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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this the start of something bad?

17 replies

IsThisTheStartOfSomething · 02/06/2019 23:34

I've been thinking about this all weekend and would like some views. Please be gentle with me if you think this is bad or if you think I am being oversensitive.

Yesterday morning I was in bed with my DP. I was tired and hungover and trying to figure out how to get somewhere. My DP said something about where we needed to go which didn't make sense to me and I was trying to figure out what he meant. I was a bit confused due to having just woken up and being a bit jaded after a late night. I was trying to trace the journey in my head to figure out what he meant. He leaned over me (I was lying down) and was "teasing" me about it. I can't remember what he said but it was basically that I was wrong and didn't know what I was talking about. Then I figured out what he meant, he was actually wrong in what he was saying and so I teased him back, jokingly told him not to be such a smartarse as a way of kind of acknowledging his behaviour.

After this all was fine, and we got to the place in the end, in the way I said we would. But I can't get out of my head the way he leaned over me. His words were teasing but his tone wasn't and most importantly, his facial expression was contorted and not friendly. That's the bit that is really bothering me.

Is this the start of something bad? I can't help but feel uneasy about it. Am I overreacting?

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:39

No if his physical behaviour/position and facial expression made you very uneasy/frightened; then you're not over reacting at all.

Trust your instincts, is what I always think

How long have you been together?
Is this the first time he's ever made you feel uneasy?

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/06/2019 23:42

I think your instincts are telling you loud and clear that how he behaved was ‘off’ and oppressive and possibly a foreshadowing of things to come.

How long have you been together?

Chocmallows · 02/06/2019 23:47

I would try a relaxed chat "You know the other day we talked about directions. Well I didn't feel relaxed when you leant right over me"...if he says "oh sorry, I didn't want you to feel bad" or similar it could have just been him being tired too and one-off, but if he thinks it was ok that says a lot!

Original poster

IsThisTheStartOfSomething · 02/06/2019 23:53

We've been together 8 months. It's definitely the first time he's made me feel uneasy. I've been looking for red flags since we've been together, self-preservation after a horrible divorce and he's been great. Honestly. But there is something deep down that doesn't actually surprise me about this incident and I don't know if it's my own baggage or about him.

OP posts:

Moralitym1n1 · 02/06/2019 23:56

But there is something deep down that doesn't actually surprise me about this incident and I don't know if it's my own baggage or about him.

I'd say instincts.

Have you ever considered doing a Clare's law check on him (if I've got the right law) - doesn't mean there's definitely never been anything if he's clear but might be worth it.

baubled · 03/06/2019 00:13

I would keep it in mind and see how he is next time he's "teasing". If you feel the same, try and address it there and then to see what his reaction is in the moment, I might give you a clear indicator either way.

PicsInRed · 03/06/2019 00:14

I second instincts.
You've been looking hard for obvious red flags in this guy because something about him scares you - but you discount this because he's been "great". This was a test, a deliberate first lowering of the mask to gauge your reaction. His mask will go back up for now whilst he devises another test and continues to groom you/break you in.

Just bin him.

Purpleneonpinkunicorns · 03/06/2019 00:19

I second trust your instincts..there there for a reason.

tinyvulture · 03/06/2019 00:30

Well, just going against the grain here, and i’m not trying to minimise your experience - I’ve experienced abusive relationships myself in my the past - but nothing you describe in your boyfriend’s conduct in this incident sounds that bad! Feel free to ignore me if in fact, in reality, it was fucking unbearable......

Original poster

IsThisTheStartOfSomething · 03/06/2019 00:43

This was a test, a deliberate first lowering of the mask to gauge your reaction.
This is exactly what I am worried about.

OP posts:

Original poster

IsThisTheStartOfSomething · 03/06/2019 00:51

I would try a relaxed chat "You know the other day we talked about directions. Well I didn't feel relaxed when you leant right over me"...

Yes, this is what I had planned to do today but I've put off seeing him as I need to get my head around his response as I need to get prepared for us to split up if his response isn't what I want to hear

OP posts:

TinselAndKnickers · 03/06/2019 00:59

looking for red flags since we've been together, self-preservation

Exactly that. You're right to be cautious - I hope your chat goes well but bare in mind abusive/nasty people know exactly how to manipulate so still be wary going forward

Cruelstepmother · 03/06/2019 01:24

@PicsInRed can you honestly say you have been sweetness and light personified for the last 8 months without ever showing irritation when someone suggested you might be wrong? Dump him for looking grouchy for the first time in 8 months???? Seriously?

If you were tired and hungover, maybe he was, too. Hardly grounds for splitting up. I'd let it go, personally.

PicsInRed · 03/06/2019 07:39

He leaned over me (I was lying down) and was "teasing" me about it ... His words were teasing but his tone wasn't and most importantly, his facial expression was contorted and not friendly.

Cruelstepmother, how is the above anything but threatening?

ShatnersWig · 03/06/2019 08:06

So OP was by her own admission tired having just woken up, hungover, jaded and confused and couldn't as a result make sense of what her bloke was saying but is totally 100% sure about the her bloke's tone and expression.

Sorry, but on the charge of him being an out and out bastard and she should bin him immediately, I'd have to acquit him. There is certainly grounds for reasonable doubt.

He may well be a total arsehole but if so, this is the first possible sign. I'd be looking for a second sign when I am stone cold sober before I ended it.

Original poster

IsThisTheStartOfSomething · 03/06/2019 09:31

There is certainly grounds for reasonable doubt.

I hope so. I've woken up feeling just as uneasy as I went to bed about the situation and in my mind I am clear that his body language, tone and facial expression were intimidating. But as you say I wasn't in the best frame of mind. I need to talk to him about it.

OP posts:

Rainbowshine · 03/06/2019 12:22

I can’t help but think that if I needed to talk to someone who had just woken up that I’d leave them for a couple of minutes before expecting them to make conversation. Isn’t that what reasonable people do?! If that’s what you’d expect OP then you are well within your rights to feel uneasy about it. Perhaps he thought you were more asleep and wouldn’t notice his behaviour?...

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