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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can we talk about boundaries?

6 replies

PenelopePink · 31/05/2019 12:54

Not a TAAT but inspired by some recently as well as realising I have a bad sense of boundaries and am still having trouble telling the difference between someone having bad boundaries or whether I’m being hypersensitive.

What do bad boundaries look like? What are the red flags? Can you tell me your experiences of subtle ways your boundaries have been ignored?

I’ve a close friend for example who always asks what I’m doing and who with and that makes me feel odd. I also suspect I’m in a codependent friendship with my closest friend and finding putting up better boundaries really tough

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 31/05/2019 13:23

Having boundaries, put very simply, is being emotionally literate, self-aware and self-confident enough to tell those around you what you want, what you need, and what they have no business doing or asking. To be able to be vocal about when something isn't working for you. And, in return, the ability to ask the people around you what they need, want and find acceptable - and then acknowledge, accept and work with that.

And I don't mean this odd MN thing where you're supposed to do a "tinkly laugh" and say "did you mean to be so rude?" (which I don't think anyone ever does, for the record.) Just a straight up, "I don't expect you mean this to be so, but what you're doing/asking makes me feel a bit uncomfortable because I prefer to keep the sort of stuff you're asking about private. Can we not talk about it, please? Thanks, knowing you understand me is why I think you're a good friend."

My top tip: always say what you mean and mean what you say. When you don't, you do a disservice both to yourself, because people will do things you don't like; and to other people, because people can't stop doing what you don't like if you give out mixed messages.

I rarely if ever have the sort of conflicts with friends, relatives, partners, colleagues and strangers around me which I commonly see coming up in posts on here. I don't think I'm special or awesome - I just think I've learned to be good at communicating and also (probably the big one) gotten over the fear that being honest with people will make them angry or put them off or cause conflict. Honestly - for 97% of people, it won't, they'll be glad of it, and hopefully reciprocate (and the 3% for whom it will aren't worth bothering with.) Try it once. Even if it makes you feel scared. Once you have, the fear evaporates and you can keep with it.

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/05/2019 13:24

That was an essay, but I couldn’t really be more succinct.

PenelopePink · 01/06/2019 00:34

That’s some excellent points thanks

OP posts:
cheeseislife8 · 01/06/2019 01:10

For me, boundaries are different depending on the nature of the relationship. I have a family member known for taking the piss liberties, so my boundaries with them are different to those with my best friend, say.

It's about setting limits that work for you, emotionally, practically or whatever.

The person in question for me, was constant phone calls, requests for assistance immediately with things that could quite happily have waited, calling round, and demanding to know what I'm doing. One time I said I couldn't do xyz as I thought I had plans that day and got 'why, what else would you be doing?' Hmm It took a while of subtly pushing back, not being constantly available and not feeling guilty about it (mostly) and it's a work in progress but it's better now

The key is not to feel guilty about putting lines in place for your own wellbeing

TurboTeddy · 01/06/2019 02:07

For me boundaries are about understanding where I end and someone else begins.

I am responsible for me and other people are responsible for themselves. I do not have the right to control or manipulate others for selfish reasons or because I arrogantly assume I know what's best for them. Equally I am not obliged to put someone else's wants or needs before my own if that comes at the expense of my own comfort, well being of self esteem.
It means understanding that there is a difference between interdependence and co-dependence.

Healthy boundaries are respectful and rely on kind and truly honest communication even when that is difficult. I have seen threads on MN where people have expressed irritation when people have said "no is a complete sentence" but it really is. I have had to practice saying no and then not offering my reasons to soften the rejection, too often that is interpreted as an invitation to negotiate away your objections by people who do not have healthy boundaries.

My lesson in boundaries was very hard and painful but necessary for me to become happy and contented in my own skin and to accept I won't please everybody all the time and that's OK.

FuriousVexation · 01/06/2019 03:17

PPs here have given some really great replies.

Perhaps a good place for you to start would be to say "I'm not comfortable with that" and just keep repeating it out loud?

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