Not invited to friends 40th birthday party

[sleepyawake]

I've been upset and worrying about this for a week so don't know where else to post. My friend (for 7 years) and another mutual pal are having a joint 40th party, a big thing hiring a bar in the city centre. The mutual pal I get on with, we chat fine but she's always seemed a little distant.

Another friend asked me the other day if I was going to their party, I knew nothing about it till she mentioned it. We haven't fallen out, and I don't want to ask her why she hasn't invited me as it's her priority. I'm just upset and hurt that my friendship to her and all our nights out etc over the years have been wasted.

Just really needing a way to stop thinking about this and get over it. It's been in my head all week and really getting me down. I have episodes of depression as it is and this has really raised my anxiety levels and got me thinking other people don't like me too. I don't know what I'm imagining now or if they really are against me.

Went Dr's yesterday and got prozac as can feel it coming back bad for a couple weeks now and this has just pushed me over. Help, what should I do?

Could your invite have been missed? Just meet up with your friend and say ‘Dawn mentioned your party the other day, I haven’t had an invite - have you forgotten me?’ Her face will tell you your answer. I hope it’s a genuine mistake

Yes, agree - you need to ask her. It's most likely just an oversight although of course it is possible that there's a nothing reason though. You won't be able to move on from this and continue to be friends though unless you find out. Is there another mutual friend you could speak to if you want moral support to do this in a tactful and non-confrontational way?

You need to ask outright. Not saying anything is hurting your mental health as you are sat there worrying and being down on yourself.

Either you were not invited on purpose (and if that is the case then you can deal with that) or your invite was lost. Either way you will know and be free of all this harmful doubt.

It's definitely not that I've been forgotten, I've seen them both recently on school runs and they've just said hi and made small talk. They were Facebook invites. We aren't really good friends, but pals who go out together in a group sometimes. Another person in our group also hasn't been invited. It's not an accident, it just upsets me that I thought we were closer than she obviously does. I would have invited her to mine. I'm not going to ask her, that would just be awkward and I don't want a pity invite. I just want a way to move on to stop thinking about it all the time. Sorry ladies.

op

It happens to us all - you think you would be invited and you’re not. And it sucks. But if she didn’t invite someone else in your group maybe it’s a numbers thing

On the plus side you know from now on what your relationship is and can decide how you treat her
accordingly. I would stay friends but think twice before doing any massive favours for her

Take all the money you would have spent on s present and drinks, transport etc. and treat yourself to something lovely. And next time you see your friend ask her why you weren’t invited. Embarrass the cow, I would!

That's painful. Personally I wouldn't ask your friend about it. As for stopping thinking about it, you've suffered a heartache, it will ease in time.

Sorry for what you are going through and I hope you recover fully real soon. I have learnt that things are not always as they seem and the way we feel about a friend or person in general is not always reciprocated, in equal measure, or indeed at all. It can be a hard pill to swallow at times but it is what it is. In your shoes, I will not ask as knowing why is unlikely to make me feel any better so instead I will find a new thought or plan something to fill my head and time, sometime for me to enjoy on my own and/or with friends/family.

It sucks. I am so sorry. I was unwittingly involved with something similar recently (friend asked me if other friend was having a 40th.... she was, and I would have assumed the friend asking was one who would have been invited). I saw the look on my friends face and felt sick for her. I hate when people are excluded but if your friend is basically a nice person it’s not going to be deliberately leaving you out. It’ll be that she can’t invite everyone and you are probably someone whose company she really enjoys when she sees you but not someone she considers close, and that’s fine, it doesn’t lessen your worth or the fun you’ve had.

I know it doesn’t really help though. Be bright and breezy, carry on going on the nights out but maybe nurture a couple of closer friendships within the group?

Could you have a night out with the other person in the group who is also not going?

I've found that some people like to keep their various friends in groups and they don't like the groups to mix. So you might be in the 'good listener, go out for a coffee' section and they won't ever put you in the party animal section.
It's probably nothing at all about you, it's about them. Sorry it's made you feel shit

So sorry for you OP.
That is painful, but it can happen to most people bat some time in their life.

Try hard not to take it personally.

Try and arrange to do something nice for yourself.

Best of luck.

Id leave it dont let her know u are botherd about it.
My bestfriend did this to me with her daughters birthday then after went on to tell me all the other friends she had there. We are not bestfriends now, people are nasty at times ,just have to let it go for me its the best Way,yeah it hurts at the time but we get over it x

Sorry you are feeling so hurt. It is a horrible place to be. As someone said , it has happened to everyone sometimes. I know it makes you feel low., especially if you are feeling vulnerable.
Think of this - in a week or so, it won't even matter.

We aren't really good friends, but pals who go out together in a group sometimes i think there is your answer.

My friend (for 7 years) and another mutual pal are having a joint 40th party, a big thing hiring a bar in the city centre.

All venues have a maximum capacity so there will be a strict limit on the number of guests the venue allows. This number will then be split between them so they will only be able to invite a certain number of guests each & as you said, you aren't really good friends, but pals who go out together in a group sometimes.

You now know where your friendship stands. One of my best friends did this to me. Then bragged all over Facebook (with photos) of the party I wasn’t invited to. We’re not friends anymore. Sometimes you have to stand up and be counted. Don’t arrange anything with her again. Start focusing on other friendships. She’s not a nice person if she can leave you out like that

This thread has popped up on the same evening the "why have I been ghosted?" one has... two sides of the same coin for me.

Our "friendship" has not recovered. She keeps trying to reconnect but she clearly has no concept of just how much she hurt me. I ignore her now because I can't quite bring myself to tell her because I worry it'll sound petty - especially as there are those on this thread who will say "oh it was just a numbers/venue thing" or "you're being too sensitive".

This happened to me. The friend of ten years had been a bit distant. Then everyone in the friendship group was invited to her birthday dinner. They asked me if I was going as we had been best friends. I hadn't been invited. I explained that I didn't get invited and they were sure it was a mistake. I reassured them it wasn't. They asked her about it and she was then forced to invite me as the others in the group were sure it was a mistake and she didn't want them to know that she'd not invited me on purpose. I then had to go. It was awful. Neither of us wanted me there.
Guess how old we were, 15, 17... no late 30s.
I wouldn't mention it otherwise you will be forced to go to a party when neither of you want you there.

What happened mallorylaurel? Did you ever become friends again? Did you find out why you’d not been invited?

Try not to feel bad about yourself. I have people I was close to, who now treat me as if they barely know me and I have friends who think I’m absolutely wonderful.
Maybe it’s because I’m nearly 50, but I really don’t mind that I’m not some peoples’ cup of tea. I know I’m nice and normal, and I enjoy the company of people who like me.

I didn't try to continue the friendship as I began to realise that she wasn't very kind. She then became friends with another school mum who I wasn't keen on. It turned out this woman was really into cocaine. So I needed to distance myself from that group as my job depends upon reputation and I didn't want people to think I was into the lifestyle of Friday night is cocaine night. Anyway her friendship with that woman blew up as my ex friend is really anti drugs. I was really sad about it. Then the cocaine woman and another woman started spreading awful and untrue rumours about my ex friend. I think they did it about me as well because when I started to distance myself from them, all of a sudden some school mums I would just say hello to started avoiding eye contact with me. It was a really horrible time. The rumours I knew were really shocking. I just thought that I'm too old for this shit.