Escaped abusive boyfriend but feeling so guilty

[HateWeed]

Good morning,
Three days ago I left my home where I was living with my boyfriend and secretly went into women's refuge... while I was travelling there, he called me and I said I was gonna visit some acquaintances and would come back soon, yet I never came back. Once in the refuge, I changed my sim card and stopped any contact with him...
My boyfriend has always been abusive to me, shouting, swearing, humiliating me, keeping me as a servant in the house, also after he quit his job he never looked for a new one and made me work and pay the bills for both of us... tried to coerce me into taking out loans and commit fraud, thanks God I resisted.. he also threatened me with physical violence many times, trashed our house, also said that if I ever left him, my parents would pay for it... Now I am free and should be celebrating it, but I now feel so sad and guilty... because I took all the money with me and he's got none, he will basically go to the street soon... Have I done the right thing by not giving him any more funds?
Why am I feeling so low and so guilty? Why am I still caring for him even though I am very sure that he doesn't love me, but just my money? How to overcome this? I would like to start planning the things I always wanted to do but which were forbidden by him, yet I have no energy to even do my laundry or cook my breakfast...

You are in a good place now . Speak to the women around you for support
You are drained and exhausted because you have gone through so much emotionally.
Don’t even think about going back you have already done the hardest part .
Well done and good luck in the future.

Slowly life will get better for you . Take care x

You have absolutely done the right thing by leaving.

As for the money, from what your post says, he doesn't work so it is your money that you have worked for?

My only concern would be who's name is on the bills, rental agreement of the property you were in but if any are yours, I'm sure the refuge will help with that.

Try and channel those emotions elsewhere, think of all the times he did abuse you, was he feeling sad and guilty..... I very much doubt it x

He's the one who should be feeling guilty. You've done exactly the right thing and you owe him nothing.

The money was mine, he hasn't been working for about 5 months. He tried to apply for some jobs and even went to some interviews, however later he would never show up at workplaces... for many reasons: the job was too hard and too low paid, he had pain in his body, he hadn't slept enough last night so was unable to do 8 hours shift... When I tried to nag him that listen, we need more money to cover bills, please get any job, he would reply: 'It is not necessary for me to take up any job as I know you have lost of savings.'
As for rental agreement, I am not on it anymore. I lied to him that we could save on council tax if only one of us was on it, so he agreed to have it assigned to him plus all bills... after that I stayed just a little bit and then escaped...

You've absolutely done the right thing and well done for walking away with your money too, very clever and he deserves all that's coming to him

Get yourself settled into a nice home and avoid ant contact with him forever - he's bad news

It will take time to recover from the horrible situation you were in. Try not to feel any guilt, the fault is all squarely his. Problems will be resolved and you will start a better phase of your life. Very well done on escaping!

You are a strong amazing woman.

I'm in awe of your strength in getting away from this man. You have been through an enormous trauma and you are probably in shock. You WILL fell better and you WILL be able to do all the things that you want to do.

You have the rest of your life to be free and happy, just give yourself time.

I am trying to enjoy my freedom, but it is still hard... at least now... I keep thinking about how much my ex cried after he realised he'd lost me for good... And somehow I feel sorry for his pain. He used to cry and regret after any violent assault towards me, and this makes me think that he isn't 100 per cent bad person...
I want to get rid of this feeling because I know I don't have to care for him. Yes, he understands that his behaviour isn't normal, but he never put any efforts to change... never took the medicine prescribed, never avoided things that make him nervous, never tried to force himself into work...

You have definitely done the right thing. It was his choice not to work so if he wanted money, he had options.
As the sole earner, that money is all yours.
Please look after yourself! Well done for escaping! Xxxx

Full credit to you for escaping. You need to stay gone from his life too.

Tears can be manipulative and such manipulative men really do know how to play their target, in this case you, all too well here.

You feel sorry for his "pain" because society also on a much wider level has women known for being nurturing and caring. He took your kindness and ran with it. He abused you into the bargain too and they all say sorry after they have pummelled their target. Its empty words. Such men hate women, all of them. Where he goes now should be of no concern to you and I doubt he will be on the street. Such a person will use their outward charm to snare another target before that happens.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?
I would read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your behaviours. Enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid could help you no end going forward also. Your boundaries, already somewhat shaky to begin with, have been further eroded by this person and these need urgent revising upwards.

And do you think he feels guilty; no he does not. He has shown no remorse.

If he was genuinely upset about his violence, he'd make sure he never did it again.

Definitely speak to those around you for support.

But also be aware that your emotions of guilt etc are coming from a place of having no boundary function. You have become enmeshed with him, and so you believe you are responsible for what happens to him.

You aren't. He is now receiving the consequences of his own actions. Whatever happens to him in the future is as a result of his own actions.

He can get money, he just has to work rather than sponging off you. If he chooses not to, it's on him.

Keep on reminding yourself of that. He's an adult, and he is not your responsibility. It was only your poor boundary function that kept you with him for so long. Don't let it allow him to suck you back in. Instead, read about boundaries and learn how to be boundaried.

This is the start of a whole new life and could be the start of a whole new way of being. Good luck

You’ve done the right thing you are so strong I know how hard it is to walk away even when you know it’s the best thing for you.
My abusive ex would cry and make me feel like the bad one and would say he would kill his self without me. I used to give in and within a few days he would be back to emotional abusing me or hitting me.
One day I punched him back in the face and tried to strangle me.
Long story short if I hadn’t of left then I think he would of killed me.
Don’t feel sorry for him, if he abused you he’s an awful person who will never change. He does t sound like he has a lot going for him either and you do. Focus on YOU and again you are a strong amazing woman for getting out of it on your own it takes so much strength to do that. I had a friend help me and if it wasn’t for her I’d probably be dead.
Keep working keep socialising and start going out with friends and forget him. Good luck op x

Look, no-one is really 100% bad - if he was 100% bad you wouldn't have gone near him in the first place. But he's too bad for you. He hurt you, smashed up your home, controlled you, stole your money and you got away. He is bad. He is bad enough.

You've taken the first step and freed your body. Now you have to keep taking steps so you can free your mind and your emotions.

Please speak to your keyworker today, you need some support with these feelings.

Write down everything you can remember about the bad things he did to you. Every time you start to remember the good things, go back and read your list of bad things. Nobody is 100% bad, but this man has far more bad than good. You wouldn't eat something that is 10% poison, and you shouldn't stay with somebody who is 10% poison towards you.

It's only been 3 days op. You have a lot of trauma to work through, which will take a fair bit of time. You are effectively in a kind of emotional A+E at the moment. You need to treat yourself with the greatest gentleness and kindness.

People like your ex are very clever at brainwashing - to the point that in the end their target is addicted to them. His tears were designed to make you feel sorry for him - when it was you who needed the care, not him.

You wouldn't have got a place in a refuge if things weren't very bad at home. What you describe of your relationship is modern slavery, you the slave. He has brainwashed you to feel sorry for him and serve him. It's all fake, a lie. It is not your job to serve him and never was.

It will take a while for these intense thoughts and feelings to die down - ime it took 10 days to 2 weeks. In the meantime, don't take those thoughts seriously, you are detoxing from a toxic relationship and these feelings are part of the journey to you being free.

Hold on, talk to people at the refuge. You've done so well, come so far. Well done 🌸