very long term step parent issues!

[toadstool]

My father married his 2nd wife 30 years ago (I'm 38), they split up about 15 years ago and he seems to have been having an affair hen with the woman he is still with, his former secretary. I never got on with SM1, and she hated me. I was the rival to her DD, who is 2 yrs older and who my dad adopted. However she was always all over my brother. We last saw each other 17 years ago at my SS' wedding. She spent hr time giving me death stares and demanding sympathy forhow much she had 'suffered'. Anyhow, my bro is now fed up with our dad so has renewed contact with SM1. He reported that they had acosy evening slagging me off. She genuinely blames me for (as she sees it) creating tensions in her marriage and for both her and my dad playing off me against her daughter - Please note we only spent school holidays together, and then only the long ones. I feel very angry that this woman is re-entering my life. She's now offering my bro some of her furniture. I think he's being v naive if he thinks this is ever going to help anyone- in fact, SM2 is a very nice woman and I get on well with her, but my bro hasn't bothered to get to know her. I smell a rift on its way and would like t avoid it. Does anyone have any suggestions about what is going on? Sorry for rambling.

tricky situation.

where do you anticipate the rift? between you and your brother?

if so, i'd just speak to him and explain that you'd really rather not having more to do with SM1 so please don't report back on any aspects of his continuing relationship with her.

offer to do the same wrt to your having a good relationship with sm2.

if you're concerned about a rift between your brother and father then i'm not really sure you can do anything beyond talking to them both and suggesting any solutions that might be there for whatever issues they're having. if they're hell bent on falling out and won't listen to reason then i'd advise not getting drawin into it.

same thing, talk to both and tell them you won't be taking sides and you want to continue a good relationship with them both.

fwiw, my relationship with my SM is very sporadic as my father died when i was 17 and we live at different ends of the country.

i am a bit sad about it as i really like her and her kids. we all have kids of our own now and i wish we could all get together a bit more frequently and keep in touch better.

my SM always sends cards and gifts at xmas and we talk once or twice a year on the phone but she remains distant otherwise.

i think she finds it hard as she and my father were immensley in love and he died very suddenly.

sorry, i've digressed a bit!

hope things work out okay for you.

Yes, it's a rift between me and my bro I'm worried about. There's aggression in there vs both me and our mother (he told her about SM1's revelation last month that she'd had a miscarriage way back when. I told him not to tell our mother - it's not her business, and it would hurt her-). You're right, I probably need to say to him that I respect his decisions, but I don't want him to update me on them! In fact, looking at my post, the key issue is that a woman I've been happy to forget is now being shoved back in my face!

And I'm sorry that you have a distant relationship with your SM. It seems so hard to keep communication clear in thesesituations, there's always another story, another set of emotions and anxieties, in the background. At least, she keeps in touch, and that's a good thing.