Sorry this is very long but I’ve tried to be concise. There’s been a series of issues in our relationship which have been very long standing (going on for years at least). Whenever I try to resolve these issues it has historically turned to an argument (due to my DH) which creates more distance between us and resolves nothing. I’ve been working & studying in an intense situation for the last 3 years and we have a 3 year old dd. Because of this I decided to just carry on, stop trying to resolve the issues because of the inevitable arguments and then have a good look at our relationship this summer when I qualify. With the intention of probably going to relationship counselling. I felt like the personal external stress clouded my view of the relationship too much to see things clearly.
However during the peak of my studying/job applying stress, my best friend killed herself. This completely tipped the balance and was devastating. I had to discuss this with a work mentor at the time (due to the nature of my work) and it very ashamedly became a emotional affair. I massively regret this and feel terrible for doing it. It is completely over now and I told my husband about it. However I did initially minimise it and then have further contact with OM for a week before ending it fully and telling my DH again. I’m not trying to excuse what I did, but to give it context I was emotionally very unstable at the time and was just trying to cling to anything to ‘keep going’. I no longer work with OM. There had been problems in the marriage for several years and I could not go to my DH for emotional support.
Now my DH and I have had several big conversations and his intention is certainly to stay in the marriage. He has accepted a lot of my points about what i have been unhappy about and is making active improvements. We are on the waiting list for relate. However if I’m very honest I’m not sure we can resolve the situation and what to do for the best. The atmosphere the last month has been horrendous and I’m really worried about the impact on our DD who is 3. How do you know if you can move forward? How do you know if the issues are just too big? I can foresee us maybe being able to reach a more stable situation through counselling, but I feel like perhaps both of us have done too much damage for it to ever be a properly ‘happy’ relationship.
I know it’s entirely my fault, but my DH doesn’t trust me at all, going anywhere but work creates a very difficult situation. He checks my phone regularly and the atmosphere of tension and anxiety in the house is overwhelming. I dread being at home at the moment and feel very on edge constantly. We are entering into huge emotional conversations about it most nights that go on for hours and I feel I have no capacity for anything else at the moment. I feel like because it’s only been a month I should accept this and I understand I have hurt him badly. He is spending a lot of time staring into space and looking tortured and going into other rooms to lie down, something which our DD has now worryingly started copying.