I went NC and it really hurts.. (poss triggering)

[TinOfSpam]

I went NC with my dm over 10yrs ago now. There was no great explosion that lead to it, I wanted to protect my dc & have a 'valid' life myself. (That last comment comes from having my experiences/opinions devalued often). From very young I remember thinking 'I'm not caring for you when you're old because you never cared for me'. Now I'm in that place. My dm is quite old & I believe doesn't have too many more years to live. I heard on the grapevine that she'd had cancer that she didn't expect to survive - but did - for the time being.

She was a bit of a cow my dm. Narcissistic. She told me many of my beliefs were incorrect - such as being happy at work. She told me 'It's not like that in the real world'. But it was in my real world. She walked out when I was a young child & I was horrifically abused by my df in her absence. She behaved disgracefully when I got married - was 'beside herself' with agony that she was 'losing' me again, having lost me the first time... The truth is, she was devastated to find herself pregnant with me at 20 & she didn't bond. She tried to kill herself when I was 3.

The first 8 or so years of NC passed without me even giving her a thought, she never crossed my mind. These last few years I've been immersed in therapy as I'm now taking my df to court & now I understand my life so much better I find myself yearning to reach out to her. Everyone tells me it'd be a massive, massive mistake to contact her again. She wrote to me several times over the years & I kept the letters but never replied. She knows the court case is looming. Would it be a mistake to contact her now? (the police are ok with this)

Her life was hard, and you suffered because of it.

If your child had to go through what your mother had, would you make allowances for them, and try to understand?

Were there people there to help your mother (Pregnant at 20, suicidal at 23 - she clearly was suffering).

People are not perfect, they can't always do the right thing.

Do whatever brings you peace.

Do not contact her.

Nothing good will come of doing so, there is no reason to do so and if you open that Pandoras box it will be damn nigh on impossible for you to shut it again.

It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist. She may well be old now but she is still a narcissist and has not changed an iota since your own childhood. She could well live for another 10 or 20 years yet, who knows. She still treated you abusively as a child.

Good luck with your court case.

Actual narcissism, as diagnosed medically, is pretty rare.

People not acting in the common good is a different thing, and often indicative of their own struggles.

'Narc', as used here, is more often than not just the another MN chiche.

I disagree with Unshriven who seems to be minimising the effect of your mother's abandonment, which is what it was. She abandoned you as a young girl to a dangerous man. She may well have been damaged herself, but she was not a parent to you and doesn't sound like she will ever be the parent you want / need her to be.

You are about to go through a terrifying ordeal in court and naturally you are seeking balance in your life by finding a good parent. That good parent is you and also your DH. The love you are looking for is in your own family that you have made since you found the strength to move on. Love yourself, accept love from your partner and be unconditionally loved by your children. You have made the better life beyond the pair of villains who should have been your care givers. I wish you the best of luck and strength in court and I wish you peace and love within your own beautiful family unit. You deserve it

I think if you are going to contact her, get through the court process with your df first. It's too much to take on both things at once.

Quite clearly your DM was damaged, but that doesn't excuse her abandonment of you when you were a child. She left you at the mercy of that monster. So understandably you can't forgive her now.

Sometimes there's too much water under the bridge. You were right to go NC to build a new life for yourself, and you say yourself that you've done much better without her in your life. Now, at the time you're taking your F to court, isn't the time to put yourself through the stress of allowing her back in your life.

I also suffered SA at my F's hands, along with my DSis; he's been dead for 21 years so there's no possibility of taking him to court, though there were other abusers and the police arrested one of them; there wasn't enough evidence for the CPS to prosecute.

My DM let us down in that she failed to protect us; she didn't know what was going on, as she was a workaholic who took her eye off the ball. Now we can't rely on her, because any mention of the past and she bursts into tears. Tbf, she is nearly 80 and we only told her what happened 5 years ago, having repressed the memories for many years; I had traumatic images which I couldn't understand.

I'm low contact with my DM as I can only cope with her from a distance. She has a relationship with my DDs so that's the reason why she's still in my life.

Your situation is entirely different and you need to focus on yourself and your own family. You have enough to cope with without trying to rebuild a relationship with your mum, who wasn't there for when you were a child, so you owe her nothing now.