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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Suffocating DH and Self-care

9 replies

Choodechoo · 02/06/2019 21:23

We are probably done with after many problems over the years and ironically in other ways, he is very insular and out for himself. Yet so terribly suffocating at the same time.

Today, he made me a sandwich, I ate half then went to deal with DCs, I wasn't particularly hungry. He followed me around with the sandwich in his hand for me to eat. After 5 minutes of him not getting it, I told him I'd had enough of the sandwich.

He watches me through the window when reversing out of the drive (obsessed with me not scratching the car on the bushes).

He is loud and constantly making a noise- loud singing, whistling, wittering about rubbish, asking mundane questions. Never stops talking. We recently has friends over and he kept interrupting my conversations to ask me really annoying questions.

His body is large and loud, he stands right over me when speaking and I find myself constantly moving backwards whilst he edges forwards. He crashes around. He needs large spaces to feel comfortable- I used to live in a small terraced house when dating and he hated it as he said it was too small for him to move around in. I laughed at the time but completely get it now.

In bed he never stops fidgeting.

He's untidy and his clothes are always on the floor.

He makes no effort to connect on an emotional level but asks intrusive questions about how much things have cost me, who was I talking to on the phone etc.

I feel so suffocated, how can I take care of myself whilst feeling so smothered and yet so alone all at the same time? Our emotional/ romantic connection has gone.

OP posts:
thecatneuterer · 02/06/2019 21:45

Why are you still with him? Finances? Children? Fear of being alone?

TemporaryPermanent · 02/06/2019 21:54

What did you like about him at first?

Do you have a sex life?

I don't think I could stand this I have to say.

Choodechoo · 02/06/2019 21:57

@thecat all of the above, but I see us separating in a couple of years. I love spending time with our young dcs too much to leave at the moment (I work part-time in a stable career) when they go to school, I will seek fulltime employment in my current career and will be able to support us on my own financially.

OP posts:
Mistlewoeandwhine · 02/06/2019 21:59

Sounds autistic to me.

Cherrysoup · 02/06/2019 22:02

Do you tell him to step back when speaking to you? That would drive me nuts.

billy1966 · 02/06/2019 22:02

God that sounds awful, really awful.
Noisy and constantly in you face and in your way.
Best of luck. It will be a long few years.

Preggosaurus9 · 02/06/2019 22:08

Have you tried changing the way you communicate with him? Be utterly blunt and direct. Use as few words as possible. He may genuinely just not be picking up social cues. The sandwich thing could be a lack of social awareness, it could be controlling, it could just be the mark of a total knob, who knows.

"No I have finished with the sandwich thank you"

"I don't like it when you watch me drive the car, I want you to stop doing it"

Babdoc · 02/06/2019 22:16

I agree with Mistlewoe, he sounds autistic and possibly also ADHD.
Would he agree to an assessment and then having some counselling directed at helping him with social and emotional interaction?
He could probably improve quite a bit with some encouragement and explanation of the problem. I’m autistic myself, and I’ve had to learn a lot of social things by rote that normal people can do automatically. It’s exhausting but not impossible, with a bit of give and take from both of you.

Choodechoo · 02/06/2019 22:24

I have suspected aspergers/adhd for a long time. He laughs in my face at the mention of him having it. He has said under no circumstances will he put himself through an assessment just to make me feel better when he knows he doesn't have it anyway. The real problem is that I am irritable and intolerant (I probably am to an extent). He is the total opposite, has no sensory awareness- sleeps with the curtains open as the light has no impact on his ability to sleep, will have tv, radio, i-pad on all at the same time and won't eveb notice etc. Can not remember significant events in his life.

When I have tried being very blunt with him he starts a huge argument about me being rude and refuses to co-operate with me whatsoever.

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