My ex husband’s parents are excluding me AND his children from his funeral.

[Velvetrevolution]

My children are just 8 and 6, though have said they want to attend. I’m definitely not welcome though, so even dropping them off would be problematic, though they could go with 18 year old step sibling and friend. I guess I don’t want them going into an atmosphere of hostility. Also being denied a share of ashes, even though they’re his kids and he expressed wish we scattered his ashes.

A funeral is essentially a public event and anyone can go to the church/crematorium. Obviously you would have to be able to front it out in the face of very unreasonable behaviour by your ex ILs.

Re the ashes, if the wish in his will you should speak to the executor.

This is disgusting. His children deserve closure as well.
Do they want a relationship with them? As I would find this really unforgivable.

In all honesty I don't think funerals are the place for children, so I'm not sure I'd let mine attend anyway. I certainly wouldn't allow it without me being present. - if they go they will need your support.
I think I would leave the funeral to his parents and hold my own little memorial service with the children, where they can say goodbye. Maybe do it at a place that has meaning for him and them.
His parents are hurting, they are not thinking beyond that right now - let them have this day to day goodbye to their son in the way they feel best.

Did you get on well enough with them when you were together? Do they blame you for the split? But even if that's the case - to take it out on your/his children is so harsh that I suppose you have to assume it's the grief talking.
Yes, you could just rock up regardless but these are people who have lost their child, and it wouldn't be appropriate if they've asked you not to come. Hopefully with a bit of time passing they'll rethink the ashes thing.
Hope you're OK - it must be a huge loss for you as well.

I guess it depends what you did to make yourself not welcome. If it's just you broke up but no animosity then seems odd. If you broke his heart through cheating, had screaming matches with all the family etc then frankly you should stay away and respect their right to grieve. Only you know the real story.

Do you have a friend who could take them? To be honest I think I’d take them myself and ignore the hostility (unless anyone would create a scene) as I’d want to be there to support them

I agree with Iwannaseehowitends. Arrange a memorial service for him. I went to my first Mormonism service recently and it was a celebration of the individuals life. Funerals with the coffin in particular are tough on adults and especially children. Really sorry for your children-heart breaking x

I understand not wanting to 'share' ashes. I'm relatively unsentimental about my late husband's ashes (still haven't done anything with them). But whatever I do, he'll be scattered or buried in his entirety.
It might not be logical, but no way would I split the ashes up between people or places. I want to know where all of him is.

Every funeral I have ever been to has had children at it so I don't get the argument that funerals aren't a place for children.

I do think splitting the ashes is unusual and if his parents just don't like you, I wouldn't go and subject your children to an unpleasant scene. Plan your own 'funeral' and do something with your kids to remember him.

How awful - how about you do something with the children, maybe at a place special to you? You could each talk about something special, release a balloon each maybe? My heart goes out to you

Thats really cruel of them. Contact the executor of the will and I really dont see why you couldnt sit at the back. Although his children really should be at the front.

could I suggest you look at winstons wish? Theyre a childrens bereavement charity and are brilliant.

for you all.

Just go with the children. This is a situation where you would regret not going, over going. They’d have to be pretty horrible people to create a scene at their son’s funeral. But be prepared for some hostile stares.

If you want to go, go. You f your kids want to go, go with them, they need to have support to be there and his parents have not right to deny you this.

You must be feeling all kinds of emotions, how are you holding up?

Thanks for the advice. It was very sudden. I found out about Winston’s wish from Mumsnet, and wouldn’t have managed to tell the kids the right way without them. Think we will just do our own memorial/“funeral”. A place they all liked and a balloon good ideas. Pictures.

You can have a separate memorial service. I work for a church and we have had several over the years in very similar circumstances, rather than a coffin a photo on an easel is placed at the front, otherwise the service can almost the same (obviously no committal) or tailored to your kids wishes. If you contact your local vicar and explain the situation they will let you know what they can offer.

Could you possibly have some old clothes of Ex? There are some companies that can make them up into cushions/teddy bears, which could be a nice way to remember their dad, rather than his ashes.

How close were the kids if it all with their father? Did they have regular contact with him? Have they stayed the kids can't go, or is it you don't want them to go without you? I'm not a fan of splitting ashes to be honest- I prefer the idea they are all spread at the same time and place.

My Mum died last year, she forbade my dc from being present at the hospital when she was dying, from attending the funeral and from attending the wake. From my Mum's perspective she didn't want to be seen 'dying' and felt that wakes and funerals are no place for children. For me it was a total nightmare as I'm a single mum and I really struggled to spend time with Mum and be there for my dc. I almost boycotted the funeral but still went. Dc was incredibly hurt and felt super excluded (she had never met most of her extended family). All in all it made an already difficult time tenfold worse that needed tobe.

These were Mum's wishes so I followed them. Had they been another family members wishes, I'd have ignored them and taken her. Let the children go would be my advice. So sorry for your loss xx

Hi Velvet. I don't mean to hijack your post but it really rang true with me and a similar problem I'm having at the moment. My ExDH took his own life on the 13th May after many, many years of mental health problems..His funeral is Friday. He has had a new partner for around 5 years and she (and her mother) have said vis email that I am not welcome at the crematorium or wake. Our children (14 & 10) want to attend and I want to be there to support them. His partner and I do not have a good relationship, and the children used to see her every 6 weeks or so. They are saying they don't want me there as they found 'toxic' messages on his phone from me (implying I had something to do with his death) this is simply not true, yes there were argumentative texts as any ex couple have but nothing 'toxic'.

What do I do? his parents have handed total control of organising things over to her and her family. The funeral is 130 miles from any other family and friends. And his children. I can't bear the thought of them being there without me supporting them...