Family life when you are a SAHM

[Struggling72]

For those families where the partner works & the Mum is a SAHM-
How much help do you get with the house chores & the children please? Have you had to discuss what’s fair & work out what works for the both of you?

Our child is one. I won’t go into what my husband was like during the first six months......he knows that he should have helped more.........now he is trying but I have anger that I can’t let go of because I think his trying is still very poor.
He takes our child out for a walk for one hour every weekend. He now interacts with our child for a few mins at a time. Our child doesn’t sleep well & the nighttime routine takes me around 90mins, I come down stairs so drained every evening. He wants praise for the little that he does. It’s hard to explain everything, but even watching our child for 10mins every evening whilst I tidied the kitchen would help me. I can’t speak with him about this anymore because we are on completely different pages & working through a lot right now.

I would really appreciate hearing from other SAHM’s please & if it took awhile adjusting to a healthy balance etc?

My DH works 7-5 mon-fri. I do all the laundry and most of the housework, but I do enjoy housework. I also do all the diy and gardening. He comes home from work and he has a dinner on the table. Then I clock off so to speak. He does the child entertaining, sometimes washes up from dinner but again, I quite enjoy doing it so will often have it done whilst we are waiting for dc to finish eating. He does the entire night time routine whilst I have a tidy up downstairs (put toys away). Dc sleeps through but before when he didn’t we would take it in turns. In the early days one of us would take the reins with the wake ups until we hit exhaustion then we would swap. On the weekend we get a lay in each to 10am. He irons his work clothes. He empties the bins. I take care of the animals. I am very happy with this set up but it’s only been 5 months like this, his previous job he would be home really late, worked weekends and I felt like I was drowning having to take care of dc from 5am (he was early waking back then also) to bedtime. I reached breaking point many times. We also don’t have any family either so I couldn’t get support/help from elsewhere. But with his new job and the fact dc is growing up and becoming easier (he’s 22 months) I don’t hate my life anymore.
I hope you are ok OP, it’s tough

He shouldn't be helping you, it is not your role to be a skivvy.
Mine does more than me and always has done really. Sometimes everything didn't get done when dc were little, but he believed my time should be spent with dc, and it is all our home, not just mine.
He did most night feeds with all 3 of them as he then rested for a couple of hours during the day, then worked a bit at night.
We are all different though, my ds1 does quite a lot too, but I know plenty who don't.

DH would come home and either bath the kids or cook tea - one would wash up while the other read stories. We’d both do some cleaning round the living room toys/hang washing up.

Daily I looked after the kids and do laundry most housework etc, but he’d pick up the slack if it had been a hard day/kids ill needed extra attention etc.

And he’s ‘not helping’ you he’s parenting when he has the baby or contributing to the running of a joint home

He's usually out the house from 7-7 m-f. I do all child/house related stuff in those hours.

He comes home, puts kids to bed - is the only time he sees them in the week. I usually put dinner on while he's doing that. He's perfectly capable of loading dishwasher/wiping surfaces/sorting washing etc. I usually go to bed before him, so he'll put the bins out, load dishwasher etc if needed before bed.

At weekends we are a family. One of us gets up with the kids, the other has a lie in or long shower or whatever. Someone cooks breakfast or goes to Lidl for bread or whatever. If one child has a party, then I will normally take them and he'll take the other one out somewhere, or stay in and build Lego or play in the garden with them.

My 2 are 6 and 4, it is obviously a bit easier now we are out of the baby years.

Sounds like you'd be better off on your own OP xx

(Got distracted and Posted too soon) At weekend days we have days out, go shopping.

I go out one night every couple of weeks with friends for dinner, he has work functions and sees friends every so often too. We both accommodate whatever the other one wants to do - so he will leave work a little early to make sure he's home in time for me to go out, I do lots for his mum and grandma.

If you’re both at home then you both muck in with whatever needs doing. Because you’re supposed to be a team, but I’m guessing he didn’t get that memo.

I'd be giving him clear jobs. DD is 20m, DH works 9.30am-7pm. He takes her for an hour in the morning 7.30-8.30 so I can shower/work/read. If he gets home before her bath, he'll bath her and I'll dress her. Weekends he'll do one wake-up and I'll do the other, and he'll also take her for 2-3hours at a go if I want a break/to garden/whatever. And we do some things together now. I do the cooking and washing, but I'm at home, DD naps and I'm happy to do it. He will wipe down the kitchen in the evening.

It's pretty simple, when he is at work I do everything at home, when he is at home it's 50/50. One of us watches over the kids while the other is cleaning/cooking/showering/chores.

He puts the youngest to bed after a bottle every night and baths both kids. That's his time with them after work to just be with them, talk about their day, cuddle, play etc. He only gets about 2 hours after getting home so he makes the most of it.

I wouldn't settle for anything less. We both made the kids and both have a responsibility to look after them. There shouldn't be any debates over it, it should just happen!

Your partner needs to pull his weight he is being very selfish.

I became a sahm when DC's were 2+7.DP worked on a rotating shift pattern. I did all the laundry, cleaning and cooking and DP did the garden, bins and washed up when on days off or on early shifts. If he was on a long run of late shifts then I essentially became a single parent and managed everything myself. When he was home or on earlies then he was actively involved with taking care of DC's and we took turns at all the child care equally including bedtimes and playing with DC's while I got on with the dinner. He was also more than happy to take over when I did PTA stuff at school or went out and always tried to take a day off if I was ill so that he could take over the household while I was in bed.
When I became a sahm we agreed exactly how to split things house wise and he has generally always been very hands on when it came to the DC's. He understood that if I had a difficult week with one of the DC's then the house was messier and he either stayed quiet about it or helped out. He also enjoyed school drop offs/pick ups/school trips and always did them if home.

It generally worked well but was helped by our 'work to live' attitude and he's enjoyed being a father. If he'd had a 'live to work' attitude then it wouldn't have worked - having a stay at home wife does not absolve a man from any responsibility to parent his own children. It does make me cross when I read on MN of working parents who think that a day at work trumps a day at home toddler wrestling while trying to iron and hoover!

Thank you for your replies. It is helpful hearing from others.
The people that I speak to say that men were never expected to help & why is so much expected from them now after working all week.

My dh did make it clear that he wasn’t going to be hands on. I was happy for the traditional roles. However I didn’t realise how draining it all is & I think my expectations now are very reasonable.

Dh says that he will be better when our child is older. He also says that he is shattered from work and needs the evenings & weekends to relax.

I have asked him to bath our son once a week & he says ok, but he makes an excuse every time......not tonight because I’ve been stuck in traffic.......not tonight because I have an early start........
He has only bathed him three times & I have had to be present. He has never fed him his dinner, he doesn’t change nappies. Or when our child grabs something like a stone & puts it in his mouth my dh will tell me instead of getting up himself. The little things that he doesn’t help with really do add up.
He does sometimes help with cleaning up the kitchen & he cooks for us twice a week.

When I open up to him & talk to him about needing more help. That’s when he uses me wanting a second child against me, he says that I’m not coping & he wouldn’t have another child with me because I’m not coping & angry all of the time.
He isn’t loving anymore & blames me for being an evil nasty person.
I never used to shout at him, but I do now.

I tell him that the anger is hurt. He ruined the day we brought our newborn home because he was being moody. He keeps ruining the experience for me.
Our child is an ivf baby which also adds to my emotional pain. I feel so blessed to have our child but my husband & I have grown apart when all I ever wanted was to have a happy family x

my hubby works shift so it's 50%50 with kids and chores on days he's home but when he works 6am-6:30pm I do all the bits at home...we have his and her jobs so he will mainly empty bins,pick up dog pood,walk dogs,home sit,lawn mowering etc and mine are mainly washing,ironing,hoovering,cleaning,making beds and so on... I normally bath our eldest 2 and he will bath the youngest one but really it's all hands on deck and if either one of us is slacking the other will help out! your oh needs to realise with children there is no such thing as a day off.....my hubby never liked the bathing side and I've only roped him into it now we have 3 but he still plays with the kids and does his fair share in other ways... I'm sorry your feeling like it's all on you maybe tell your oh that you at least expect him to play with his child while your getting dinner on etc....that should really just come naturally to him,it sounds like he's still a bit selfish and isn't pitching in like he should.....I would just deligate jobs for him and say right I'm just going to ...... I need you to ....... and hopefully it will rub off on him x

This was exactly how life was with my ex, in the end I became bitter and resented him. We split and now he has to take the kids - even though he still doesn't do half of what I do - when he has them it's all on him (or more likely his parents) but still, I finally have a break.

Hi OP,
I find men like this very irritating and feel very sad for them.

How does your DH think that he will be better once your child is older?
Does your DH think that a close relationship will just magically grow once your DC reaches an appropriate age? In his opinion what age is this? 3yrs? 6yrs? 10yrs? When they're an adult?
Your DH wants things as they were before and that is why he isn't engaging. He is not engaging because you are no longer making him the centre of your world (quite rightly btw) and he has to share. He has to share you with your DC and he doesn't want to. He is behaving like a child instead. He is choosing not to do more. He is choosing not be a good father. So he's tired after a 'long' day? Well boo-hoo to him. He needs to get with the programme or ship out - a phrase that I myself have used to my DP on the very rare occassions that he hasn't pulled his weight - and take on a proper share of parenting.
OP, this does not make the happy family that you desire. Your DH admits that he could do more and yet he continues and yes, CHOOSES, to do the minimum he feels that he can get away with AND still expects to be praised for the little he does do. When was the last time he praised you in doing a good job raising your child? When was the last time he thanked you for doing the majority of work in the home so that he can have is 'tiring' job/career and be worry free of the day to day household rubbish? As parents we do not expect praise or thanks but neither do we expect to be treated as less than what's on the bottom of someone's shoe.
My ExH was very much like your DH except that I worked full time too. My marriage lasted 18 months after having my first child.

I met my current DP and things were better as he was hands on from the start. He was brought up by a distant self-centred father and a mother who couldn't really balance motherhood with facilitating her husband's demands and my DP suffered for it. This made him determined to be an involved father. Neither parent has had a close relationship with DP or their DGC so I believe that that you reap what you sow.
You can be a happy family with just you and your child. You are not responsible for your DH's relationship with your child. He can make his choices and live with the consequences. Your anger and frustration will not go away unless your DH 'chooses' to take a full and active part of parenting your child.

DH works in a highly stressful job but as soon as he gets home, he gets stuck right in with whatever needs to be done. My ds is 3yo and goes to either me or his dad if he needs anything. My dh appreciates that being a sahm is an actual job which in turn makes me appreciate him even more. We each take a turn on the weekends for a lie in. He also takes ds out over the weekends to spend one on one time with him which gives me a break.
If I had to sit down with a grown adult who created a child and home, and explain to them to step up then frankly I wouldn't be with them.

I think my suggestion here would be to plan to do something with a friend on a weekend or when DH is at home and go off for a couple of hours and leave the child with your DH.
That's the only way he is going to get used to looking after him.
Also I work part time and DH works full time. We had 2 DC, he puts washing on, hangs it out, cooks, washes up, baths etc. I do most stuff but he helps loads with the children as he should.

I’ve never been a SAHM but I did have two maternity leaves that lasted 12-18 months when I was home full time. My husband did the same then as he does now that I work pretty much. He shared all the time when he was home about 50-50, as in he took the dc as soon as he got home and gave me an hour or more each night to get things done that I needed to. He has always done bathtime by himself and we mostly share bedtime (we each take a child). He does the same on the weekends. There’s no sitting around relaxing. We both have things to do and honestly if you’ve been away all day you should want as much time with your children as possible.

I don't get no help at all, DH will come home from work get showered and sit in the chair all weekdays.
We go all go out of a weekend and when we have trips out.
I get no help with the housework or my dc, never have done.
I do everything if I ask for help, I just get told he works all day so shouldn't have too.
Not the fact that his children would like to spend time with him and do something after he gets home from work showered after his tea.
Funny thing is if I was to work if , it I could, I would still be the one to do everything. No nice home cooked clean house for me to come home to that's for sure.
I don't know if it's just him being I don't like to say it lazy. Or whether because he had a bad upbringing where he did everything all house work , cooking cleaning, looking after his siblings ( we were high school sweet hearts so witnessed this with my own eyes) he was basically a slave for everyone in his family.
But it would be lovely to have some help sometimes.

Itwontrainallthetime well I’ll say it, your DH is lazy. I don’t give a shit if someone works all day, when you get home you share out whatever needs doing. It’s not an excuse. Oh and it’s not ‘help’. You both live there.