Fallout with friend over a man

[londonladyloves]

Please help me settle this . A friend and I have fallen out . We are friends since childhood . I am
Married with children, she is in a' relationship' . I have watched her over the years go from one terrible relationship to another . She finally ended a ten year relationship
With an absolute prick who was neglectful, useless , abusive etc .

She went straight into a new relationship for want of a better word . This time though, it's different . This time the man is so disinterested in marking anything serious if the relationship but she hangs on his every word which is rarely fillers on by action .
She is sat at home this weekend having seen him on Friday for a few hours . He is sat at home this weekend also , down the road . She is dying to be with him . She has no plans with anyone except a coffee etc with me. He is busy with a social life that doesn't involve her . He tells her he loves his freedom and needs plenty of alone time .alone time with his mates it seems to me .

I am so frustrated for her . He calls all the shots . I know it's not my business but it's hard to watch her excuse him and hang onto his every word . He is a nice man, charming and very nice to her when they are together but in reality, sees her only when it suits him or when he needs somebody on his arm for an awards night or some such thing .. this is going on for well over a year now .

She is mad at me for being so truthful with her . Thinks I'm not happy for her . Thinks I'm away from the scene too long to know what I'm talking about .

But some things don't change do they?? Showing interest and wanting to be with somebody instead of saying they do.

It's not the guys fault, sounds like he's been upfront and honest about the relationship.
You might think you've been truthful but you've hurt her.

She sounds incredibly needy and all your words will be wasted on her.

Think you’ve done your bit, just be there for her, when he inevitably bins her off

This is not his fault, he has told her the type of relationship he wants -
He tells her he loves his freedom and needs plenty of alone time .alone time with his mates it seems to me.

The fact SHE is choosing to sit at home waiting for him to contact her is HER doing not his.

Of course she unhappy you have pointed out that she not getting what she wants from the man, she knows it. But it's either because SHE thinks she can change him to be what she wants him to be. Or she has deliberately chosen someone who is emotionally unavailable to her so she can continue to act like a victim.

You can’t expect him to spend all his time with her when they are in a new relationship. At least he is treating her well when he does see her .

She needs to get some hobbies of her own and takes things slowly with this new guy. She doesn’t need to rush into another full on relationship and she should also try to enjoy her free and single time . She should have the confidence of being alone and enjoying her time being alone with nothing in society telling her that she HAS to be in a successful relationship to be happy , because she doesn’t . That’s why she might seem needy . She doesn’t need to be .

I have a friend exactly like this. Me and our other corned are done with the relationship drama.
You can't blame the man here. Just like we've realised. He's been upfront. He's found a relationship that suits his needs. Just like everyone should. The fact she continuously chooses to put herself in these situations is all on her.

She really needs to get a life and i do not blame you. She'll never change though, so I'd leave her to it.

She needs therapy. I feel for her. She can't be happy living like this. You were honest because you are a friend.

I'd suggest a book called 'Women who love too much'. She needs it.

She does not want to know! They're together over a year. He goes awa in his holidays with his mates, hardly contacts her and practically ghosts her for the holidays and she still excises him . It's draining . I'm sad to see her being walked all over again. She has never had anything like good modelling from her parents. She has been handed crumbs all her life and taken them.
We've tried to get her to get her own life but she is pining her hopes on this man. It's frustrating watching her sit in her flat on her own, night after night, , waiting on messages to come through. Meanwhile he is living it up or else relaxing down the road. Surly after such a long time together , there would be more commitment or something solid? Maybe I'm out of the game too long. I don't know

You've told her what you see. She's not listening, you can't make her listen.

Maybe he'll dump her and move on.
Maybe he'll fall gradually into a relationship with her in which she continues to accept scraps.

Either way, once you've expressed concern etc on her behalf and tried to speak to her, you can do no more. Point out you have no reason not to be pleased for her, you want to see her happy, you don't think the relationship is fair on her etc.

Aside from that, you can do nothing. Dont waste your time. All you can do is try to involve her in as many things as possible.

Thanks. Yes I involvebher very
Much on our lives but i do feel very sorry for her. From one type of neglect to another. Although you are right.. he was honest from
The get go . I hate to see her hanging around for the call to do whatever he wants them to do . She is a doll . It's her self esteem and self worth that needs dealing with. I hate hurting her.

She seems To be jealous and paranoid of every man and woman in his friends groups too which doesn't help , even though it sounds completely innocent . She does need therapy I think. I'm not sure how I can help her anymore. It's draining too

You can't. She's a grown woman there is nothing to fix. If she wants to change her behaviour then that has to be led by here.