NC. I've been sick longer then dp and I have been together. A neurological condition that causes pain, exhaustion and physical disability. But the last 8 months I've gotten a lot worse. It's made me realise how disfunctonal our relationship is. It crept up on me and until I was forced to stop by illness, I didn't realise how much Ive been doing to manage things to keep dp calm. That probably sounds worse then it is. He's not violent, mostly just snappy and mean and exhausting to deal with. There have been a couple of times this year when his anger was scary, still not physical just an agressive voice. But he makes me anxious now, he blows up randomly over the littlest things. He snaps and is moody at us all and gets angry at DC for things that are his fault or things that are just part of life like the fact it takes a while to get DC out of the house, especially when their dad is only organising himself. He has no patience. He tells the DC to shut up and shushes them for normal kid noise. The youngest isn't even 2. I've done the nights and early mornings alone for years because he's so horrible when he's tired. I'm exhausted and I have nothing left.
I did look at government benefits as a single parent, but it just made me realise I can't afford to move out. Rent would be 90% of income. We're not in the UK. He hasn't been violent and our house is in joint names so there's no way to get him to leave. And shared custody 50/50 is very common here. The idea of separating under one roof while we divorce and sell makes me feel sick with anxiety. The idea of him coping with the kids 7 days a fortnight on his own makes me feel sick with anxiety for the kids. I'm trying to take some little steps so everything feels less overwhelming, but I just feel paralysed by grief and fear.
There are no good options, not even a bad option that might improve further down the track. I can't see staying working long term. But the only other option is my kids will have a precarious financial future with a sick mom who can't work, might never be able to. I don't know how to move past this? How to find the strength to leave when I'm so sick? Even if I should? He's nice and normal most of the time.