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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Groping me awake.

10 replies

Bluedeepwaters · 01/06/2019 10:34

This morning my boyfriend came to wake me up (he had already been out with the dog) got in to bed and I woke up to him groping my legs and bum. I am a very heavy sleeper due to medication i take so it took me a while to be able to move away. It wasn't nice and really has upset me.

I spoke to him and he said I've said before about us having morning sex which is true however to me surely both people should be fully awake?! He thinks i'm over reacting, am I? but my trust is going/gone.

Several times now my bf has come up to me and touched me telling me how much he fancies me. This is fine but I don't like it when I am half asleep at 7am trying to make a cup of tea (he'll come from behind and touch my bum) and i do NOT feel sexy. His response is 'well i can't come on to you at all' which i feel is unfair.

It is the only thing in our relationship that causes tension. I feel very guilty that I am not always enthusiastic when he comes on to me (bad timing) and he feels rejected.

Am I over-reacting? I've said my bit so shall i just accept it was a genuine mistake?

Thanks

OP posts:

pallasathena · 01/06/2019 11:48

You are allowed to have personal boundaries and you don't need anyone's permission to enforce those boundaries, to reject anyone who violates those boundaries.
You need to do something about your sense of self worth, self confidence, understanding of what is right and what is wrong. If his advances feel wrong then they ARE wrong.
Stop second guessing yourself and adopt a more confident, assertive, kick-ass attitude op.
Seriously.

yiskasha · 01/06/2019 11:48

You're not overreacting. He shouldn't have done this to you. I'm sorry.

mummmy2017 · 01/06/2019 12:04

Tell him, maybe he should kiss you, may be a greeting, I really do mean a small peck on the cheek like you'd give a friend, so you know he is maybe wanting to take things further, which would give you the chance to then kiss him and show him you want to take things further as well...

category12 · 01/06/2019 12:17

Him choosing to grope you while you're making tea, (hello, boiled kettle!?) isn't really about him trying to come on to you, tho, is it? It's about touching you up when you're not able to respond. He doesn't want you to be able to. Same with groping you awake.

If he thought you looked sexy making tea, he could easily say you look gorgeous and would you like to put those things down so he can kiss you (or whatnot).

Basically he's on a power trip and it's not about what he says it is.

AllOverIt · 01/06/2019 12:47

Anything that makes you feel like this is wrong. You need to set firm boundaries that he is not to touch you like this if he's awake and you're asleep / sleepy.

YANBU

ThatCurlyGirl · 01/06/2019 12:49

OP how long have you been together? And is this a recent change in behaviour or has he always been this way?

AbandonedBirdHouse · 01/06/2019 12:51

This is the way my exh used to treat me, OP. He would make me feel like I was rejecting his advances, even though he didn't acknowledge what actually made me feel like returning his "affection" (hint - it wasn't when I was in the middle of a tricky/dangerous/difficult task)

It was part of a much, much bigger problem that eventually culminated in domestic violence. It took me a long time to see him for the abusive bastard he is.

TheSmallAssassin · 01/06/2019 12:52

well i can't come on to you at all - it's not like this is the only way to come on to you!

The whole purpose of coming on to someone is to get them in the mood, going in for an unexpected grope while you're half asleep or doing something else doesn't do it for you (unsurprisingly!) so he needs to find a better way by using his imagination or by listening to you. And it would still be ok for you to say no! He needs to do better, not you. Though given the way he's behaved I can't see him wanting to be any better and stop putting it all on you.

Anothernick · 01/06/2019 13:59

We have an informal rule that we can grope at any time without asking first but if it's not welcome we stop immediately. Together 30 years, married 27.

BayandBlonde · 01/06/2019 14:15

My ex was like this and this was the only element of our relationship that caused tension but it was enough for me to say I've had enough. I'm now happily single and not having to worry about being groped and pestered for sex every morning. It's bliss!

I'm not saying leave him but he needs to respect your feelings, though I get the feeling it will just fall on his deaf ears.

Sex pests are really unattractive and a massive turn off.

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