ExH keeps texting me - please help

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NC for this but I've posted about my abusive exH several times.

After years of coercive control, verbal, psychological and emotional abusive via text, email, social services and the court system, I had no choice but to block him on everything and everything went via my solicitor. He doesn't have one which has never helped matters.

Last week he was threatening to take me back to court over a basic miscommunication of which I won't go into the details but I was not at fault (never am but that doesn't stop his court applications). I've been in that court 18 times with him in a handful of years and couldn't face it again so I decided to be brave and speak to him face to face at drop off to explain and talk about contact for next years holidays. He was annoyed the hadn't forwarded him the proposed dates and again threatened court. He likes court I explained the solicitor would be in touch and refused to get into it with him.

We agreed a few things and he managed to guilt me in front of the kids who'd wandered out into giving him extra contact this week. I had to agree or the kids would have been in tears and I needed to keep him on side to avoid court threats again.

Later we sorted a few adjustments via text which was all fine, no problems. But he's since asked for two extra days with the dc this week when it's my holiday with them and he's now pestering me about the solicitor and trying to get me to negotiate outside of that safety net. In less than 24 hours he's asked for 2 separate extra days and pushed me on the solicitor and dates for next year 6 times.

It's making me feel really anxious. I've got a constant sense of unease in my chest. I blocked him because of things like this and would do again except I am beyond anxious at the prospect of court again. He's been told by all involved such as the judge, cafcass, social services to stop doing this but still, every year, he takes me to court over contact and the court lets him do it as he throws in a malicious accusation of abuse each time. Contact runs smoothly except for occasional illness in which case alternative dates are offered. He's just using the system to continue his abuse of me. In our marriage he was sexually abusive and physically abusive in addition to all the psychological and emotional abuse. It took years to get divorced as he delayed it. He left for another woman so I don't understand his need to keep hurting me.

Anyway. How do I deal with this so as to protect myself from further issues with him? I have sent my solicitor screen shots of the conversation regarding changes to contact so he can't deny that. Should I just leave it with the solicitor now? Every time I get a text I get so anxious thinking what now? I want to block him but don't want to jeopardise what we've arranged so far and risk court because I'm "not cooperating."

Grey rock block doesn't help my anxiety as he just keeps texting the same things and pushing for an answer. I really can't deal with contact with him.

He's given us 6 years of hell and I wish he'd drop off the face of the earth but for the next few years I've got to have some contact due to the kids.

Anyone?

you need to go back to the safety net and only through solicitors - there is no other way

Just leave it with the solicitor.

I know it sounds hard, and I don’t mean it to, but you are allowing him to live rent free in your head. He know this, which is why he continues to threaten and abuse you.

He always follows through on his threats. I have always ignored them but he's done as he's said he would.
I have put him on do not disturb for now. I'm sure he'll be in touch in the morning to ask again why my solicitor hasn't sent him the info. I don't know why ffs. Maybe he's busy with more pressing matters than dates for next year!

Didn't want to read and run. I haven't got advice to offer, but it's illuminating to read this. The hellish circles you have to run through, and the anxiety-producing prolonged situation.
I'm sorry for this, and hope someone has a strategy to suggest. But in the meantime it sounds like best to hand all comms back to the solicitor.

Can a friend or family member not be the go between.

You need a separate phone for his texts that you only look at every other day or something.

Is your solicitor one that has expertise in such abuse? Not all solicitors are good.

You need an assertive experienced solicitor who's used to dealing with people like your ex.

How did you find your solicitor?

I'm also wondering are you having therapy for what happened? I really think you should. I'd also recommend assertiveness training, normally I'd advise simply accessing YouTube videos etc but I think you could really do with a real life class/course can you look into this?

I agree also that you need to if possible arrange handovers via another person or even push for it to happen in a contact centre. He's still a threat to you and the children and he's still abusing you AND the children, that it's verbal/emotional is JUST as valid as if it were physical.

I'll probably get flamed for this but quite honestly in your position I'd be doing a moonlit flit, move right away from this arse, change you and kids names the lot and have nothing more to do with him!

If I had the money and resources I'd be pm'ing you to help you do this!

I think it's disgustingly way too high the threshold at which abusive - usually men's - behaviour has to be before they lose access to their kids. It's NOT healthy for the children and absolutely not in their best interests.

At a less flame worthy level I'd consider doing all I could to get HIM done for all the abuse, past and present! Put the shoe on the other foot and start dragging HIM into court! See how he likes them apples!! But I appreciate this could be a risky strategy.

Have you spoken with women's aid, rights of women or ncdv?

rightsofwomen.org.uk/about-us/what-do-we-do/

www.ncdv.org.uk

I've not used them myself but I've heard/read they can be very helpful

Can you give him an email address? Which you only log into once a week? Texting is just so immediate and it invites an immediate response which creates this entitlement in him.

Stop giving him extra days, go back to minimal contact. Let him take you to court. Everyone is used to his form and will throw him out of court again. I agree that a new email address that you only check once per week will help your anxiety. He is still trying to control you x

He gained some ground when you appeased him to try and avoid upset to the children and in trying to avoid court, so you need to get your barriers back up. I absolutely agree - you need the right solicitor. You need someone recommended by Women's Aid or your local domestic abuse organisation. You need to stop communicating with him completely beyond what is required by the contact order. Stick to the contact order to the letter and you need your solicitor to challenge his persistent court shenanigans next time he goes to court again. He is doing this to make your life a living hell, as I'm sure you know. Have you done the freedom programme? Have you talked to your solicitor about a non-molestation order? You also need emotional support from someone who understands abuse. I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

He saw a crack when you gave him the extra days, so he's exploiting that. You can never give an inch with him, unfortunately.

As per pp, get a second phone, the other goes in a drawer you look at once a week with a sherry.

Court must be becoming aware that he's a vexatious litigant. Let him continue.

Make sure you're shoring up your energy and mental health by being as kind to yourself as you can, and get counselling and support for your anxiety and with the continuing harassment. You can still contact domestic abuse charities for support.

Speak to your solicitor and ask if they will get you a section 91 barring order. These are used in family court to bar people from raising further cases when their behaviour is not about the best interest of dc.

Given he's already been warned about this by the courts, you seem to have a strong case for getting one.

Give him an inch and he will take a mile, appeasement is what he’s after. Go back to minimal contact.

My sister explained the abusive ex like a stray dog you once fed. If it then hangs around your house for 30 days, and then you give it some meat, it learns that if it hangs around for 30 days, it will get some meat.

Whenever you break contact, you feed him. Go No Contact again (you can have an email account for child issues, but I would strongly suggest one that can be monitored by professionals e.g. OurFamilyWizard).

You have learned a valuable lesson here, so don't beat yourself up about it.

Since he is using the court to abuse you, you may consider getting a One Mom's Battle package sent to the court. It is sent anonymously, so it wouldn't be connected to you in any way.

onemomsbattle.com/educate-your-judge/

Thanks for the replies.

There's no one to be a third party. He was abusive to my mum via text on many occasions so he is blocked on her phone. There's no one else and I wouldn't want to put them in that position.

I would love to just up an leave @Graphista I really would but I refuse to let him run me out of the town I love and where our family are settled and happy with schools etc.

My solicitor is one of the few locally that deals with legal aid and I have legal aid for anything to do with the children and contact. The solicitor is a wet lettuce and just sits there quite quiet in court. I got shafted in the divorce as the judge was a total bastard and let the ex get away with having thousands hidden away. I didn't even get any of his pension. There was no arguing with that judge though and they were very rude to my solicitor in court.

I have requested a section 91 before and it's been discussed. The contact order says no more applications to vary contact unless approved by the court. Ex gets around this by applying to enforce the order and then the judge will make us sort out contact dates for the whole year. What should take half an hour to just dismiss takes a whole day of negotiating dates at court. He really gets off on court and the judges facilitate it. I'd be tempted not to turn up next time and write to the judge to tell him in advance exactly why. I will ask again for a section 91 to be applied for.

I reported ALL the abuse. A decade of it. I gave a video statement and they said he hadn't committed any crime even though he'd admitted sexually abusing me in my sleep and there was scores of evidence on coercive control. The detective didn't really think coercive control was an issue and just said nothing he'd done was a crime. They said women's aid had put ideas in my head

SS are aware of everything and nothing meets their threshold to be involved. I've reported everything and they don't follow it up. They think I'm just trying to get at him via them.

I had a non-mol for 12 months in the form of an undertaking as he'd finally done something physical so my then solicitor applied.

I've had counselling and am generally ok. It's just this unwanted contact that's set off anxiety.

He doesn't have my email address and I don't want a separate one for him. Nor do I want the expense of a second phone.

I'll be emailing my solicitor again this morning to ask about things. He's a bit useless but was great to start with. We were applying back to court to vary the order as ex is rarely there when the children go. I'm missing out on time with them and they aren't even with him. It makes me really angry and the kids hate it. His gf is horrible. My eldest is scared of her. His response: everyone's scared of her

I always ask at what point the kids get a choice in all this but I'm always told there's no set answer. They are 11 and 13 so I'm hoping that soon they will get a say.

At drop off/pick up lately he's been looking wistfully at the house. He looks sad and lost and grey with sunken eyes. He's hanging around a bit unnecessarily looking like a lost puppy and being quite nice. It's not his normal MO at all. I usually just open the door and let them in and don't even come into view. I'll be going back to that now the holidays are over and there's no more middle of the day drop offs or pick ups.

I feel better this morning, thank you.

Jesus you poor thing, what a controlling manipulative arsehole. Can you get a stalking:harassment barring order?

Sorry just read your updates but could the kids apply for an independent children's lawyer to represent their needs? (Not sure if it's a think in the UK bit you can do it in Australia) then the court would have to take into consideration their opinions? If they're scared of the GF surely that's a safety issue right? We had to take the kids to a court appointed psychologist who agreed to our relocation away from our abuser.

Ps it sounds like you've been to hell and back. I hate the way the system facilitated this kind of abuse against you.

Have you thought of getting another solicitor from a different town?

Surely any inconvenience would be outweighed by having a more robust defence to your Ex’s manipulations ?

Ditto the “ expense “ of a new cheap basic phone and a PAYG card for a tenner.

As PP have said, you CANT “ keep him onside “ by giving hin what he wants . He doesn’t WANT the children for extra days - what he wants is to punish you for your disobedience. The children are just his weapon of choice.

And stop letting him in the house or chatting to him at handover, your children are 11 and 13 they can walk from the car to the front door without an escort.

We happened to be outside last time but wouldn't normally be as I usually just hide behind the door. I will be returning to that method!

I will see about changing solicitors. My original one was several counties away and this did not help matters. They were just appointed as legal aid solicitors. It took forever for them to forward my files to my new solicitor. Like over a year. I'll see if women's aid can suggest anyone else.

The kids had a court appointed solicitor a few years back who was crap. They had a guardian too who was beyond crap. He didn't even ask them relevant questions ffs. The kids hated him. They just told him what they thought they should say so as not to upset daddy. They are always anxious about upsetting him. All the professionals choose to see is a broken down parenting relationship that is affecting the kids. They refuse to take the domestic abuse into account. They don't see it as relevant. He ended up with more contact not less even though the reason for court was the kids refusing to go. As I said, I've had 6 years of this. It seems all I can do is wait for them to be old enough to vote with their feet.

He is NOT allowed in the house. Ever. He stays at the end of the drive.

I rang women's aid today and they gave me the number of a lawyer group they recommend but when I phoned they couldn't help as they don't take on existing legal aid cases. They have suggested alternatives though so I'll contact them tomorrow.
No texts about contact today so I'm relieved although there was a random one asking something about school. He's never bothered before about school (only goes to parents evening with his gf to check attendance and progress and use it against me if possible) and his gf has the info via the app on her phone so he didn't need to text me. I ignored it and have ignored his last 5 texts so I'm feeling much stronger now. He will probably start pestering the solicitor now demanding immediate responses about next year. I'll let the solicitor deal with him.

Thank you all for being so kind, you made me cry

"I would love to just up an leave @Graphista I really would but I refuse to let him run me out of the town I love and where our family are settled and happy with schools etc." Totally understand and appreciate must be tempting though

Sorry we made you cry.

Definitely pursue getting a better solicitor.

Ncdv seem to be better on this than women's aid.

My first solicitor was bloody useless, not a similar situation just ex dragging his heels and solicitor not being proactive, I switched to another who was far more proactive and assertive no nonsense type. After 3 years of ex dragging heels divorce was sorted within 8 months!

Admittedly another factor was I discovered he was telling OW that it was ME dragging heels (he was avoiding marrying her) so I gave her copies of ALL the letters between BOTH our solicitors (I had nothing to hide) - my solicitor chasing, his solicitors (he went through about 5 I think!) saying they HAVE reminded/chased him nothing more they can do.

OW went absolutely apeshit at him! 😂😂

You could do a name change and post in legal asking for assertive, pro-active legal aid solicitors in your area?

Can you get a non-mol OP? It probably won’t stop the vexatious court applications but he’s clearly trying to intimidate you. He knows full well he can go through you solicitor but he’s choosing not to do that, so there’s clearly intent to harass on his part.

Unfortunately the law is very useful to men who like to plague their ex’s with nuisance court cases. It’s also very useful for men who like to control their ex’s by refusing to engage in financial preceedings as well but that a different story.

Have a read of this. It might be no help whatsoever but it’s worth a look.

www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/injunctions