Breakup aftermath - the first hours logistics

[luggageandbags]

I NCd for this.
DP just had another argument tonight, a big shouty one, with children present, and about the same thing yet again. We have been going to couples counselling for months and have been doing really well and trying hard but this has happened again and I’m done.

I have taken the kids away overnight as I don’t want to stay in the same house as him any more. I don’t want any more arguing and he refused to leave. We only have the overnight bag, and I need to have a plan for the morning but I’m just drawing blank what I need to do first. Kids and I are staying at a hotel tonight and the family home belongs to him so I guess I need to sort housing and accommodation for us pronto.

Should I talk to DP straight away about contact and schedule or just lie low for a few days until I have clearer head and let him contact me when he wants to see the kids. I haven’t even told him I want to break up but I’m sure he knows it (and probably feels the same). Our next counselling session will be in a couple of days, I guess we can work some of it out then. How many days/nights is reasonable contact? He will probably want 50/50 but I’m concerned that would be too disruptive for DC (they are primary school and toddler age). Even three nights a week seem like too many, I would like them to have the base with me..

I checked entitled to but as I don’t have an address for me and the kids I can’t make a claim for money support as a single parent (yet I’ll desperately need the funds to be able to move). What do I do about that? And how does maintenance work?

Sorry I’m just writing it all down in a messy blergh but I’m feeling like a rabbit in headlights right now and I’m the kind of person who likes to have a plan.

I think you have two things to do immediately: make an urgent solicitor appointment. You can then find out any rights to the family home, financial rights and obligations.
If you have no right to live in the family home you can then take advice on finding somewhere to live.
Solicitor will also advise about mediation/Court to make arrangements re the children.
The other thing to do asap is seek support irl. Tell someone what's happening. You're in shock and need a handhold. Preferably also someone who can offer you a short term place to stay. You presumably can't afford to stay in a hotel for long.
Is mum supportive, or a close friend?
I hope you have someone. Best of luck.
I walked out of my marriage with my three little ones, years back, and I found housing, work etc. It was a huge thing as I had mo income or savings when I fled, but I got there, and you will too.
What made a difference to me was a really kind friend squeezed us into her spare room for the first week. That helped so much. I'll always remember her.

Sorry to hear all this. I guess you will have to take it hour by hour for the next few days. No need to rush into any decisions I'd say. Good that you have a counselling session booked already. I don't know the answers to your questions, but I've found gingerbread helpful in the past- you could call them in the morning:
"The Gingerbread Single Parent Helpline provides support and expert advice on anything from dealing with a break-up to going back to work or sorting out child maintenance, benefit or tax credit issues. Our friendly advisers will talk through your options and send you useful information. Your call is free and confidential.
The helpline number is 0808 802 0925."

Also just to say I fled with no money too - took an interest free loan from my employer to pay the deposit on a rented flat, it wasn't always easy but it's one of the best things I ever did. Good luck.

Can you arrange for a relative or friend to look after the children tomorrow? That will help. Then I wouldn't say a word to your partner/ex, access the house when he's at work and take important documents like passports and birth cirtificates of you and the children.
Stuff a weeks worth of clothes and any other essentials into a couple of bags and arrange where you plan to stay over the next few days and this gives you time to gather your thoughts.
If you do leave permanently you would be best off contacting your local housing association/the council and declaring yourself homeless.
Ring the benefits agencies and declare yourself as lone parent, this will start the ball rolling for financial support.
Keep the children your number one priority and try to keep the transition (this is massive to them) smooth and calm.
(don't mean to sound patronising, I hope it's not coming across that way).
I hope you feel more relaxed now and the children have a lovely restful sleep.
Take each day as it comes x

Thank you both, it really means a lot.

I checked Gingerbread website and they seem to suggest that mediation happens if parents can’t agree re contact, and if that doesn’t work then it goes to court. Or should I get a solicitor anyway?

I don’t want to stay in family home, it is in his name only and to be honest I never really felt happy there so finding somewhere just for me and little ones feels like an important thing to do. We are not married and no shared finances such as mortgages or credit so it should be straightforward from that point of you.

I would like to try to resolve this diy way between us and with the help of the counsellor if we can. I’ll ring Gingerbread in the morning.

My family live abroad but I’ll try to find us somewhere to stay. It’s a big ask with two kids...

Ps. Keep a diary of events and how you feel if indeed you do leave permanently.
Sometimes there is a lot if guilt that comes with the breaking up of a family. A diary is a good thing to look back at the reasons why and how your life was while making such a decision.

I would not see 2 kids as a big ask if my friend knocked during a crisis, don't be afraid to reach out for support x

Cross posted, thank you @Poppy43 too.

I think the diary is a good idea. I feel the same as I did back in January after our previous big argument. Things have got better since and I was under illusion that it could be repaired only to find ourselves in the same place again.

I’m not even angry just want to get out.

I was in your shoes many years ago, it's a big leap but life becomes intolerable when the relationship is clearly not working.
I left like you, no commitments financially. A few months of stress regarding getting housing and finances established plus decorating and trying to minimise impact on the children, but we all have a lovely (peaceful) home life now.

OP you may need to put extra stress on your situation initially if you're looking for help from LHA.

If you have savings and income then you're in a better place than most. Call your workplace for an emergency day off and go from there.

Thanks Furious.

I do have a job and some savings so yes you are right I am in a better position than many. The older child is off school today, he has a cold and it’s mummy day for the younger anyway so best I can do today is keep it together in front of them and get through the day. DP’s mum lives locally and we can stay with her from tonight.