I don't think I love DH anymore, what do I do?

[catbynature]

I guess this has been building up, it didn't happen overnight. We're a blended family and I admit I've found it so hard being a step parent, it's been difficult and I guess so many issues and problems have just taken it's toll! We have 4 children between us mine are 16 and 13 and his are 13 and 15. It's been a challenge.
There's been other things going on too, he had a heart attack a week before we got married. Then he got an ear infection which has caused him to go deaf in one ear this has obviously changed him and our relationship. Of course I've been a support to him, the poor guy has been through so much with his health. The problem is now if there is an issue with our relationship I can't talk to him about it as he becomes defensive, angry and then we'll end up talking about his health and then I feel sorry for him so nothing gets resolved. I don't hate him I still care about him, I just don't feel the same about him and I don't want sex with him anymore either.
Is this a normal marriage though, I do enjoy his company sometimes I just feel like he doesn't care how I feel about anything. He allows his dds to be rude to me or if I try and talk about anything with him he just gets angry.
I felt our wedding day was awful for so many reasons, I keep telling myself the poor guy had a heart attack just a week before of course it wasn't going to be perfect. I think everyone else thought it was more emotional because he made it there and I wanted to feel like that but it was so stressful and he wasn't loving towards me at all. He was able to chat and laugh with friends and family but not with me, probably because he didn't have the energy but I can't help the way I feel.
What do I do though, I just don't know were to go from here. Advice please

This will be blunt, I'm sorry.

It sounds like, in marrying you, he intended to acquire a domestic appliance rather than a loved partner.

You say that he has health problems, doesn't care what you think, allows your children to treat you terribly and couldn't even muster up a little love and gratitude on your wedding day.

I'm sorry to say, it sounds like he wants you around as a carer to his children and him (and this will be even more pronounced as his health worsens with age). There was an old saying that (some) older men sought "a nurse with a purse".

And

I think you’ve both been through a lot, I would really suggest marriage counselling so that you can feel heard and talk through some of your issues.

Think about how long you can live like this without your mental health and parenting being effected. Will you be ok if those stepchildren are still living at home at 23 and 25? Because this is a very real possibility.

As soon as I mention anything about counselling he just gets angry and says why would we need counselling, are you saying I'm not good enough for you!

I just don't know what to do, it's not easy for anyone for me to leave. Were would I go, how would it effect my 2 they are quite settled now. I don't earn enough to rent in my own, I could buy a house once this house was sold and savings I have. Or do I continue living here get on with it and just spend more time with friends. I don't know what to do.

I think living with 4 teenagers from two different families must be hell on earth and affect your relationship. I think you need go sit down and discuss your issues and find a way going forward that works for everyone.

Every time you want to talk he gets shouty and shuts you down? Every meaningful conversation ends up talking about him and his health and makes you feels sorry for him.
He doesn’t care about how you feel. He is perfectly able to be affable and friendly to friends and family, but he is shitty to you.

He is controlling and manipulative OP.

Never mind whether you love him or not, it doesn’t seem like he loves or respects you! This man is showing you - by his attitude, verbally abusive behaviour, disrespect etc - that he doesn’t care about your feelings, he is not caring for you. No matter what he says - and I can imagine he would say ‘of course I love you!’ In a scathing way, if challenged, just to get you off his back and shut you up.

You may want to spend more time with friends but avoiding him will only take you so far. You could try to grow a harder shell and say to yourself that if you were tougher his words and disrespect won’t hurt you as much. This too has a very limited timespan.

All these are just sticking plasters. He is banking on you gritting your teeth and carrying on with this life. He knows/wishes you would be too loaded by guilt over his health problems to ever Up sticks and leave. He thinks he has all the cards.

I think you need to take his health out of the equation. Doesn’t matter if he has hearing problems and/or heart condition...he is making your life a misery and is not even attempting to be kind.

Also, I’m sure your children would be fine with it. They want a happy mum who is not getting emotionally battered by her partner. This man sees your marriage as a one-way street. He is sucking the joy out of your life, your kids will see that.

Banish guilt, shame, all the crap you may feel exposing this to the light. Get counselling for yourself - that will help you. Dragging him to counselling would be useless and possibly damaging for you.

You don’t deserve to be treated like this.

But she can't discuss her issues can she?
She's already explained that he shuts her down every time these issues are aired.
And just to be clear, he refuses to go for counselling. He refuses to acknowledge her feelings...he's one big refusenik!
So....what to do?
Well, if it was me, I'd get those ducks in a row and tell him that I've had enough and as he won't entertain discussing matters then there's obviously no future as MY needs are not being met and MY needs are just as important as anyone else's.
Find a good solicitor, (get your free half hour to help you understand process and procedure), get into assertive mode and LTB.
Your children and his children are learning very damaging life lessons if you stay.
And OP, your future has to be better without all this tension and upset.

I'm with @pallasathena

Get things ready for an exit. I know you feel guilty and it must be hard.

How old is your OP and why did he have a heart attack? Does he look after himself, diet, excercise?

If he refuses to engage he hasn't left you much choice. If you are able to leave you can tell him counselling or you're out the door.

You count as much as he does. You are not there to make him happy or vice versa but it would be nice to have your needs and feelings acknowledged.

My dd is doing her GCSEs atm so I can't do anything for a few weeks. I know I will flip eventually.
I've been divorced once before I didn't want to go down that road again.
I started to feel like this when he let his dds be rude to me and seemed to side with them. He would tell my 2 off for not cleaning up but not his own. Talking to him about it was just impossible he couldn't see the issue and I'd be accused of been over protective of my 2. I could go on I guess I'm getting it off my chest and rambling. Just always comes back to his health, he's not strong enough to deal with things because he feels down, if his dd is rude to me he didn't hear because of his deaf ear yet he'll hear everything else.
I guess I feel alone, everyone thinks we're blissfully happy and he's a lovely guy and he was when we first met, and he's sociable when we're out with people but I just don't feel I mean enough to him.

This feels like a place where improved communication could really help. There are ways to talk and listen so we don't get as defensive and the anger levels don't rise. But it needs to be learned and practiced. I think this article has an interesting take: www.poweroftwomarriage.com/info/how-to-fix-a-relationship/