Long story short, I'd been single for nearly 5 years. My ex wanted a separation when I was pregnant with DD. We also have a DS who was 2 1/2 at the time. It was a complete shock for me and I clung onto hope of it working out for a few years. As it turned out my ex was having an affair with a married woman which I had always suspected but was constantly dismissed and told I was being paranoid and jealous (I know...). I found the truth out end of 2016.
So I've been broken by it, lots of depression and anxiety. I started dating last January sporadically over the year. Ended up having a few ONS which have made me feel guilty and used. I only did it because I was desperate for love and affection. Basically going back to my needy behaviour before I met my exh.
I met this guy last Dec and it was different but also so intense. I kept him at a distance because of fear of being rejected and hurt. I told him I had to be careful about my feelings and explained my past. But he was insistent I could trust him so I let go and allowed myself to fall in love. And for a period it was wonderful! But also brought on the most debilitating anxiety. I just kept doubting him and his intentions. I mean we fell in love pretty quickly and he was discussing the future etc. My instinct was telling me something was wrong hence my anxiety so I asked for space. He took it as rejection and he broke up with me not long after saying the 'magic' had gone. Whatever that means. I think there wasn't room for me in his life and he is still coming to terms with the end of his marriage still.
It wasn't the right time for us but I miss him so much and I feel so hurt by him. I've been so, so bloody lonely and I'm back to loneliness again. Which is a crap place to be in, this weekend gone was so hard I had to drink to get through it.
I just want a real meaningful connection with someone and I thought I had found that with him.