Turning point in Relationship

[Angel54321]

How do you know if someone is truly sorry for whats happened & really wants to save a marriage? What are the things to notice or look out for? At what point do you decide to give it another go?

Depends what they did.

It depends on what they did:

Something like gambling, then you'd need to see them voluntarily engage with a program, and set up ways for absolute transparency with finances.
Something like cheating also needs lots of transparency and counselling to work though. And even then it's debatable if it ever really works out.
If they hit you or rape you, all the sorrys in the world won't help - get the fuck out of the relationship and never look back.

I think it'd be helpful if you gave a rough idea what the person is sorry for.

Verbal abuse, Shouting, Banging, Slamming, Swearing, Insults to you about you and your family etc. Nothing physical more mental and verbal.

Is anything causing it? Stress or depression or drink perhaps?

If they go off and do some serious work on why they behave like this, do therapy or whatever and then come back to you in 6 months, a year, 2 years later, however long it takes then maybe, just maybe you could take what they say seriously.

He is not sorry at all for what he has done. He may well say that he is but he is not. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse towards you will simply continue and that is a continuous cycle.

Abuse is not just physical in nature. What you describe is domestic violence towards you and as a result your marriage is over. Such men do not change; this is who he is.

I would contact Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and seek their advice too.

All you can do is judge them on their behaviour rather than on anything they say. It's a massive gamble, isn't it?

Men like this need years and years of therapy and AM classes are no answer to domestic abuse. Abusive people also do not do very well in therapy because they often think there is nothing wrong with them and how they behave towards their chosen target.

How do you judge their behaviour when we no longer living under the same roof? Whats kind of behaviour can i judge?

Its such a big gamble and is such a shame I've been in this position once before.

AttilaTheMeerkat: This is what i'm worried about but i still love him and i have such a big decision to make, what would it take?

Thé general professional consensus is that abusive and violant men generally use therapy to learn to abuse more effectively. I'm not sure realistically there's a way back.

Maybe try marriage counselling and he needs to understand why he behaves like that. He has to admit that he has a problem and he also has to accept help and be open. I wouldn't live with him until the counselling was finished and if he proves he has changed then maybe transition back to living together. Sorry is an easy word to say.