I feel like no one understands.

[Asta19]

So.... I had a bad marriage break up in the summer of 2016. My ex shattered my heart and it broke into a million pieces. I survived it, just.
2017 I start dating again, got used for sex a couple of times, I thought they were interested but after sex they ghosted me. Struggling but still managed to hold on.
Mid 2017 I get raped. After 18 long months police realise they’ve screwed up the investigation and my rapist walks free. By this time it is early 2019. I am done.

So now I say to my friends, that’s it for me. I’m done with trying. I can’t risk any of the above scenarios happening to me again. They think ok all good she’s fine now. But I really am not. I’m broken, totally. But, the only way I can describe it is like being an alcoholic. I know I can’t ever risk taking a single step with a guy again but it doesn’t mean I don’t miss it. It doesn’t mean that I am happy to have resigned myself to singledom forever. I can cope for now, I have other things going on that make me feel ok in this moment. But if I think about the rest of my life being alone it depresses the shit out of me. How do you cope when such a vital part of being human, love and companionship, is cut off to you because you just can’t take that risk? The only people I know either want or have a relationship or are fully happy with being single. I don’t know anyone like me who wants and doesn’t want a relationship in equal measure. I don’t know how to sort this all out in my head and find some peace.

I'm sorry you've gone through that.

Have you accessed counselling/support for what's happened?

Oh Asta I am so sorry for all you have gone through.

Have you had any counciling? It’s going to take a lot of time for you to find the new you after all that.

I know people do get raped and manage to find someone but time and baby steps.

As you needed you know people that want relationships so if you ever do want it slightly more than you don’t you know it’s possible not all guys will use you for sex.

But it’s all about rebuilding yourself into who ever you are now these things can’t happen with out forever changing you.

I have no doubt you are very much not ok... but do what you are take each day as it comes ... and I do hope you find what you need in life x x

No I haven’t. I thought I could get through it without it but maybe that’s what I need to do because at the moment I’m just not coping.

I think it'd be a good idea to talk to a counsellor. You're not alone and you don't have to cope with it alone.

Rape Crisis could be helpful or there may be other services local to you, possibly look for a support group?

Gosh, I could almost have written this - though I never pursued my rapists in court. To be honest, having seen how rape victims are treated, I’m glad I didn’t. I’m so sorry for the way you feel. It’s horrible to go through life craving companionship yet simultaneously terrified of being vulnerable (and for good reason)

Sonata, I hate to say it but reporting my rapist was a horrible experience that ultimately left me feeling worse. I think it delayed my recovery and now I need to not only recover from the rape, but also from the way the police handled it and let me down. I got a written apology from the police and the detective got a written warning, but it’s meaningless. So now I am left feeling I would never report again.

I’d actually had a few glasses of wine when I wrote this last night, I know drinking doesn’t make me feel better as evidenced by my post! But some nights (too many) I need it to knock me out and get some sleep. I don’t think generic counselling would be helpful. Being alone with a counsellor and just talking while they make sympathetic noises isn’t going to change anything. But a support group might help. I’ll look into it today.

I'm sorry the system let you down so badly. It's a brave thing reporting and going down that road.

OP I have been in a very similar position.

I would out the whole relationship issue out of your head. I mean completely. Dont think about having a relationship and dont think about never having one again. Thinking about never one again, is causing you more upset. If you always feel like that it's ok. But its hard to say what will happen or how you will feel forever. So don't worry about it for it now.

Concentrate on making yourself mentally well again, regardless of your relationship future. I am not saying you should have a relationship in future. Just that now, it's not something to worry about, right now.

I too found counselling, unhelpful. Someone telling me I am worth more and being sympathetic. Didnt help, groups did. We are all different. Different things help.

Good luck.

Op, I’m so so sorry you’ve been through all this
How much help are you getting? You professional support, have you been assessed for PTSD?

Sending you so much strength x

How you feel now won't last. For good or I'll, your feelings and attitudes will change with time.

So, good advice above. Give counselling or group support a go. Focus on all the other parts of your life that are not about partners and build up your life in other ways.

There will probably be a time when you might want to reconsider, but at the moment your decision is right for you.

So I've sent an email to my local Rape Crisis to find out about the groups they run. Apparently they do have some so the email is just to find out where/when. So thank you. You've all spurred me on to do something about this.