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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationship with a abuser

2 replies

Ilovepink9 · 02/06/2019 21:39

Hi I'm not sure why I'm even writing this but I feel like I'm so confused what happened.
Me and my childrens father separated after having 3 beautiful children we both decided we wasnt in love and to end our relationship. We are in a much better place now and are happier
A little after our separation I met someone quite quickly.
Things moved very forward for us and I honestly got brain washed and didny actually know how

Basically he told my ex we were together after 2 weeks. He wanted to spend so much time with me. He never trusted me for no reason. He was so insecure of loosing me. Once my ex found out about him he done his research and told me he was not allowed to see his ex girlfriend and his daughter. So I asked about it and he said it's because she was jealous of me and him. I was kinda confused but just believed what he said.
One evening after checking my phone as he did alot he found a message to a old Male friend literally there were 3 messages how are you etc. He went crazy threw my phone, he was raging, cut my debit card up, changed the pin on my phone so I couldn't go on it, punched a ornament in my bedroom and wanted to keep arguing with me. He threatened to take my car keys and take my car. So I hid my keys. I was so frightened of him and slept In the bedroom with my children. In the morning i woke up and went to the police station because he really scared me.
Made a statement and told the police i didnt want for him to be arrested but just to leave me alone.
On that evening I was at home and my children were at their dads and I burst out crying, i felt so lonely and upset. Shocked about him acting that way towards me i was gutted.
So like a idiot i called him and had him back!!!!!!
Social services were then involved because my ex had told them about him.
They told me he was not allowed around my children.
I continued the relationship seeing him when I didnt have the children.
He was so argumentative with me, but then so loving. He caused problems with some of my family making me look at them in a different way. I would do anything for him. He had wanted a baby with me alot and even I started thinking about having one with him. He always said he was loyal and happy with me. Any time we could see each other he would see me. A little late sometimes but was always with me.
One day he asked me to go for a family meal with his family to meet them. It made me feel so good and I thought he really did love me. On the evening after the meal he was a little strange. He said he needed to go out and drop some money off. I was like that's isnt normal at 11pm at night, I said if u were to go then I am too.
Basically he took my car so I couldn't go out he came back 3 hours later. I was so pissed off!! In the morning we argued about the previous night. I looked at him and saw a love bite, I was like OMG! He said it wasnt one and I started to believe it. So when he was downstairs I found messages off a girl, saying how amazing he was last night and she cant wait to see him again!. I felt so sick. I had been so stupid! I was so hurt.
I ended it and left the house. Told him that was it. He called texted all day but I blocked him. Saying he loved me, he was so gutted for what he had done, he was gutted, that I had opened his eyes up. That night i couldn't sleep as I was at my families. I drove home to see his car outside a house down the road from me! I could not actually believe it. He was with her and she lived on my road! As I thought it couldn't get any worse
He came to mine after and said he wanted me and he loved me. The day after I honestly woke up and thought forget this. I changed my number and for 2 days I was fine. I knew I deserved more and the fact that I had proved how strong I was. Deep down i believed he was gutted and upset. Other day after I realised he had my lawnmower so i withheld my number and asked him for it back he was like leave me alone, I don't want you. I was crying on the phone do so much I was so gutted that now he couldn't care about what he done about me or anything. It made me feel so crap. 2 days after he changed his display photo of them on social media. That hurt also! 2 weeks on and he is still with her. He hasn't contacted me. I'm just in complete shock. I honestly had no idea what happened, I honestly thought he loved me. But I've done some research and I believe he was seeing this girl for weeks before this happened. But why continue with me? Why didnt he just end it? I just font understand? Why beg me back when obviously it's her he wanted anyway.
I hate him so much but at the same time it still hurts because I generally loved him and didnt see any if this at all. Its totally destroyed my self confidence.
Thanks for reading. Just need some closure because I just dont understand in my head at all.
X

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 02/06/2019 21:45

Dear God, what a train wreck, you stayed with a man who has ban from being in contact with kids?
Stop being upset and be glad you're rid of him, you need to set boundaries and work on your self esteem. Put yourself and your kids first.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/06/2019 21:52

He's a user and abusive dickhead who did you a favour by leaving you as he should never have been near your children in the 1st place. A man that's banned from seeing his own children...! Your ex did the right thing in reporting situation to Social Services.

Were you not even curious to delve further as to why this Man couldn't see his children? Albeit the fact he was banned should have caused you to run a mile. Perhaps you didn't as you loved him. But you don't even know him, all this happened in a very short space of time didn't it?

Surely you can see now that there's work to do on healing yourself including why you got with such a man in the 1st place?

I was reading your post and really hoping it wasn't going to end in ' he's harmed my children'. Anyway as said he's gone and it's for the best.

Never mind wasting hours trying to understand him, use that time to understand yourself face your own truths don't lie to yourself. Then go ahead and do whatever it takes to heal. & Look out for your children. They need you. this man wasn't even around for long he was just an unhealthy blip in your life that's all.

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