Bad Sex

[ifwhat]

For some reason I could post this in Sex

My partner and I are having major issues with sex. Well, it’s me I suppose.

We’ve been together for almost 10 years and started off with a fairly normal (I think) sex life. Went through a really difficult couple of years after having our children where I just didn’t want it. To begin with I would reluctantly do it but lie there hating it the whole time. Eventually I just started refusing and we went for almost a whole year with none. My feelings towards my partner then weren’t great, it wasn’t a good time for us and I was fairly convinced that I didn’t want us to be together anymore. We worked through that and are now much happier. However I think that that time has just killed our sex life forever. I never ever initiate sex. Ever. I often feel frustration during sex because I feel as though even though we’ve been together long time he doesn’t even know how to touch me. He’s not very experienced with other women but ten years down the line that shouldn’t even be relevant. Sometimes he’ll be touching me and it’s so soft I can’t even feel it and then all I can think about is how bad it is and I get so frustrated thinking ‘how can he think they feels good?!’ He doesn’t seem to care whether I enjoy or even want sex. I think because for so long I was just going through the motions (barely) I now have a bit of a complex about sex and for some reason even when he does strike lucky and something feels good ... I can’t show it, it’s almost a shyness. I don’t make any noise or do anything at all to let him know it does feel good so I know it’s my fault too that he probably hasn’t ‘learned my body’ and what I like but I just can’t do it. I lie there almost completely still during sex, it must feel like he’s having sex with a corpse . For info I do orgasm almost every time we have sex so although boring and routine, the actual sex is mostly fine once we get going - it’s more his initiation and the foreplay that’s the issue.

How can I get over this? How can we fix this? I know it’s me as much as it’s him but I just can’t let go and enjoy it and let him know when I’m enjoying it.

You could try telling him?

You sound like me!

You need to tell him what you like. Tell him to use more pressure for example. Poor guy, if you aren't giving him any feedback, he will never get it right

Tell him you want to play a game a friend told you about...
Copying. .
You do something you like done to you to him... Then he has to do it back...
Make sure you make lots of omg that is so good when he does it too you....
So he knows he has done good.
Then find out what he wants as well.

Sorry, I feel really harsh. The best sex I've ever had has come from someone I can really communicate with. Maybe start by texting. It's less embarrassing. You can explain yourself and set some rules. (You don't want him to verbally talk to you about it yet) but you could tell him what you like/where to touch you etc. Without having to say it.

OP he's not a mind reader and everyone is different so his lack of experience with other partners may have little to do with it. I wonder if therapy to deal with your issues surrounding sex might help you feel more comfortable and confident expressing yourself. Only after you have resolved your reluctance to communicate your sexual needs with him can you decide if you aren't sexually compatible.

How on earth would he know you don't like it of you don't say anything and you have an orgasm? Why can't you tell him "a bit firmer/harder" or whatever?

Sorry just back from work.

I can’t talk to him about it. I know I need to buy I just really struggle to speak about it with him. So I suppose my post was pointless because of course the only thing I can is speak to him but I feel embarrassed, shameful and lots of other feelings when I think about speaking to him about it.

You say that you started your relationship with a 'fairly normal' sex life - did you have the same feelings about his techniques at the beginning?

It sounds to me like you have some unresolved issues following the birth of your children and the fact that you had sex reluctantly and hated it.

You have been with this person for 10 years, and I'm so sorry that you are experiencing these feelings of embarrassment and shame now. Would he be surprised to hear that you felt this way?

I wonder if some sort of counselling would benefit you, to get to the source of these feelings. After you have explored these feelings with a professional you may be more inclined to share with your partner, or even include him in the counselling sessions once you have had some on your own so you can talk 'safely'.

You have taken a very brave first step in speaking about this and acknowledging your feelings. I really hope you feel able to speak to someone IRL soon

I can understand you finding it hard to bring up a conversation about it but do you really not say anything to each other while having sex? Is there no way you can tell him "I like that but do it a bit more/less/ harder?" How on earth do you orgasm?

I agree with the suggestion of counselling?

It sounds as though you're annoyed with him even before the foreplay starts, which won't help you to enjoy it or for him to please you.

Every article I've read about this suggests having a conversation when away from the bedroom, and to frame it as "I'd like it if..." Rather than "I don't like it when you".
the PP suggestion of trying out a game sounds like a good one - because you'll both be thinking outside the frame of your normal routine.

The other thing that is often suggested is to avoid PIV intercourse for a period of time and instead focus on exploring touching and pleasing each other.

Have you thought about trying massage on each other? It might take the focus off sex and orgasm.

OP, if you aren't prepared to do anything about it then it won't change. Surely lying there silently hoping that this time will be different is just crazy?

It sounds like you are harbouring a lot of resentment. I notice how you don't say anything positive about your partner at all. You say you are happier in what ways?

You need to communicate, not necessarily in words, if you find that difficult take his hand and put it where you would like him to put it and then look happy. He will soon get the message. But really you should be able to talk about this, good sex does not just happen you need to know what your partner wants.

Is he going down on you? If not, why not?

This isn't a sex thing op, this is a relationship thing. You don't feel intimate with him, so talking about sex stuff seems excruciating and shameful.

Do you ever have chats about stuff?
Do you spend time together on your own?

If I may ask another really delicate question, what's your sexual history? Did you have trauma in the area of sex at any time in your life?

I often feel frustration during sex because I feel as though even though we’ve been together long time he doesn’t even know how to touch me. He’s not very experienced with other women but ten years down the line that shouldn’t even be relevant. Sometimes he’ll be touching me and it’s so soft I can’t even feel it and then all I can think about is how bad it is and I get so frustrated thinking ‘how can he think they feels good?!’ He doesn’t seem to care whether I enjoy or even want sex.

You also say that during sex you just lie there and that you think he must feel like he's having sex with a corpse...so you don't exactly seem like you're paying any attention to making him feel good or trying to touch him either tbh. You both seem equally bad at pleasing each other. The main issue here is communication.

Do you actually want to have sex now? Have you worked through any resentment you may feel from the bad period you had? If you are still harbouring those feelings, it will be more difficult to be enthusiastic about having sex with him.
When you were first together, and you had "more normal sex", did you lie there like a corpse then? Or did you participate more? If so, what's changed?
If you have never really participated in sex, then perhaps just start off slowly and move his hand where you'd like it to be, pressing harder/softer/generally guiding it about and see where that takes you.

Relate have sex therapist who counsell you on how to tell your partner how you are feeling.