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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What more can i do!!

23 replies

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 17:37

I am divorced and have 2 young children with my ex husband. The children live with me and visit him, we have a court order and i have a residency order. But even after years of being separated he is still as aggressive and manipulative as ever. I have been ignoring all this nastiness but its really not got any better at all. Even with a court order he still behaves horrendously, i missed the change of getting a restraining order and now i dont believe it would meet the criteria. There are no outside agencies that can help.
I have been going "Gray rock" but that also makes little difference, is there any thing else anyone else has done??!!. I am so bored of it now, i know there isnt an easy solution but sometimes i feel as if he still controls me. Any advise from anyone whos been in a similar situation?? thank you

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/06/2019 17:40

How often are you communicating with him and by what means?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 17:45

Only via a book and text but only when completely necessary. Communication is a huge issue, as he will deliberately with hold it or become really nasty just to control. He has been warned about his behaviour, but it makes little if any difference.

OP posts:
Foxmuffin · 01/06/2019 17:47

What is it specifically that’s the problem? Making arrangements? Handovers?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 17:54

Honestly its everything! he hates me and i mean hates me (i have actually done nothing wrong). Hes started to return the children early but will leave me unsure of when he will return them or if he will return them. We use the school for drop offs and picks up (so we dont meet) but because the kids want to come back early we end up meeting. For various reasons i would much rather the children were with me, and he knows that, which he uses against me. SS have been involved regarding his behaviour towards the children, he was asked to communicate with me as it would ease my concerns, but of course he doesn't and enjoys the concern i have.

So yes handovers, arrangements etc etc

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2019 18:17

Unfortunately you've given him the power to still control by wanting the DC back. Use the school for handovers and do not deviate...

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 18:33

RandomMess its complicated, there have been serious safeguarding concerns regarding the children (ss and police involvement) SS minimised his behaviour but (do have concerns, just not enough evidence , but the truth is any parent would have hated sending the children back into that environment. Im kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place with it all. If he was a positive roll model or even mediocre than it would all be easier to swallow. But truth is his behaviour is detrimental to the children, they know hes not quite right. I have never said but they have picked up on it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2019 18:39

Do you have records of the DC asking to come back early regularly and him returning them, are they several years older than last time contact was CO? Could it be time to take it back to court to reduce the length of contact?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 18:51

Its only been a year, been to court 4 times regarding the children, the last order was designed so that we didn't meet.

Yes its always in text, since ss involvement they have been returned early nearly every time and one of the days totally cancelled.

Is there anything small i can do to help the situation. Just feel controlled and bullied. Its just like having this massive toxic thing over my head at all times.

OP posts:
KTara · 01/06/2019 18:56

I have a similar issue although the means of control are different. What I am trying, and I have only just started to try this, is to stop trying to fix the situation. By which I mean, instead of telling yourself his behaviour is awful, controlling and manipulative, and you should close it down more and not let him get to you, acknowledge you have done everything you can and that he is a controlling person and it is okay to feel awful after seeing him. Add to this positive self talk that you are coping really, really well with a difficult situation, that you have negotiated SS and police involvement (and these organisations do not necessarily help even if people assume they do), and that DC feel safe with you. The interests of DC override your own interests, so if DC want to come home, then they need to be able to do this. This means you have to cope with uncertainty and with meeting him. It is good that they can say they can come home.

Rather than fighting his behaviour, maybe be gentle on yourself and accept you have done all you can to make things manageable and focus on the time you do have to yourself and DC. What are the things you do after contact to recover? How many times does anyone tell you, or do you tell yourself, that you are doing well? Rather than it should have stopped by now. It won’t stop, because otherwise it would never have started.

You cannot make it stop and it is setting yourself an impossible task to try. The police, SS and the courts have not made it stop, and you have got heroically far by the sounds of it. Be proud of yourself for that.

So the question is what do you do for yourself now, given that you cannot fix this situation any further? Not how can you fix this situation further.

Does that make sense? You cannot fix a problem which you have not created and which the law perpetuates (because contact is ordered). You can only fix how you respond and minimise the effect. Get counselling for the trauma if you have not already done it. Work out what home-coming rituals you can have for DC to mark the transition from weekend to home. If he is routinely dropping them on Sunday, can you go back to court and ask for a Sunday drop off? If you face that head on, that he wants to unsettle you with the uncertainty of Sunday drop offs, then you reduce its power. Maybe he would then shift the uncertainty to earlier in the weekend - who knows? So maybe do nothing and focus on the things you do know.

I am wondering if you gain power by accepting that his shit behaviour could happen and you could cope with it, and doing other things to make you stronger - meditate, exercise, see friends, all of those things which are bigger and more important parts of your life than him.

RandomMess · 01/06/2019 18:58

Use a third party for early drop off? Hard to know without you stating when he is dropping them off etc. I would even pay a childminder or family friend to be available to have them so you don't have to deal with them plus he doesn't have the "pleasure" of thinking he's inconvenienced/controlled you...

How old are the DC?

Foxmuffin · 01/06/2019 19:09

I agree with PP could you use a GP or friend for handovers? It sounds a bit like he likes the control from inconvencing you.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 19:59

I employed a child minder to do the hand overs, he did it once and then cancelled seeing them on those days!! Its hard to use a child minder when hes constantly changing his plans about returning them.

I have a lot of family and friends but i dont ask them to facilitate contact as i know he lies and i would be concerned that i was putting them in a difficult situation. Also he has refused to drop the children else where when i have asked.

The children are 4 and 5.

KTara

I think your right about every thing you say, but its hard feeling controlled and the uncertainty of it all. Iv been hoping things would get better!! SS involvement made him even more angry, he said i had kept the children from him!! This is not true SS told him he could see the children until they fully investigated the issue, if i had allowed him to see them they would have been put on a child in need/protection order. Just for context i was met at the school by ss and the police, the issue was a level 4 child protection issue, basically serious shit!! It was terrible really really horrible, but i protected the children and continue to do that now. So even though its hellish living with this uncertainty and being at his beck and call, i would sooner the children were returned early as i know they are safe with me.

There is a history of domestic abuse and him displaying bizarre behaviour, i have also recently learnt that he takes drugs!!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2019 20:00

Does he not have fixed contact days?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 20:02

Yes he does, but he returns them early on a lot of them.

There is also a low level of neglect and emotional abuse from him towards the children. As a parent he is very very uncaring and dismissive of them, it breaks my heart its so so sad.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2019 20:06

Seriously just employ the childminder record him cancelling contact and go back to court.

If he won't return them to someone else then he can't return early...

You've found out he's taking drugs, he cancels and regularly returns early. It's been a year I would take it back to court... you can ask for drugs testing to be done, back to a contact centre etc.

You need to focus on long term! Let him hang himself on the noose he is making.

Thanks
JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 20:12

Randam Mess

Thank you, thats exactly what my solicitor said. I carnt employ a child minder as its weekend contact (she doesnt work then) and he just constantly changes when their returning. Thank god iv got a job i can move my hours around!!

My solicitor and i have talked about him having a psychological testing as there is deffo something else going on here. But practically its hard to get him to have one, so realistically its very unlikely. We have also talked about him taking a drugs test but as she has said he would ensure he was clean at the time he was tested. Hes so so manipulative. Shes suggested i bind my time a bit.

OP posts:
Caselgarcia · 01/06/2019 20:13

Could you pretend he's doing you a favour by returning them early ie. 'great, yes of course you can return them home I've really missed them'. He's obviously trying to be difficult, but if you don't engage in his twattery he may realise its backfired. Don't show any irritation but make loads of fuss of the kids saying how you've missed them and are glad they are back.

RandomMess · 01/06/2019 20:14

So what is the fixed contact that he has?

KTara · 01/06/2019 20:27

Believe me, I know it is horrible and I speak from having had similar experience and it still going on.

I think from what you have said there are two responses which are not mutually exclusive.

The first is as and when the situation warrants it, go back to court: I do not say that lightly as I know it is horrendously stressful and you need evidence etc. But that remains a possibility and it would seem a sensible one, particularly if contact is routinely being curtailed by him.

However, this will not resolve the problem completely because even with minimal contact, there will still be ways he can mess with your head. And the conclusion I have reached in my own situation is that this is up to me somehow in the way I cope. Because the toxic mess over your head really belongs to him, not you.

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 20:28

EOW, day in the week for tea and half all holidays.

Caselgaricia If i showed my delight he just wouldnt return them early. I dont show any irritation and never reply to his raging messages.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2019 20:31

What pick up and drop off times on what days and from/to where?

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 01/06/2019 20:32

Ment to be from school on a friday and drop to school on a monday.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/06/2019 20:34

So what day does he drop them off early? During the weekend or the week as well?

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