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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Groped whilst sleeping

10 replies

Redpoppies12 · 01/06/2019 23:50

Looking for advice. Am I over reacting?

My boyfriend, who was already up this morning came to wake me up but I woke up to him groping my bum and thighs....but really persistent way.
He knows I am a very heavy sleeper because I take medication and I tried to move away but it took longer than I wanted and I didn't like it at all.
He carried on for ages.

I am so upset/shocked and I can't fully explan why.
I spoke to him and at first he told me he was initiating sex because I've said in the past lets have morning sex etc but the thing is I was half asleep! So am I being silly?

All my trust has gone and he's now worried me and to be honest I don't want him near me. It all feels like my relationship isn't what I thought it was :(

How can I get out of this mindset? Do I need to let it go?

OP posts:
Soola · 02/06/2019 05:15

If he isn’t abusive or demanding at any other time then I wouldn’t be too worried as you have now spelt it out to him that you didn’t like what he did and he isn’t to do it again.

He may have been trying hard to rouse you thinking you would want to have sex and because you were half asleep he was persistent and didn’t realise or understand that you were frightened. No he knows it shouldn’t happen again. If it does then you can dump him.

Namechangedyorkshire · 02/06/2019 05:36

I would agree with Soola. It totally depends on your relationship and what he knows. If you have said to him previously not to do when asleep, well he shouldn't have. It's important we all know boundaries in bed when one is asleep I say

My DH tends to wake earlier than me and sometimes cuddles up to me. Likes holding a boob and massaging my back and also touching me. I usually love waking up to that and yes, sometimes he will have a finger in an intimate place.

You clearly don't like so discuss with him so he knows in future. Equally he might not like being told that either so he is free to walk as well!!

Shitonthebloodything · 02/06/2019 08:23

This wouldn't bother me, I'd quite like to be woken up like that actually. I think I've woken DP up like this before too. You just need to tell him you don't like it and if he does it again after that then you have a problem.

Anothernick · 02/06/2019 09:27

If this was just a one-off incident and you have made it clear to him that you don't want it to happen again then forget it and move on. I would not wake my DW by groping her but it's not unusual for one or both of us to have a feel while we are still half awake, surely this is normal in a relationship? We have an informal rule that we do not need to ask before we grope but if attention is not wanted we stop at once.

WhyisntMusicManacareeroption · 02/06/2019 09:51

"If it does then you can dump him."
You doesn't need a reason, or permission to dump him ever.
Personally though, this time I would have a stern word to keep his hands off till you're awake. A decent person would be horrified and apologetic.
He should then spend time making it up to you. If you can't let go of it/feel the trust has gone then it might be the end of the relationship.

FuriousVexation · 02/06/2019 10:08

A useful phrase could be:
Strawberries

"If I don't say strawberries then I'm not fully conscious"

Men who give a fuck about consent will take themselves in hand
Men who don't will assault/rape you and often justify it with "you didn't say no"

category12 · 02/06/2019 10:13

What's with doing another thread on this?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3600941-Groping-me-awake

Kittykat93 · 02/06/2019 10:15

I don't think you should read too much into this. It was the first time, a one off and he was probably just trying to get you in the mood.

Babdoc · 02/06/2019 10:18

I think a lot depends on the relationship and how much you trust and love each other.
My late DH and I adored each other and couldn’t keep our hands off - both of us would be guilty of “groping” while our partner was asleep, and it was never unwelcome to either of us. We both knew the other would stop immediately if asked, and we both felt like soulmates.
But I think it’s possibly different if the relationship is still new, or one of you has a history of abuse, or you’re not comfortable together and can’t trust your partner to respect your wishes/boundaries.
You just need a chat with your partner about what you find acceptable or not.

category12 · 02/06/2019 10:20

Recently there was a thread where the op was regularly being raped in her sleep. It's not OK. Op here tried to move away, it's not OK.

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