Separation official, when do I take my rings off? HELP!

[Namechangerforonce]

Hi all, I have been on mumsnet for a while but regularly NC as I am concerned for my privacy and want to make sure I can't be identified in RL.

STBXH and I decided to separate 3 months ago, we told the DC two weeks ago and he moved out to his own flat 10 mins away last weekend. We are on pretty amicable terms, the separation was a joint decision taken over a long time of growing apart and not getting along as a couple. No chance of reconciliation for either party.

This morning I was chatting with a friend over coffee and she asked me why I am still wearing my wedding and engagement rings now that the separation is official, DC know and STBXH has moved out. I didn't have an answer, as I genuinely forgot about the "rings issue", since I have been so focused on all the other aspects of the separation.

STBXH is still wearing his wedding ring too. I feel a bit weird about removing my rings, even though I am not sure why. I am a bit concerned that people at work will ask questions, our separation is not a secret anymore but I have not announced it either. I worry the DC might notice and feel sad about it. I also worry that STBXH might feel hurt if I remove it too quickly, like I was not mourning the end of our marriage (not true obviously). However I appreciate at some point the rings will have to come off.

When is the right time? Should I pick some random date i.e. x months after he moved out? Should I just wait for STBXH to take his off first and then do it? Should I keep wearing it for 2+ years until the divorce comes through (we are going for 2 years separation divorce, we will apply soon)?

In the grand scheme of things it is a pretty irrelevant detail, but I feel weirdly lost on what to do with these rings that I have been wearing every day for so many years!!

I would have removed them at the point of separating I think. Not sure why you would wait for divorce papers to remove a ring. You are possibly over thinking things though. You don't need to set a date to remove a ring.

You're over thinking this. Whenever you feel like it is the right time.

Whenever you feel it is right. As soon as it was decided we were separating, I took mine off as it didn't feel right for me. Ex waited until he had moved out. You don't have to beat yourself up about it but you equally do not have to wait until the two years is up to remove it (because it takes a further five months or so to actually get divorced).

Remove them when you’re ready to and thus comfortable about not wearing them. What other people, including your friend, is their business.

I took mine off as soon as we had told our kids and family however I hadn't been wearing my wedding ring regularly for a few months - partly because I kept catching it on the door handles in our house at the time!!! But anyway if anyone commented and I didn't want to tell them why I wasn't wearing rings, I just used the door handle excuse. Or you could say that you had a sore spot where soap had got trapped.

The odds are that no one will notice them being off - most of the human population are very adept at not seeing anything beyond their own direct interests unless it suits them

I hadn't really worn a wedding ring for a couple of years when my ex and I separated (I used to get dermatitis under it from soap and stuff), so I didn't have to decide when to remove mine. However, my ex removed his when he moved out. As far as I'm concerned, we are both single, so there is no need for rings now, even though we're not divorced yet and the law doesn't see us that way. It felt like a bit of a kick in the guts when I first saw he'd taken his off, despite our separation being instigated by me, so bear in mind that it might make you feel a bit crap when you first see him without one.

There probably isn't a right/wrong time. Just go with what your gut tells you.

I think jewellery which you’ve worn constantly for years can easily just become a part of you rather than still retaining its original significance.

But I also think it’s fine to accept - and even tell others - that even though you might have separated and physically moved apart, there’s still an element of things which don’t feel “over” yet. I shouldn’t imagine that’s entirely uncommon in separations which are amicable and mutual decisions.

Different scenario, but when my mum died my dad kept wearing his ring for a few months (4 IIRC). He needed that time to get used to the idea of removing the ring.

When my SIL broke up with her fiance she had her ring made into a necklace. Similarly you could change your ring and add a stone if you'd like to keep wearing it.

It's your ring, you decide when you want to do what with it. It did signify the union which gave you your children, so it has multiple meanings really.

I wore mine for about a month after he ended things. Took my Rings off to bathe the baby and just never put the back on x

Blimey - that's a lot of worrying about what other people will think.
You can decide to remove them when ever you want.
Don't be led by others.
Do what feels right for you.
It's over 10 years since I wore my rings and still play with that finger. Still feels weird.

I very much doubt anyone will notice - unless your DC are used to sort of playing with your hands? But as you've already told them, it shouldn't be an issue.

I removed my engagement ring as soon as I'd made the decision, but as I'd put on too much weight I had to see a jeweler to cut off my wedding ring 😳 which I didn't do until after I'd moved out.

Ex H threw his ring at me when I said I was moving out. He never asked for it back so I stuck it in my jewelry box and forgot about it. Eventually sold it to Cash 4 Gold about 10 years later. Got about £20 for it.

@hellsbellsmelons
It's over 10 years since I wore my rings and still play with that finger. Still feels weird.

Yes me too! Just occasionally my thumb goes to adjust them on my ring finger... and then goes "NUFFIN DERE SIS"

I would say don’t rush to take them off because you probably can’t put them back on again if it feels too weird!

Maybe ‘practice’ by taking them off at night or in the evening for a bit?

I met a friend recently who is separated for six months, I noticed her rings (they are beautiful) and thought nothing more of it.

Gosh I think some people whose spouse dies wear them forever! There’s no right or wrong

Not sure what I will do, still hoping for reconciliation I suppose. He never wore his ring day to day because of work. I might switch hands as it's not a normal wedding ring, but I haven't told anyone but my (adult) DD's yet, living in hope

You don’t ever have to take them off if you don’t want to!