How to help friend see multiple red flags

[SistersKeeper12]

Best friend left emotionally abusive marriage of 30 years and within weeks met and moved in a man she met in a bar.
So many red flags but he love bombed her when she was vulnerable and now he is her world. Her sons hate him, so she cut them out. Any friend who says a word against him gets cut off, so I need to be careful how I handle this.

Red flags include:
He moved in claiming to own his own company and be wealthy, this was not true and he barely has a penny to his name.
He left his first wife when she got diagnosed with cancer (his children revealed this) and left her with two kids and then refused maintainence and tried to force her to sell the family home. Court threw it out. He reasoned he married to be a husband not a carer. Kids are slowly rebuilding their relationship with him which is why this was revealed.
He has asked to have his name on the mortgage despite contributing less than he would pay for a room he rented. She is still considering this.
He compares friend to second ex wife (she was thinner, more adventurous etc)
He make crude comments to friends (including me)
He hates her family and has slowly isolated friend from them over last 2 years.
They drink huge amounts daily which is new for her.

I see what is happening, she doesn't and is besotted. I am so worried she is going to lose her friends, family and financial stability and be left with nothing. How can I help her see what is happening without her cutting me off?

Anyone any experience of this or what I should do? I care about my friend and am so worried.

You would have more luck beating a dead horse than in ever getting through to her. I would tell her the truth and let the chips fall where they may, but I certainly wouldn't support the relationship.

Show her what you have written above?

Ask her to consider the future? What does she envisage?

Show her evidence of the crude comments?

You’re probably on a hiding to nothing, OP, but you could try gently drip feeding “innocent” remarks and see if they sink in.
For example: “Gosh, friend, you’re so noble, giving up your family and friends for that chap. I don’t think I could sacrifice everything for a man”
“You’re so sweet, never criticising his alcoholism, and risking your own health to drink with him”
“How generous and trusting you are, putting him on the mortgage. I could never risk losing my home like that”
Maybe over time the penny will start to drop...?

two good articles

post them on facebook, [if you want, amend settings so that only she sees them

lovebombing

manipulative techniques

These articles are ''magazine style'' so they don't look too serious, they don't look like you're STAGING an intervention.

I was in an abusive relationship, I left it over a decade ago now but it's hard to think what simple thing somebody else could have said or done that would have made me believe that I could be alone and be strong and be happy and optimistic.

But self-efficacy is an important part of self-esteem, so, making decisions in some way can build confidence. Can you spare a day to let her decide whether or not to go abseiling or ziplining. It may sound totally disconnected, bit of a curve ball here, but I think that feeling powerful, feeling strong, a surge of adrenaline.... those things made me feel I had some power to change my life. That changing my life was not just something other people could do. That was how I felt at the time. If you'd told me about somebody who'd left their abusive bf and created a new life, I would have thought, ''it's ok for other people'', ie, I thought that things would work out for other people but not for me. So, if I were trying to get a friend to leave that sort of situation now, or dump a love bomber after an abusive relationship, I'd first of all work on getting her to feel that she IS the type of person who can change her life. So, discussions that dig deep, if she'll allow it might be the way to go. I would have allowed those conversations if nobody put me on the spot and said ''why don't you leave *dickhead??

link to articles about self-efficacy

This was the missing piece for me. I knew I deserved to be treated well and I knew I had 'worth' but the fear that I had no power to change MY OWN LIFE kept me stuck with a dickhead.

I think a few years ago I would have said to try and be supportive and just be there for her as that's all you can do. I feel very differently about this now (and I'm saying this as someone who has been in many abusive relationships).

Some people I feel are lost to their 'codependance' and no matter what you say, their abuser will twist it into you being jealous of them, a bad friend etc and you end up playing into their hands and making the situation worse. I've also found people who are in these relationships can be extremely draining and expect others to be on constant demand to listen to their problems whilst remaining in complete denial about the fact that they are consciously choosing to ignore blatant red flags and accept they are enabling the abuse (unless they want to leave but there are barriers to this which is very different).

I would let them know the red flags you have spotted and if they choose to stay in the relationship, then i'd distance myself from that friendship. It becomes exhausting to constantly have to pick up the pieces and be the bad guy when they get back together and all is forgiven.

No one can be 'saved' unless they are making a conscious decision to wake up to the warning signs and do something about it. Then you can step back in and be there for them.

If tour friend is anything like my sister, they will remain in a constant loop of abusive relationships and lose everyone close to them because they prioritise their abuser over the impact on the people closest to them. I've sadly had to walk away.