Advice needed

[a1983taylor]

Ok so I have been married for 6 years and together with my wife for about 10 years before that. We met quite young and are both the only real partner each other have known. We’re now in our mid-30s and have one amazing little girl aged 30 months. We have had our ups and downs over the years but have largely been happy. We both valued our independence and lead quite separate lives before having our daughter.

I in particular have changed quite a lot over last few years. My wife also has some issues she’s never really addressed that have caused us a lot of problems over the years. The birth was tough for my wife and she was probably depressed for the most part of the first year. Gradually we have drifted apart. In honesty, it probably began before we had our child but now I find myself with nothing to talk to her about and generally just keep myself busy working long hours and doing housework etc.

Here’s where I become a bastard, which I know I am, but I would urge everyone to be wary of judging because I never thought I was capable of doing what I have done and always thought I was a good person.
So around 4 years ago, I met a girl from work who I always found attractive and was intrigued to get to know, but never really got close. Last year, I found myself working longer hours and she was always around, so got closer to her, and found myself liking her more and more. Being honest, I have a lot more in common with her than my wife. It’s not that I don’t like my wife, but I don’t really love her any more. My wife is perfect in most people’s eyes and she is a lovely person but we just don’t share the same ambitions or desires in life. It’s not really a physical thing, I have always found my wife attractive.
Anyway, we found ourselves chatting about how we felt about each other. One thing lead to another, and over a period of about 6 months of agonising and trying not to act on it, my willpower whittled down to nothing and we have become lovers. We have tried not to speak and did so for about a month, but always end up coming back to each other. I just can’t resist her, yes, physically, but I just love her company and chatting to her. I love her attitude to life and I learn a lot from her.
I’m expecting lots of judgemental replies here and I obviously don’t come off well. I’m not looking to make excuses, I just want some help as I can’t carry on the way I am and can’t see any way out of my current predicament. There are lots of details missing here that I could put forward from my perspective but I’m looking to make excuses. There are two sides to every story but I want to keep it relatively concise.

I am worried I will lose access to my daughter, and the impact on my family. I also don’t want to hurt my wife (too late, I know, but I think this would destroy her world obviously). We also have an expensive mortgage that I probably could afford on my own but I wouldn’t really want to, and my wife couldn’t afford.

Anyone been through similar and can offer anything other than condemnation? I wish for anything that I could find a way to be happy with my wife and just live a family life but I just can’t see it, and I don’t want to sell myself and her short for the rest of our lives. Equally, I don’t want to give up too early. I am also wary of the impact on our daughter – either way – watching her parents live a lie, or having her world torn apart.

What do you want? What’s stopping you leaving to be with the other woman? Your feelings for your wife are unlikely to change and it sounds like you have real feelings for the other woman. Literally nobody benefits from you remaining with your wife at this point, you’re unhappy, your wife is being lied to and disrespected (I doubt she’d even want you if she knew the truth), the other woman is reduced to a bit on the side and your child would be happier with two happy separate parents than one miserable unit.

But what’s stopping you from the obvious solution?

You need to end your marriage. End of story. It will be hard, but it's the only way forward. I would hope the two of you can split as amicably as possible, but you have massively betrayed your wife and you will have to face the consequences of your actions.

It sounds obvious but I don't even know how to begin to explain it to her. She really doesn't deserve it, we have just ignored our problems for so long that I have done something terrible. The main thing stopping me is not knowing how to do it whilst minimising the damage. Do I tell her the truth?

I think you owe her the truth. Don't you? I should hope you respect her enough to give her that. BTW, don't be surprised the other woman suddenly loses interest in you. You have a long road ahead but you need to deal with this immediately.

Yes, tell her the truth.

You can’t undo what you’ve done, and not telling her won’t undo it either. You can only move forwards and own your decisions like an adult.

She will likely find out at some point so it’s better to tell her now so that you can stop the dishonesty. If it’s the truth, you may want to tell her that although you’ve met someone that’s not why you’re leaving, you want to split because you’re not happy and that wouldn’t have changed without the affair. And that whatever happens with the other woman you believe that breaking up is the right thing to do.

She’ll be furious, betrayed, hurt, upset. It’ll probably be one of the most traumatising shocking things she’s ever experienced, and you’ll need to understand she will need a lot of time to get her head around it, you’ve already have all of that time.

But like I say, you can’t go backwards. Not telling her won’t erase that you’ve done it. The time to worry about this was before you cheated, now it’s too late. Give her the respect finally of telling her the truth and that you are separating and take it day by day from there.

You need to divorce, and I don't think anyone will tell you any differently.

Accept that you have betrayed her, suffer through whatever reaction she has - knowing that she is suffering far more than you. Be reasonable, or maybe even generous in the divorce settlement.

Character is what you do, not what you think or believe. You seem to believe you are a good man. Your actions so far do not bear this out, but you can change that.