggered off again. And then we had letters back and forth again, excitement, and then he lost interest again. Broke my heart. So I told him to sod off eventually and won’t bother ever again.

I think if a parent has been absent then that says a lot about how much they care. We as the children are naturally curious about who they are and- if we are honest- hold the hope that if we connect it will be wonderful. But it rarely is. Because that parent has never been a parent. And they never will be a parent. And even if they make the effort to get to know you you will always know they were an absent disinterested parent. I think unfortunately the situation carries an awful lot of hope for the child and the parent figure won’t be able to match up to that.

CliveTheCheeseplant · 07/06/2019 12:13

PS I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You deserve better.

Original poster

FluffieBabies · 07/06/2019 13:44

Thanks so much for sharing your experience Clive, you sound like a great person and I'm so sorry that happened for you. Yes I think in the bottom of my heart I wondered if he might not be interested, but as he was young, may not have known where I was, and would need to go through my mother, I thought he may be interested in reconnecting now. Not all people are great parents unfortunately

OP posts:

ALemonyPea · 07/06/2019 13:53

So sorry to read this Op.

I found my bio dad when I was 30, met a few times and then he just didn't want to know. It was so hard, I had to have counselling as the rejection hit me so hard.

Stupidly, I bumped into him at a party, he talked to me and promised he'd come talk to me at my house the following day, I got excited, he didn't turn up and I felt like shit again.

I no,longer allow him head space. I have a dad, a real on, who was there when I was growing up and is still here now.

I hope you can move on from this and know you're the better person.

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