How to give up on having another child?

[SinkGirl]

We have twin boys who are 3 in September. They are both autistic and one has several other disabilities / health issues.

DH and I have been talking about whether we are done, since I need a hysterectomy and I can’t cope with contraception any more (he’s said he’s happy to have a vasectomy once we’ve decided until I can get my hysterectomy sorted as the waiting list may be a while).

I know there are myriad reasons not to have another child:

• Already have two children with additional needs
• we don’t know whether there’s a genetic cause got those issues
• higher likelihood of having multiples again
• would need to get a bigger car and convert the loft (although planning to do that in a few months anyway)
• worried I’m doing it partly for the wrong reasons (had a very difficult time when they were born, months in hospital etc)
• pregnancy has had a negative effect on my health
• not even sure I could get pregnant
• not sure the boys would understand or how they’d react

All of these things are irrefutable and the logical thing to do is not have another child... I know this, and yet I do want another child.

Why? Why can’t I just let this go? I’m finding it so difficult to accept the idea that I won’t have another child and the thought of permanent steps that would make it impossible make me so sad

DH is also on the fence, although probably more accepting of not having any more than I am.

Anyone been in this boat?

Sink I have read a lot of your posts in the past couple of years. You always come across as thoughtful and kind who has a lot to deal with with your two boys. If you and your husband want and can afford to have any child then go for it.

Sorry for typos!

I have a just 3 year old DS who is waiting for autism assessment, he is our only child.

I've spent the last 3 years dithering, wondering, worrying and being preoccupied with whether to have a second. It was made worse around 12/18 months ago when a lot of our friends/mum friends were moving onto their second.

In short we aren't having anymore, reasons why:
Horrible, traumatic delivery, massive pph, 3 degree tear. DH still struggles thinking about it, he thought I was dying.
Silent reflux, no sleep, PND. DS has at times been a shockingly bad sleeper and to say I've struggled would be an understatement.
Then added in potential additional needs of DS, which I have found 100 times worse coming to terms with than dealing with the PND. I adore him but he's destroyed my mental health, I constantly worry about him, and I worry my very lengthy, solid, happy marriage would be damaged beyond repair by another child, let alone another one with sen. I feel I can't take the risk.
We are comfortable financially, I am still a sahm, we won't need to move house, have plenty of disposable income, lovely holidays, and therefore can afford to pay privately for treatment/therapy for DS, mainly speech therapy.

In this time everything made me feel very inadequate that everyone was capable of having another child and was obviously a better mother than me. I have come to terms with it now, it's taken a while, I need to be the best version of myself for me, my husband and my son. I want us to be happy, to give DS everything we can offer him, time, money, energy.

Even with any additional needs, he's growing and becoming more independent, and I'm getting some of me back. I feel relief when I throw out/donate the next bit of baby/toddler equipment as we won't need it again, I don't feel anything when I coo over friend's new babies, I don't feel broody. If I do, I think it's feeling all gooey and hormonal of DS as a baby, I'd love an afternoon with him as a 4 week old again.

DS has been ill this week, nothing serious, just a virus but it's been hard work. DH does his fair share, but the thought of having a baby to contend with as well as DS, no thank you.

I'm sorry that's very long, do whatever is right for you and your family, we all have different wants, limitations and family dynamics. Best wishes for you and your boys.

For us, well for me, it was a sad but realistic slap in the face and an acceptance that Mother Nature was now screaming in my ear.. no longer whispering in my ear that this was not ever going to be a possibility.

It took 5 years to finally decide to go ahead and try for number 2.

Number one didn’t sleep, at all, ever. Extremely difficult behaviour matched with pnd, traumatic birth and a vision of motherhood so far removed from what I thought it would be that I may as well have moved to the moon.

After a succession of horrendous miscarriages and me hitting the grand old age of 42.
We had then gone through the world of reoccurring miscarriage clinics and their supposedly helpful knowledge and advice only to spectacularly miscarry yet again, I finally came to the conclusion that it was time to give up.

The miscarriage was the worse one yet due to the hormones, aspirin and blood thinners they thought would help. It took longer that all of the others.
I went to the gp and got the pill.
I was still bleeding and in pain.

Waiting for my next period in order to take the pill.
I felt so unwell, bleeding stopped.
I knew I had made the right decision.
Waited for my period some more, feeling more and more unwell.
Waited, no period.
Thought I must have retained some of the previous miscarriage. I was feeling so so unwell.

Nipped to early pregnancy assessment unit.
A scan showed..... a baby. A bloody fucking baby.
The baby I had given up ALL hope of having.
He’s 6 now.
I still can’t believe it. He is an absolute dream, wonderful!

Hmm, best idea I ever ever had!!

@SinkGirl how are your boys with each other and with other babies/toddlers? Are they verbal? Toilet trained? Are they likely to need a lot more attention and rely on you for everything or are they likely to be high functioning? Are they aggressive/violent/impulsive? All of these things would make me think carefully about the impact on a future child. Why do you need a hysterectomy? Would it be risky for you to have another pregnancy? How old and fit are you to cope with another baby alongside two toddlers with additional needs? Do you have time on your side to wait a couple of years? Do you have family support incase you have a difficult pregnancy/birth/c section? Do your boys go to nursery at all? Will they go to mainstream schools?

Our oldest is 10 he has high functioning autism, anxiety and ADHD. We had our second when he was only 2.5 so didn't have a diagnosis and although he was always challenging and a terrible sleeper we didn't know the full extent of his difficulties until he started school it became more obvious. Our 8yo is anxious but this is probably because he is often on the receiving end of his brother's impulsive and volatile behaviour! We did go for a third, despite the oldest having a diagnosis, as he was not violent or impulsive at that point and he seemed to be coping with school and life in general. She is only 18 months old and so far she isn't showing any obvious traits although I do sometimes worry she may end up being on the spectrum too!

It is very hard spreading myself and juggling their different needs though, our oldest has just been medicated for adhd a month ago and it is helping a little already so I hope that continues. The middle child because he is generally good and placid and amuses himself does miss out on my time a bit as the toddler is into everything now and the oldest had been self harming and running away from home and school so I am exhausted! I have had to not return from maternity leave to care for my oldest as he's only coping with 2 hours of school per day. I feel like I'm on a constant treadmill and never get a break from it! We are definitely done now, husband had the snip last year. I have had pangs of broodiness though and felt sad I won't be pregnant or have a baby again and go through all the firsts but I don't think I could juggle anymore fairly and it would impact on our current children too much so that's that.

There are always good reasons not to have another. But you're not done til you're done.

We ummed and aahed about having a second in early forties. We did and he's the love of all our lives. We can't afford to send dd to private school anymore. But in the grand scheme of life that doesn't seem so important now.

crosser I’m so sorry you had to go through all that. I’m so pleased that you had your DS after all of that suffering, though. How amazing.

paultry I completely understand what you’re saying and agree with so much of it. The last year has been so painful and worrying, but I do feel more hopeful - they’re still non-verbal but they’re making so much progress. Have you got portage involved? They have been life-changing for us.

boomer that’s such a lovely thing for you to say, thank you. We could afford it, we aren’t loaded but we are okay and no one would go without. I think it’s more about my time (and sanity).

Ordinarily I’d think that the benefits of having another sibling would outweigh many of the potential negatives, but I’m not sure. Since they regressed they don’t interact with each other much at all - right now they’ve been in their cots awake for nearly two hours, they’re lying there babbling away but both acting as if they’re alone in there. We are seeing glimpses but not much. We have two cats they totally ignore. They can get annoyed if they want a cuddle but I’m already cuddling their brother. They aren’t at all aggressive, they don’t have meltdowns etc but I don’t know whether that will change. I don’t want to take away time and attention they need from me. But then I think that they’ve come on so much since they started nursery, and if they had a NT sibling they might pick up a lot from them, but there are no guarantees another child (or children!) would be NT and I don’t know how well I’d cope mentally if I had another ND child. Maybe it would be easier because I’ve been through it, I know what to look for and what to do - or maybe it would be worse as I’d be paranoid and constantly looking out for signs.

I know the logical sensible thing to do is schedule my hysterectomy as soon as they can do it and get on with my life but just typing that brings tears to my eyes. Maybe it is just hormones!

I have an autistic dd, I was pregnant when she was picked up at age 2 screening. I was so overwhelmed the first few years I didn't want a third child, but many years later I do regret dd2 not having the change of another sibling because I have this feeling that should i become incapacitated (and most likely at some point of course) it's a burden on her that could have been shared. Dd1 could surprise us and live independently but at 20 shes still very reliant on me and h (stbexh) is not accepting her limitations never has and it's part of the reason we have separated. I suppose I'm saying listen to your heart not your head!

(I'm going back to dreaming I'll meet my knight in shining armour and I'm still fertile, both highly unlikely!)

Thank you for the questions, this is helping me to process it all

how are your boys with each other and with other babies/toddlers? they mainly ignore each other and other children, animals etc. They’re just not interested.

Are they verbal? no, not at all. We are starting PECS but only one is really taking to it

Toilet trained? No, not even close

Are they likely to need a lot more attention and rely on you for everything or are they likely to be high functioning? I think one will be higher functioning - he’s very intelligent and his social skills are slowly improving but he is completely non verbal at present (although PECS seems promising). His twin I’m not so sure - he’s been much more withdrawn and sensory seeking but he’s making progress too. He babbles much more and I believe he will start taking at some point.

Are they aggressive/violent/impulsive? not at all violent or aggressive - they snatch food from each other but don’t even push or shove each other so probably less aggressive than some other 2 year olds! They don’t have any awareness of danger at the moment though.

Why do you need a hysterectomy? I have endometriosis and adenomyosis. Have had many many surgeries and every treatment. Nothing has worked, and I can no longer function on hormonal contraception so I know the endo is worsening, periods are becoming completely unbearable, I’m on morphine every day but been on it so long that it doesn’t stop me from functioning (I reduced my dose massively when pregnant so on a lot less than I used to be). A hysterectomy wouldn’t stop the endo but would get rid of the adenomyosis and no more periods obviously.

Would it be risky for you to have another pregnancy? not that I’m aware of, I coped with the twin pregnancy okay (well it was absolute hell physically but I didn’t have any dangerous complications).

How old and fit are you to cope with another baby alongside two toddlers with additional needs? I’m 36, nearly 37. My health isn’t brilliant (ME, fibromyalgia allegedly but I think it’s actually a hormone issue as it improved massively during pregnancy and pumping and then got worse afterwards along with some other symptoms that suggest hormone issues)

Do you have time on your side to wait a couple of years? Technically yes due to age, but with the gynae issues it may be very difficult to conceive again, the longer I leave it, the more difficult it’s likely to be

Do you have family support incase you have a difficult pregnancy/birth/c section? No, only DH, but he works from home and is very hands on.

Do your boys go to nursery at all? currently 3 mornings a week, could increase it if I’m struggling. I work very part time which is flexible.

Will they go to mainstream schools? I don’t know. We are going to look at specialist schools next week as some start at 3. I’m hoping that going to one now may mean they can go to mainstream from reception or year 1 as they’ve come on a lot even with nursery, I think a higher ratio with better facilities etc could make a big difference.

There are just so many unknowns - how do you make a decision like this when you don’t know if your children will be talking, toilet trained, able to go to school etc?

I think we just need to agree not to make any decisions for 12 months and see how the boys are doing by then. They are obviously our priority. It’s hard to think that having a sibling for them could be a bad thing, but it’s so hard to know.

@SinkGirl I think it's a good idea to wait a little longer 6months/year and see how your boys are doing then. I think if you did have another you would find a way to cope and juggle. It sounds like really your heart wants another and that you may well regret it if you don't at least try. When we dithered about a third my mum said to me she never heard anyone regret having another child but plenty of people, her included, who regretted leaving it too late to have anymore! And I knew I would regret it so we went for it and although it's hard, I don't regret having a third at all, she is pure joy and makes me laugh every day.

I also think after parenting children with additional needs you can cope with pretty much any challenge you face and you have more patience and tolerance, perhaps lower expectations as well, plus as you say you have a lot of experience and know what you could be in for, however, yes it does make you paranoid and on alert analysing every behaviour and wondering oooohh is that a red flag for autism...she should be doing this by now etc which I am guilty of but it can be a good thing to be aware of the possibility. X

I hear you-experienced same desire for another child. It was and still is demoralizing and heartbreaking not to have another child simply due to the overwhelming severity of son's special needs. The worst part is my son was healthy and normal but had a stroke due to medical malpractice. Sometimes I wonder why life is so hard. I know there are others who never get a chance to have any children and I should be grateful but it is still bittersweet

Thank you so much everyone

EKGEMS I don’t know how I would handle that, that’s horrific. I hope you’ve taken legal action so at the least you can ensure that your son gets all the care he needs. I understand to an extent - my boys were developing pretty much normally until they regressed, but having someone to blame must make it harder.

I know what you mean - it does feel sometimes like I must have been a terrible person in this a former life for all this to be happening to my children, and I don’t even believe in that! They just can’t catch a break and it feels so unfair. Of course others are always worse off but it’s okay to feel sad about it.

I wouldn’t have another in the circs, but of course these things are very personal. Good luck whatever you decide x