I really need some advice, I've been with my DH for nearly 18 years (married for 9) and we have a DS who is now a year old.
For a while i havent been happy and i know this but i dont know how much is connected to my relationship with by DH and how much is linked to my depression. I was diagnosed with PND last year when DS was about 6 months old but i think it was much more a recurrence of historical depression that i have had. I am back on anti-depressants and will be attending CBT soon as well so hopefully that will help. My main problem is that i'm not sure if i love DH anymore, i find myself snapping at him and being critical of him, we never do anything together anymore and honestly sometimes listening to him talk all i can think is please shut up. But generally when i snap at him its because i am doing everything myself, i work full time and so does he, the difference being that i am always home for DS bedtime so that i can spend time with him. DH is never home in time to see him during the week and only sees him on weekends and its always a struggle to get him to spend time with DS. I have asked for one day a week to myself (Sat) so that i can have a break and so that he can spend time with DS to bond but its always "what about my time off", never mind the fact that since DS is always in bed by the time he gets home he gets all night to himself. I dont want him to not have a relationship with his DS and i keep pushing but it doesnt seem to sink in. He never seems to take any initiative in the household chores either, if i want something doing i either have to do it myself or specifically tell him to do it and then wants praise when he does, its honestly exhausting sometimes and like i have two children.
I have explained to him that i'm not happy and things need to change and he claims to be making an effort but i just dont see it, and in fact i start getting "you and DS are my life, i dont know what i would do without you" (he has historically said that if he didnt have us he would probably kill himself), and this just makes me feel guilty and also mad, i know he is emotionally manipulating me but at the same time i cant ignore it. I suspect he is depressed but he wont do anything get help and with my own issues and looking after DS i really cant cope with him as well.
I dont have any friends (my own fault, i've isolated myself over the years and become a bit of a hermit) so i think i am afraid that if i leave him i wont have anyone. Part of me is terrified at being alone but another part is absolutely miserable. The other issue is that if I was to decide to leave I haven't got the first clue how.
Apologies for the long post but any advice would be appreciated.