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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Short relationship ended, struggling to move on.

3 replies

Babs200 · 03/06/2019 14:10

Long story short, I'd been single for nearly 5 years. My ex wanted a separation when I was pregnant with DD. We also have a DS who was 2 1/2 at the time. It was a complete shock for me and I clung onto hope of it working out for a few years. As it turned out my ex was having an affair with a married woman which I had always suspected but was constantly dismissed and told I was being paranoid and jealous (I know...). I found the truth out end of 2016.

So I've been broken by it, lots of depression and anxiety. I started dating last January sporadically over the year. Ended up having a few ONS which have made me feel guilty and used. I only did it because I was desperate for love and affection. Basically going back to my needy behaviour before I met my exh.

I met this guy last Dec and it was different but also so intense. I kept him at a distance because of fear of being rejected and hurt. I told him I had to be careful about my feelings and explained my past. But he was insistent I could trust him so I let go and allowed myself to fall in love. And for a period it was wonderful! But also brought on the most debilitating anxiety. I just kept doubting him and his intentions. I mean we fell in love pretty quickly and he was discussing the future etc. My instinct was telling me something was wrong hence my anxiety so I asked for space. He took it as rejection and he broke up with me not long after saying the 'magic' had gone. Whatever that means. I think there wasn't room for me in his life and he is still coming to terms with the end of his marriage still.

It wasn't the right time for us but I miss him so much and I feel so hurt by him. I've been so, so bloody lonely and I'm back to loneliness again. Which is a crap place to be in, this weekend gone was so hard I had to drink to get through it.

I just want a real meaningful connection with someone and I thought I had found that with him.

OP posts:
Predestined00 · 03/06/2019 20:37

This is very much like a situation I found myself in three years ago. It's shit!

I had terribly low confidence from a horrible abusive relationship I had been in and awful anxiety etc

Met a guy,fell madly in love and it was reciprocated too. He promised me the world, marriage, living together... Everything I thought would bring me happiness and stability.
However after about 7 months he changed. I blamed myself,he was the love of my life. I was pretty vulnerable so couldn't see it/him for what he was. He wasn't abusive or nasty just impulsive and immature (and he then cheated on me). Because I was so desperate to make it work I found it incredibly difficult to get over him....but it wasn't him it was what he offered me.

On reflection he wasn't the love of my life, he felt those things in the present and got caught in the whirlwind but ultimately he was Immature and did what suited him. I suspect this guy is the same. If it was true love he firstly wouldn't be saying the magic has gone and wouldn't be putting the blame on you.

You say you're lonely and that's horrible BUT please don't think this guy will make you happy because he won't.
I cried and cried over this guy, thought he was my soul mate...
Now I cringe. I wasn't well at the time and if it'd be now I wouldn't have wasted my time investing so much in him.

I grieved and that's ok but I took time out of dating until I felt happy in myself.
You can do it! Baby steps at first. My advice is to steer clear of men until you're completely stable if a relationship doesn't work out.
Good luck! X

Babs200 · 03/06/2019 21:13

Yeah it is shit! This guy promised me everything and I haven't felt wanted in so long. But he was emotionally immature and impulsive. It was all a bit messy as he had a single mum friend he'd spend a lot of time with outside of us. His ex didn't want me to meet his ds which is fair enough, so he'd spend his free time with his ds with this other single mum and her dc (she's a mutual friend of him and his ex). I really struggled with it but kept my mouth shut and never got in the way. But it was hard because I spend so much time on my own with dcs. Apparently this friend of his has feelings for him - which he told me after we split up 😕. So he may well have ended up cheating on me.

It's just messed me up massively. Why play with someone when you know how emotionally vulnerable they are?? It's so insensitive.

Yes, I'm staying away from men and dating for a while.

OP posts:
Predestined00 · 03/06/2019 21:58

Oh gosh. I absolutely empathise and feel the pain just reading your repsonse. I have been where you are and it's shitty.
Your ex sounds so much like mine! So he said I was the love of his life and I really thought we we would be together forever....however I wasn't well so couldn't see all the problems. I think you're vulnerable and fragile and need to get well. He took advantage of you.
My ex had this girl he'd met 7 years ago and always thought she was the one.... Found this out as we were breaking up. He told me they'd been meeting up and it nearly destroyed me.
I was so so so low. I struggle with my mental health and wouldn't ever lead someone on but some people do especially if you've got stuff going for you and my ex was punching ;)

Take it slowly and don't beat yourself up if you cry or have a rough day. Slowly this will lessen and the hurt will go I promise you.
Plan one nice activity a day just a simple walk, or make some nice food etc and love yourself. Definitely talk to friends or a therapist, that always helps. I also wrote my ex letter , put it in an envelope and didn't send it but I promised myself I'd read it once I felt I was free of him. About 18 months later I read it and it made me laugh.. All very dramatic at the time but saw the funny side months later.

Over time I promise it'll get better.

I took 2 years out of dating, in that time I started to get well and not rely on men or dating or empty promises. I started to stand on my own two feet and it was bloody hard to break the cycle.
All this time I still missed my ex but over time I missed him less and realised he was a nob.

I got well again and tentatively dated....some awful dates :) but I knew what I wanted and had boundaries.
I've now met a man not a boy. I am so happy and see what a healthy relationship should be. He's my rock and my ex doesn't even come close to what we have

Good luck xx

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