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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you marry an old friend...not sure if he's my 'prince charming'!? Help me!!!

24 replies

flightattendant · 22/07/2007 15:38

Ok, those of you who know me know also that I'm a single parent, (two boys), who has had a somewhat disastrous love life

I have this friend. I was introduced to him at the age of 15. In those days he was either dressing as Humphrey Bogart or that geezer from a Clockwork Orange, very very shy, pretty strange, a bit theatrical and generally lovely. But pretty repressed as well, parents split when young and it did affect him - adores his mum, well, ALL women as a 'genre' -

I know it all sounds good but he still (we are both 33) has loads of female friends, many from my schooldays!, whom he visits and gets on with and perhaps even fancies (there is one he definitely does, though resigned that she isn't going to reciprocate).

I just have always wondered whether I could be with him. Because of his shyness it's very difficult to know if you are seeing the 'real' him, and I'm very direct so that bothers me. Also I don't feel I've ever been too 'special' as he is very sort of 'worshipful' but then he is about all of them too.

He's the kind of guy who will turn up with books, dvds, a friend whom he thinks you'll get on with and perhaps play music/collaborate with...encouraging me with my singing etc...in fact he networks like crazy and I think my life is better known amongst his friends than I could imagine! Well he tells me their lives too...

...and then he'll wander off, and you'll find two packets of chocolate fingers and an M&S pudding in the fridge.

I find it hard to accept this behaviour as genuine/ specific to me, because I think he idolises 'women' and always tries to do what he thinks they want. iyswim.
But last summer he said he was in love with me. Said he loves my son too. He always brings him silly toys etc and plays with him.
I couldn't believe or trust enough...he went to Bath to work in a restaurant and do his comics (he paints etc.) and stupid me stayed with my crappy ex, got pregnant and wondered where it all went wrong.

He is in touch again, he never ever gives up on me...we text, we talk sometimes, still far away. But he talks about our family and what it would be like. How he has no money etc to support us, wishes he had.

I am so confused. I never felt much of a sexual attraction but then I have flashes of something...

don't understand, is it obvious or is he just a player? Or am I an idiot who should have just gone with the flow since I was 15?

Thanks for reading this epic xx

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 22/07/2007 15:42

Why are you thinking of marrying him? Why not go out as lovers first etc and see where it goes, I don't think you should marry him for the sake of marrying someone.

PanicPants · 22/07/2007 15:42

Perhaps marry is a little strong. Maybe start seeing each other and take it from there?

CarGirl · 22/07/2007 15:43

I'd say don't rush into anything and give yourself a period of time when you are going to stay single (12 months??) Then revaluate??? I just think that you've been through a lot relationship wise in the last few years and would benefit being single for a period of time.

If romance blossoms in that time then it would be good - just stay "courting" if it doesn't then he's not the one for you?

PanicPants · 22/07/2007 15:43

lol snap lovemygirls!

Original poster

flightattendant · 22/07/2007 15:53

No just talking about 'being together' really...but with 2 small kids you have to be pretty committed from the outset.

I guess I wouldn't want to date someone casually again...but I suppose we'd have to start somewhere!
Thanks girls

OP posts:

DoubleBluff · 22/07/2007 16:21

He sounds wonderful.
See what happens...

macdoodle · 22/07/2007 16:33

Can he maintain "NOT" being genuine for >15 years sounds sweet - next time I'm going for a nice guy - I always go for "bad boys" and they are always arses

expatinscotland · 22/07/2007 16:38

Newsflash: Prince Charming is fiction.

zippit · 22/07/2007 16:43

it all sounds very platonic...if after 15 years you haven't got into a relationship is there really a spark there?

KristinaM · 22/07/2007 16:44

what do YOU mean by "together"? Seeing more of him? Sex? Moving in together? Going on holiday together? Suporting each other financially? What doeshe want? have you talked about it?

I'm sorry to ask this ...dont knwo if i'm the only one thinking this....but are you sure he is straight?

expatinscotland · 22/07/2007 16:46

Yeah, I think this is all too weirdy.

KristinaM · 22/07/2007 16:47

oh NO expat, dont agree with me, we NEVER agree

expatinscotland · 22/07/2007 16:49

It does sound weirdy, though, Kristina.

I think he might be gay, too.

Elizaveta · 22/07/2007 16:56

I also thought gay when I read this.

I also think you can have young children and not think marriage or long term everytime you go out with someone. Of course, I'm coming at this as a gay woman who would never get married, but I have the same restrictions about who I'd be willing to introduce my dd to.

I think you need to look more at his history with relationships and not rush into anything with him or anyone.

Original poster

flightattendant · 22/07/2007 17:25

Well it had occurred to me. I know he has close male friends too, that's the weird thing, I never get any real sense of what he really does want. That;s why we've never got together. In fact I'm not sure even he knows.

As far as he's told me, and he does talk about this stuff a fair bit but only in a limited way - he has had various short term girlfriends/ mainly shagging tbh - but always comes round to mine in between, one time he dropped by when they were passing in the car and he said he was going to introduce us but was too embarrassed.

It does seem like he doesn't really hvae it in him to 'settle' for just one person, perhaps that's the answer. I don't see him giving up his other 'girlfriends' for me.
He's very artistically motivated and sees them for 'inspiration', or whatever - I apparently inspire him though we are all caricatured in his comics. Last year was weird when he said all that about loving me. It just seemed odd. I might have to trust my instincts on this and assume he is afraid of commitment.

He said one thing that seemed to ring true - he said I'm the only single mother he knows well, and part of him wants to go back to when he was 3 and make things right. (Ie when his dad left)

Understandable but not the best motive for taking on someone elses kids, surely? Or is it a fair one?

OP posts:

Original poster

flightattendant · 22/07/2007 17:27

Oh and he did live with a girl cellist (from school also) and they went to Spain for a coupleof years before drifting apart. He's still in regular contact with her.

That's his longest 'relationship'.

Maybe he has yet to figure out what/who he really wants/is.

OP posts:

Original poster

flightattendant · 22/07/2007 17:29

Oh the coming round to mine in between bit sounded odd, I just meant he sporadically turns up, mostly when he's not 'with' anyone. We did try kissing once but it felt odd. Never shagged

OP posts:

Original poster

flightattendant · 22/07/2007 17:31

What I want from it is the intimacy of a partner, and someone who enjoys my kids as much as I do - if not more.

I feel DS's need a father - or someone at least - to depend on when I am busy/ill/depressed. I would love them to have that alternative person to turn to.

But am afraid his motives mght not hold out IRL and we'd all be let down...

OP posts:

Elizaveta · 22/07/2007 17:34

How old is he? I didn't come out until I was in my early 30s and that's because that is when I felt ready to do it. It may be that he's not gay but bisexual?

I think if he believes being in your family can help him mend the past that it's never going to work. He sounds like a complex person with complex emotions that he's dealing with. Has he actually shown an interest in being in a monogamous relationship with you? Rather than just shagging?

collision · 22/07/2007 17:38

Mmm....you cannot be a surrogate mother tho and he is not 3 years old!

I think you should ask him out on a date on your own and see what happens.

Also, you cannot marry someone just to be around to look after the kids.

It needs to be about you because one day your children will grow up and leave and then you will be left with him so you do need to have the passion and the laughter and the relationship between you.

collision · 22/07/2007 17:39

i dont think he is gay.

zippit · 22/07/2007 18:07

well if sex with him is potentially unimaginable and embarrassing then he doesn't sound like a partner made in heaven...he may be safe but that won't be enough and shouldn't be to be honest

curiouscat · 24/07/2007 13:47

Sounds like a wimp to me. Sorry but can't resist saying so. I used to fall for so many artsy types and when you want to rely on them they're just flakes imho.

smellymelly · 24/07/2007 13:57

I used to have a boyfriend / friend, who when we met up always had a spark there, but it never worked out very well for me. He decided one summer he wanted to marry me and told me a few months after he had made his decision. I found it a little weird and I needless to say we didn't get hitched, but I still think about him now and again, just how he is etc, not any more than that.

I think if you would know if you wanted to settle down with someone, it is not enough that he is better than your ex.

Maybe you should just stay friends, and if anything was to happen it should be natural.

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