Anyone gone NC and feel GUILTY

[Springfern]

I'm seen it reassurance, tips, simular experiences...

I've been NC/low contact with DM and DF for 2-3 years. There was physical and emotional abuse in my childhood and, as an adult, the relationships were still really toxic. I read on here a lot of people who have gone NC and feel amazing and relieved and like they can be autonomous and finally move on with their lives.

I do NOT feel any of these things (or only feel them very rarely). Instead I feel guilty and cruel and like I am over reacting, I continually doubt myself and my reasons for NC and wondering if I'm just being difficult. I know where all this comes from, the emotional abuse that took place revolved a lot around my parents invalidating me, telling me I was crazy, minimising and denying physical violence and also some f**ked up neglect (for example I was v violently sexually assault age 14 and the whole family ignored it) etc. So I know this is why I now invalidate myself now ...or 'gaslight' myself as I sometimes call it (a recipe for total craziness!).

I also dont really feel separate and autonomous yet. I still feel as if my DM is living inside my head, almost every big decision I make is overshadowed by me wondering if she'd approve or disparage (this happens almost unconsciously and I'm only aware of it if I think back and reflect)

Anyone else..? Anyone else gone NC but still feel cruel and guilty? Anyone else NOT feel free and autonomous? Anyone else still feel judged and subconciously seek approval from by DM and DF even though you don't even sees them?

And for people who have come out the other end of all this, how did you get there?

Oh god yes. There is a reason why the FOG (fear obligation guilt) has its own term, because you get stuck it in. Even years after my own NC, I feel it. I just hold on to the fact that actually having contact with her would be 100 times worse the. Dealing with the FOG.

My guess is that having spent your entire life being programmed into living for them you are now free and have zero idea who you are. You have been told your value, what to feel and how to act. Now that they aren’t here, you are unsure how YOU act.

So you feel lost, confused and the narrative is still there making you wonder if they were right all along.

This period is hard, because not only are you dealing with the shit show with going NC but you have to now start to understand who you are as your own person. Which is tough and requires a lot of trial and error but you do get there in the end.

Once you understand who you are, get rid of the negative narrative about yourself as you realise that they really were bat shit crazy, the FOG will lesson.

Unfortunately it might always be there in a small way, but the rational part of you will
Win out.

The FOG! I'd never heard of that but it's pretty much exactly it. I've just been googling it.

And yes it's like I have no idea who I actually am. Which feels kind of pathetic at 30 years old.

I hope what you say is true Aussiebean and that the FOG will lessen. Well done for going NC yourself and dealing with your own FOG

Yes. You'll probably always feel guilty because you are a nice human being.

But it's not enough to go back. Don't do it to yourself. I went NC 10 years ago and after initially feeling guilty for a decent time, now I don't a bit. Particularly after they tried to force themselves into my daughters life whilst still treating me appallingly.

No. Way. Keep strong and remember how much better your life is without them in it.

Sorry. You won't always feel guilty. It will pass.

NC with siblings. DS was a mother figure to me.

It is a process. There is certainly an element of grieving that needs to be done. NC is forced upon us because the alternative is unbearable but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t mourn the loss of what we thought/wished we had.

I am over 3 years in. I completely broke down just before Christmas last year and self refered for CBT. It helped me work through the self narrative and was the best thing for me. I finally found a way to forgive not only them but myself too. But the biggest help was learning how to stop ruminating and the constant going over of things and just accept that this is how it is.

The last 3 months I have made some big life changes. The realisation that I have done this on my own without the need for approval has been freeing and I do feel so much lighter.

I find myself thinking about the good times (there were some) and speaking fondly of my childhood memories to my own children without the bitterness.

I still feel guilty sometimes and was in the FOG stage for a long time. When that feeling comes back I remind myself that initially I only had 2 choices - keep letting her treat me like shit or walk away.

When the guilt feeling surfaces the thing that brings me back to my senses is to imagine making contact with her and breaking the ice, I love the idea of this and imagine how I would like it to be but then I imagine visiting her over time, listening to her voice, seeing the hatred return in her eyes, listening to the little digs starting to re-surface and me returning them, visualising her passive agressive crap and remembering how it made me feel and so on. It can take me days to go through these stages because I really do want a good relationship with her but it's a fantasy, the woman I want that relationship with doesn't exist, only a jealous, nasty, deceitful, hateful woman full of rage that looks like her. When I come to realise this again I get my big sigh of relief and feel at peace with my decision...until the next time and then I go through the process again.

That's a good description of it wWeweed. I get really lonely and jealous when I see or hear about other people and there happy families, I also am kind of secretive around colleagues etc and feel like I have to hide the fact that I'm NC otherwise they'll think I'm a weirdo. And then all that makes me start thinking oh I should just call her, I'm just being silly, if I got back in touch we'd have a lovely relationship, we will talk through everything and sort things out...and then I imagine this lovely woman being my mother (a person she will NEVER be) and have to shake myself out of it by reminding myself of all her crap. But that upsets me to because then I feel like I'm sitting her stewing in anger and that the only one hurting is me.

This post is helping a lot though, it's really good to hear that FOG is just a phase. I hope that I can reach some sort of calm or indifference or acceptance or something

I did make contact again after 2 years of NC with my sister. We spoke our problems through but she never really committed to an acknowledgement of them. She had spent the two years spreading such hate that relationships with my nieces and nephews were irreparable. Still I thought that we could find a common ground and things might get better over time.

It only took about 3 months before it all started again. She didn’t invite me to a big celebration and when my dad asked her why, she told him that she had been trying to contact me but I was ignoring her. (I’d had not a missed call, email or text at all) My dad then began giving me the silent treatment. I had no idea that the event had taken place or why I was being spoken to until one day, when I went to visit my parents and Mum told me that Dad had gone out due to me coming. It was then that the lie came out along with many others.

I immediately went unapologetically NC again and for me that was that. She has had a baby and I didn’t acknowledge the birth. That led to another spell of ST for my dad as he couldn’t get over that I couldn’t at least acknowledge the birth. My brother barely talks to me but lives at home still so we are cordial at best. I am in contact with them simply because of my DM. We have a mutual respect over the whole thing but I would be lying if I didn’t say that it hasn’t placed a strain on our relationship.

I will never need to wonder or hope that she has changed. If 2 years wasn’t enough for her to self reflect then 20 years won’t be either. I believe if it does ever happen, that is when I will hear from her and at least get some acknowledgement but it hasn’t been happened yet.

I am still in the fog with my dad. Some days he can be the most loving person and I feel like daddy’s little girl again but it all depends on if he sees fit to. I find it harder trying to negotiate having contact with him so that it can be as positive as possible than I do having NC.

At least with NC, you draw a line under it and ride the grief train. With Low contact, it’s like you are riding a wave going backwards and forwards and your emotionally stability and confidence is the cliff being constantly eroded away.

Just another thought... (sorry I am ranting) but I have been asked a couple of times, what will you do if they get seriously ill? I have thought about this a lot and the answer is nothing. The mental anguish caused by her made me very ill to the point of mental exhaustion and even suicidal thoughts. Where was she when I was really ill? Sending more abuse and lies and then stating that the fact I needed counselling, backed up the lies that she had made about me to the point where her daughter text me to say that “after I had sought help for my mental health condition, she would be expecting a full apology for the way that I had behaved” - despite us not even having a conversation and everything she had been told was coming from her mum. So yes! My answer is absolutely nothing.

I get really lonely and jealous when I see or hear about other people and there happy families

This is something you can train yourself out of, it takes time but can be done