How do you actually separate/divorce?

[StonedRoses]

I know there are lots of people on here who’ve been through similar or have good advice so I wonder if anyone can help explain to practically how you go about this. I know about the legal side, it’s how you actually do and fund it.

For very complex reasons (to complex to explain briefly here but all trust has gone) my marriage has broken down. No one else involved (that I know of). I want a separation, my partner less so. We have a primary school aged child.

How do I go about the first steps. I earn a fair bit more than my partner and will of course pay everything I should and won’t be messing about with this. I pay the majority of the money into the joint account. I want to make sure my partner isn’t left high and dry. But even on a decent salary I don’t think I can afford to rent a flat (needs to be two bedroom so our child can stay) and pay the mortgage on this. So how do I move out? I can hardly kick my partner out. In the long run I guess we have to sell the house. I could afford the mortgage but not my partner. I’d be happy to give them the house if it helped us rebuild our lives, but even if I gave them my share they couldn’t pay the monthly bills without my help, and I’d have limited funds for my own rent or mortgage.

And then there’s childcare. I’d like to go for 50:50 and try to be the best co-parents we can. But I do blocks of evening and night work every few weeks (NHS) so can’t do say mon-wed every week without external help - which again I can’t afford and don’t want. We don’t have any family who could help nearby.

And finally how do you fund the actual divorce. I know it can cost tens or even hundreds of thousands of pounds. I have a small savings pot (inheritance) but it’s not huge. My partner has just a small ISA.

Sorry for so many questions. I know I’ll be happier on my own but I don’t understand how I can actually get out. It feels like we’re staying together because I can’t work out how to leave.

The legal process doesn't actually have to cost ££££ that all depends on how reasonable both parties are. My legal bill was over £30k but that's because my XH fought me on every last detail and took me to court fir everything you can think of and more besides. My friend OTOH had a very straightforward divorce as they agreed everything between themselves.
You will need to work out finances and include things like tax credits, child benefits etc - if you do go 50:50 and you let your X claim for those then you can negotiate that they guarantee their 50% time with DC is when you are working, that kind of thing. Don't just hand things over, they are all negotiations as things may not stay as amicable as they are now. You may financially need to sell the house - I couldn't afford mine but could with tax credits so I got to keep it. Current financial situations can change and so can your lifestyle so it is definitely do-able. Bills etc are less with only one adult.

Divorce doesn’t need to cost thousands.
As to how you start - you need to decide how can divorce.
As there is still no no-fault divorce in England - you’ll either have to have a list of few ‘unreasonable’ behaviours; or adultery; or have a 2years separation.
Google examples of unreasonable behaviours - they are a formality, but need to be there.
Then you file a petition. Solicitor can help with that and it’s not a huge cost.
Your H then gets a notice that you filed and can chose to accept that you did, or contest.
If he contests - I think you’ll have to wait a certain period before you can get divorced.
If he doesn’t contest - you proceed to next step.
You can try to make financial and child care agreements directly with him - w/o involving lawyers in negotiations. Only getting them involved after you reached an agreement.
And given your work schedule - I am sure you and your H can find a way around it.

You can't keep tax credits now when you split up. I know because I'm currently splitting up and have checked. A partner moving out is classed as 'change of circumstances' and your claim will close. It is not possible to claim again as a single person as there are no new claims for tax credits now - they're on their way out. You then have to apply for UC which in my case is crap as not eligible. They're are some exceptions I think to being able to stay on tax credits such as if you are claiming disability element.

Thanks. Some good advice. I will make an appointment to see a solicitor. I would like to have as much in place as possible before actually separating.

What will happen once I tell my partner that’s what I want? I presume that we will have to stay in the house together until all is sorted? How do we make that work without constantly yelling at each other? Neither of us claim any benefits at present, I don’t know if that would change post divorce. My partner could increase their hours (dropped when we had a child) but in reality they hate their job and want to be a stay at home parent. That’s been one of the many arguments. We can just about afford this at the moment on my salary but I don’t think I can afford it if running two houses.

Once you've separated into two households you will both be responsible for your own bills, mortgage/rent etc. Spousal maintenance is fairly rare and unlikely to apply if your spouse is working so it's really a question of splitting assets, so any equity in the house, pensions, savings etc.

Your spouse on a lower income will have to increase it through working more or benefits and cut their cloth according. This is where many people (usually women) struggle after divorce if they've stopped working or gone very part time, their former spouse is in a much stronger position with a higher income, ability to get a mortgage etc.

You might agree that your spouse gets a higher percentage of the equity, I did because dc live with me, but if they can't get a mortgage to buy you out and release your share that won't work (worked well for me because it meant a smaller mortgage), you could retain your interest in the property and stay on the mortgage until the dc are older, but this will effect you getting a mortgage on another property. There are lots of options, if you can agree without the courts the cost can be a few thousand and not tens of thousands.

Can you do some swooping around and have separate bedrooms, or share with dc? You are going to both need some space in the house if you're going to live together while you separate and divorce, that's going to be hard, usually the main caregiver to the child stays and the other parent moves out, if that's not possible or affordable then you might need to rearrange bedrooms and agree some ground rules.