Around 13 years ago i met a girl, we hit it off and became good friends. Shortly after meeting she had mentioned unhappiness at home and i offered her my spare room which she accepted straight away. For the first couple of years we were very on/off and this was mainly down to me and my unwillingness to commit to her and admit my feelings (was not long out of a ltr) . We did end up getting together and in 2010 i asked her to marry me which she accepted. When i asked her to marry me it was because i loved her i fully understood marriage and knew it was for life. We got married in 2011 and everything was fine between us until the birth of our daughter in 2013. My wife at the time was having reality checking in and felt trapped and a difficult birth and my wifes readmittance to hospital had an effect on her as did myself going missing for the first few months as the child suffered badly from colic and i selfishly hid out of the way. I did return to my wifes aid and have been there ever since for the child but these things all contributed to my wifes feelings of wanting to leave. I was able to talk her into staying but she never took the opportuntity to unburden herself of all the things she was keeping quiet about. She had issues with her mum all through childhood and felt very unloved and unwanted. These things led to eating disorders , self harm, depression and anxiety and she had become very good at burying it when she met me. Maybe she was scared to dump any of it on me incase i seen her as too much work or something but for whatever reason she continued burying things. In late 2014 i became very ill and by feb 2015 i was in intensive care in hospital with a severe attack of newly diagnosed lupus sle which i very nearly didnt survive. When i was woken from my coma i couldnt move, couldnt even turn my head to look at the clock which used to really frustate me, but i had plenty of time to think and think i did, i was so grateful to still be alive for my child who was only around 18 months and i thought constantly about my wife and how much i loved her and nearly left without properly showing her. I would obsessively wait for her visits and be desperate to see her. I resolved to be much more openly loving to my wife when i got out of hospital and we got a house where we currently live. Within a few months of moving in though she met some guy from usa (we are in ireland) on a Facebook group and a friendship began. As it is of course easy to talk to people online she was able to be herself and not be the person who buried things with this guy and after a couple of years around the time of a severe bout of depression made worse by terrible meds feelings for this guy appeared and my wife buried them but continued the friendship. Its clear and obvious that intimacy and secrets meant for a husband were being shipped out to this guy and things carried on for another while until my wifes mother died at the end of 2018 and my wife became pregnant with an unwanted child a few weeks later. She started then acting upon her feelings for this guy and in the beginning of 2019 she miscarried at home and she was relieved. Then she spent until april building up a plan to leave me and the child and run off to the us to be with this guy. He had sent her money for a passport and visa and flights. When i was told she was adamant there was nothing between us the case against me was perfect. 6 weeks later she is still here and we have talked an awfull lot about everything and she now knows and accepts that she was truly loved and could have told me anything and been herself right from the beginning. That there was never a need to repress herself. She then went to her dads to clear her head and when she came back she realised when she seen me that she loved me and missed me. I was briefly happy as i of course thought this meant the other guy was going. It became clear very quickly that she wouldnt get rid of him and felt torn between the 2. This progressed to the point where in a panic to stop her doing something crazy i did Something crazier and told her she could have Both. Obviously this is not what i want on any level but i felt backed into a corner because she was so unwilling to give him up. A day or 2 later i retracted it and gave her the ultimatum and she battled with it but chose her husband, it never really felt like a happy reunion though and i knew she still wouldnt give this guy up. So many of the problems between us have all been solved from our talking and my wife no longer feels the way she did for so long about me but she is terrified at the feelings for this guy never going away and despite loving her husband and seeing the brightness the future has without long running issues between us. She ultimately comes back to wanting both because she us unable to choose what to do and i seen the impact backing her into a corner with an ultimatum did as her whole personality changed to a cold emotionless person who is very against her husband and its only when the ultimatum was removed that there was massive physical relief on her face and she realised how against her husband she becomes when that coldness appears when she is under pressure. So this is my life ultimately atm i dont know what to do its like a nightmare i havnt woke up from and the only thing i know is i cant and wont give up on her.