Lonely single Mum- no friendship group

[dollypollywolly]

Hi ladies.

I'm just reaching out to see if I am alone in this issue or not. I am a 35yr old single mum of one DS of almost 13, who has autism and special needs. I've been a single mum since he was 3 and I have also had my own health issues which really restrict my ability to work alongside caring for my son alone.

It just seems everyone else around me has these wonderful groups of female friends they can call upon, meet for coffee, dinner, nights out, even holidays. I feel so isolated and lonely, I have a couple of long term friends I see maybe once a fortnight who are more like family, and I've been away for the weekend with one of them recently, and around 6 or so other 'mates' on the peripheral I see for lunch or coffee here and there, but all these friends are 1-2-1 and have never really developed into anything deeper despite me trying. I have also tried and failed to get my mates all together, people always end up cancelling or pulling out.

I still live in my smallish hometown yet I drifted apart from school/college friends, I married young and became a mum early, whilst my school friends were at uni and building their careers. So we just lost touch. Yet I had a great group at school.

I haven't worked for years because of caring for DS and don't even do the school run as he has transport provided. I've tried special needs groups and made a couple of long term mates but most of them were a very clique and bitchy.
It just feels wherever I go my face doesn't fit.

I've been very depressed and anxious recently for a good 7-8 months and have lost a couple of friends I thought cared because I have been 'depressed too long' and that has hurt me so much. They have completely cut me out, deleted me off fb the works. It's really highlighted to me how much of an outsider I feel. It's so isolating being a single parent carer and I just feel I've not got a lovely group of friends like other women my age have and it makes me so so sad!

I suffer with attachment insecurities because of a traumatic childhood so I'm aware this is why I am so upset about this and I wonder if other people worry as much as me?

Does anyone have any advice please? Or can relate? Thankyou so much for listening.

Also I should add, I am feeling this more at the moment as I am recently out of a 4 year relationship which has been painful in itself.

It sounds to me like you have some lovely friendships. Don't be fooled by the women you see hanging round in groups. Big groups can be fun to go out with but they tend not be close friendships. Many people like to hang out in a group to make them feel secure, regardless of whether they actually like the people in the group or not.

I found the whole mum coffee morning thing pretty boring and tiresome when mine were small, and life was better when I just did what I liked and didn't stress about having a "group".

I am sorry some of your friends have dropped you. I think concentrating on and enjoying your existing friendships is more important than having a group though. Joining a sports club or choir can give you that feeling of belonging in a group if that's important to you - though I appreciate that may be difficult as a single parent.

Sorry I just saw your relationship has recently ended, no wonder you are feeling low. I hope you can find some distractions/hobbies/nice treats to help you feel more positive.

Thankyou for replying and your advice. That's very interesting to hear. Maybe it's a case of the grass isn't greener? I can also imagine it must get a bit bitchy in groups. Maybe I'm just naturally not a group person too. But it would be nice to have the option! I feel like people may look at me as a loner!

It doesn't matter what other people think, they are probably to busy worrying about their own stuff anyway! I think if we are feeling down it is easy to get self critical and think you should have more friends or a better job or whatever.

Most people once they have kids do have much less of a social life. My important friendships are with people I see once or twice a year. It was fun when I was younger and had a big group but I am not sure to be honest I was really that close to many of them. Hope you are feeling better soon.

Well I’m 10 years older than you and I don’t have those friendships that you’ve described. I can’t navigate women. My 2 closest friends all live hours away from me so I don’t even have the every couple of weeks thing that you’ve described. I don’t know how people do the building a group thing. I’ve tried a few times and got to the point of having some girlfriends and then it gets bitchy or one of them starts being a Queen Bee or starts leaving me out...I find it all confusing and non understandable. I’ve decided that being lonely is preferable to being let down. Sorry I don’t have the answer but I wanted you to know it’s not just you.

Thanks for your reply also. Yes I have kind of had a group friendship a couple of times and it also ended up bitchy and I just did not understand the politics of it all. I ended up feeling quite insecure because of all the back chat and knew they'd be doing it about me too.
Looking at other posts on here regarding same issue it seems many people are struggling with lack of friends and loneliness too. It's sad but also makes me feel less like a sad loner!
Where about's in the UK are you?

Same boat here, dolly.

I'm 44 and have a 13 year old too. Everyone I know is married so they are with their families most of the time and like to socialise with their husbands/wives.

I've also been in 'girl groups' and found I didn't understand all the 'social dance' of it all or the politics either. Most recently, I was in a group of women friends but found there was a 'top dog' who likes to be the centre of everything.

The others know she is doing it - we have talked about it - but they just seemed happy to go along with it. The issue for me was that I could hear them apologising to her/defending themselves if any of them got together and did something without her (not excluding her - just a couple of them getting together for a coffee). I'm not very good at 'following a leader' so I was ousted pretty quickly.

Hence, I'm home alone on a Friday night and will probably be in bed with a horror film to watch by 9.

Going round for dinner or meeting up for a coffee with someone is nice but, on a Friday night, I really just want to go to a pub, drink beer and dance to loud music.

Just read your post, mybeebop

Seems these Queen Bees are quite a common occurance then!

I just can't be doing with that.

You’re not alone, I’m 45, single mum to ds (8) with autism.
I’ve lost all my friends bar one, it’s hard for some people to deal with autism and sometimes ds behaviour can be extreme. Luckily I have a supportive family. I think it’s great that you’ve managed to maintain these friendships, don’t worry about big groups, I’ve never been involved in a “girl group” that wasn’t bitchy

Where are all you ladies from? Highly unlikely we all live in the same part of the UK!
I'm in East Sussex

I'm from Norfolk op.

I’m in the north west

It's lonely at times, I relied heavily on my husband but he's done the typical midlife crisis/want something different and left with an autistic adult dd and no mandatory child support (he doesn't really accept she has a problem, probably because he too is on the spectrum (undiagnosed))

hi op i feel like this too. i try so hard to make friends at school gates etc and through work when i had a job and it all comes to nothing. stuck at home in evenings as no childcare. have asked a few friends to come over for dinner or a coffee in evening but they are always busy or want to be with their partners etc which is fair enough but still hurts. no answers i'm afraid but you're not alone in how you feel

I’m in a similar boat. Two children with autism and the third without. I’ve found it very hard to break in anywhere as my experience of parenthood hasn’t been quite different and I haven’t been able to meet people through work (as I can’t work now) and I don’t have much energy left for hobbies.

I’m just south of Cambridge if anyone wanted to chat 🙂

It's heartening to know I'm not the only one in this position and I hope it's helpful to you all to realise you're not too!
Cambridge is not THAT far from me.... just a few hours 😆 but yes I'd love to chat more. How do we do that? I'm new to MN.
Where are you other ladies from?

@Alwaysgrey I've just looked and Cambridge is actually 2 hrs away- not that bad really. Maybe we could chat some more? I'd like that

Hi, I'm 38, single mum to 11 year old boy who is suspected of having ASD. We are waiting for a referral for diagnosis.

Life is lonely as a single mum. I do have friends, but don't see them much, the evenings and weekends are lonely. I'm in London if anyone's interested. We should try to arrange meetups for single mums.

Op, could you try to reconnect with some of your old friends?

I also hate the whole queen bee thing, annoys me and I will refuse to kowtow. I want a friendship of equals where everyone is treated with respect.

i'm in the south east also and think a meetup would be great. it would be nice to meet people and then have some friends to talk to. it really does feel at times like you are just alone with the kids on a little island cut off from everyone else

Hi guys

I feel the same, I have a handful of very close friends in London but since I’ve moved to the south west I feel very lonely.

It’s hard to make friends in a small town where people grew up together.

School mums seem very cliquey and it’s difficult to make chat.

Anyone around south west or near that would like to get a little group together??

@yummytummy where in the south east are you?
I'd love to get a group together I just have no idea where we could all meet! And how do we exchange contact details can you private message on here? I'm in East Sussex

If anyone is in the Midlands let's meet up!