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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend dropped contact with 'friend' but I am confused

14 replies

Brandyandcoke46 · 03/06/2019 23:31

Hi, I've NC for this as I'm a regular, though not usually on the relationships board. I'd like advice please because my friends are being lovely but I'm worried they are just telling me what I want to hear.

My boyfriend (of nearly two years) and I live in different parts of the country but he works near me a few days a week so stays with me/at a hotel and we go out together during that part of the week, plus some weekends.

I recently found out that he was texting another woman who he claims is purely a friend. I have no problem at all with him having female friends, quite the reverse, but he was texting her every night for hours and, I've now found out, they met up a few times for coffee and drinks. She lives near him. I've seen some of the texts - they are very flirty at times, there are innuendos and he told her she has an amazing smile, etc. They've also talked several times (maybe more than that but that's all he's admitted to) on the phone. This all happened over a period of a few months.

I asked him about it when I found out (was suspicious as I felt he'd gone distant towards me) and he seemed remorseful. He said he had already cut contact and showed me the email he had sent her her in which he had said he felt they were getting too close and that he needed to concentrate on his relationship with me more. He said in the email that he'd be happy to meet up occasionally with her as friends but that that mustn't affect our (mine and his) relationship. I don't know if he genuinely meant that he'd like to meet up with her or if he was just saying that to be polite to her.

I have found him to be more attentive since - that was a month ago - and he's said he didn't fancy her and it was purely friendship but that he felt flattered that she seemed so keen to spend time with him. However, I'm just worried that he's going to get in touch with her again and what might happen. He definitely has cut contact and I believe him when he says they haven't been in touch since, and that was just over a month ago so that's a good sign. But I don't know if I can trust him fully now. Also, I don't really know if he would have spent all that time texting her if he didn't fancy her. And I don't know what made him stop contact suddenly - I didn't know anything at that point - is it plausible that he did suddenly feel what they were doing was wrong as he was my partner? I had always thought I could trust him but now I feel less sure. Would you let it go and believe him when he says he knows he made a mistake and that he doesn't want to be with her?

OP posts:

Mrsmummy90 · 03/06/2019 23:44

It sounds like he did probably fancy her but the fact that he outwardly admitted everything without you having to dig and the fact that he had emailed her before you found out is a good sign I think.
Yes he's an ass but it does truly sound like he acknowledges he made a big mistake and is trying to fix it.
I would forgive but wouldn't forget just yet.

dontgobaconmyheart · 04/06/2019 02:15

it seems like he did just fancy her OP, sorry. If he has had to email her to claify they are only meeting as friends then clearly it was ambiguous up until that point what it was and why they were becoming so involved. He has also essentially informed her that she is a threat to your relationship.

It is possible yes, that he regrets it/go to know her a bit better and was put off by something and has stopped it because he has decided he doesn't want to risk losing you, but would i be able to move on from it personally? no ; He didn't mind risking losing you when he was doing it , clearly fancied her or wouldn't have been hiding it, or emailing her to 'end' it. I would find it difficult to accept that for a point in time, he was weighing up whether or not he had found a more exciting alternative to me and decided to crack on with seeing where it went by chatting to her in that way. The behaviour isn't respectful and has clearly left you feeling ( very reasonably) insecure. That is all his doing, and he was happy to do it when he did.

just because he's shown you an email really doesn't mean he has actually stopped seeing or speaking to her- you are hardly likely to find out if you are long distance and he and she live nearby. In order for things to work between you surely you need to trust him implicitly, which is more than i could do in this situation. I wonder if her version of events is the same as his!

Blondebakingmumma · 04/06/2019 03:05

Or the ‘friend’ (OW) has threatened to tell you about their relationship, so you bf is getting in first for damage control

MsDogLady · 04/06/2019 04:22

While he was ‘distant’ with you, he was:

*Texting OW for hours every night, including very flirty messages with innuendos and compliments
*Meeting up with and calling her
*Prioritizing her for months before referring to their being too close and dialing it back to friendship

It sounds like he fancied her and allowed himself to venture into Emotional Affair territory. He likely has weak boundaries and felt entitled to pursue this ego-boost/relationship, the result being the distance you felt.

Although he did admit being inappropriate and showed remorse, I would not be able to move forward with him. Not only did he abuse your trust, but he clearly left it open with her to continue meeting.

Original poster

Brandyandcoke46 · 04/06/2019 09:16

Thanks for the replies. I'm gutted - just don't know what to do. I live just outside London and he spends quite a bit of time here in the week but I have always felt able to trust him and didn't question what he was doing rest of time. We tend to WhatsApp a lot and I did notice that he'd been messaging me less. Also - they were messaging on Facebook but he had deleted all those previous messages. Before he deleted, I had seen a message asking her what she planned to do about her boyfriend and did she see a future with him. He tells me (because I stupidly blurted out that I'd seen that) that he was just asking her as a friend.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 04/06/2019 09:30

Oh dear.
This does not sound good OP.
I'd be dumping his sorry, lying, cheating arse.
WTF would he ask if she saw a future with him IF he was asking as a friend?
It's all bullshit OP.
We can all see it and you now need to take off the rose tinted glasses and smell the coffee.
You deserve far better.

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 09:47

I'd be dumping as well. He is way over invested in this 'friend'. Sounds like it's convenient to stay at yours re work but away from you his interest lies elsewhere. I'm really sorry

Windmillwhirl · 04/06/2019 09:53

*I took seeing a relationship with him as with her boyfriend, i.e. did she want to stay with him (current boyfriend) long term, marriage etc.

Either way, he's sussing out what opportunity is potentially there for him.

Original poster

Brandyandcoke46 · 04/06/2019 09:56

Yes, sorry to confuse, he asked what she planned to do about her bf and if she saw a future with her boyfriend.

OP posts:

Becathourus · 04/06/2019 13:18

Oh op I'm so sorry, your first post I could see and try and understand that your bf either a) had an emotional affair and ended it when he realised how stupid he was being or b) he was completely oblivious to how close he was to this woman until she admitted her feelings to him and he cut ties.

But reading your second response about him questioning her about her own bf, I'm afraid it sounds like he wanted to pursue her and something has happened that made him cut ties (hopefully realising you're an amazing woman and he's a tool).

I don't think I could forgive or move on, I think this has tainted your relationship and you may always be questioning what he's up too, who's this new person he's always texting, etc. You deserve better. I'm sorry

RiversDisguise · 04/06/2019 13:26

Sounds complicated, I'd bin

Original poster

Brandyandcoke46 · 04/06/2019 21:50

Thanks all for comments. I know I sound like I'm I'm denial but I love this man so want to believe it will work. I do definitely believe he hasn't had contact with her since his email. The tone of the email was quite firm - almost like he was pushing her away and I get the feeling she had got quite full on and this was his response. I half believe he honestly had a moment of realisation that he was falling into emotional affair territory.

OP posts:

Blondebakingmumma · 05/06/2019 02:03

I think the email sounds like he wasn’t happy that his ‘friend’ wasn’t prepared to leave her boyfriend. Sorry OP

MsDogLady · 05/06/2019 03:55

Brandy, he knew from the beginning that texting OW for hours every night, sending very flirty messages with sexual innuendos, and meeting up with her was disloyal and wrong. It was cheating, and it didn’t take him months to realize that. As long as it suited him, he was happy to betray and disengage from you. It could happen again when another woman catches his eye.

How can you ever trust him again?

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