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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What am I supposed to tell her?

11 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 31/05/2019 01:09

I really need good advice right now as I feel a lot of responsibility to my friend who is having marital trouble. In a nutshell, she and her DH have three beautiful kids and have been together for 16 years...following ther birth of their first DD 13 years ago, he had an affair with my friend's best mate.

She left him but he begged her and begged her. Convinced her it was just sex. Well it wasn't for my friend's friend....she loved this arsehole and wanted to leave her own DH for him. Anyway....it all worked out and my friend and her DH reunited and settled.

Now, he's begun going out socially with a woman of 25 years old who he met at work. It's awkward because my friend knows this woman well herself and the young woman has repeatedly invited my friend to join on these nights out but my friend feels awkward as though her DH doesn't want her to join in.

So she's just put up with it....then yesterday a man came into my friend's place of work and angrily told her that my friend's DH has been "sniffing around" his fiance. This is an entirely different woman...an older one but very attractive. My friend is devastated. I can tell she won't leave him though...she loves him and the idea of a happy marriage so much that all she seems to do is try to work out how to win him back.

Is there something....some resource or advice that I could give her? I know if it were me in this situation I'd end the marriage immediately....given his history it's not on at all is it!?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 31/05/2019 02:16

I don't think you are supposed to tell her anything. Sadly, this is a situation outside of your control, and your friend needs to find her own way through it.

Original poster

HennyPennyHorror · 31/05/2019 02:55

What can I say to make her feel better though? Is there anything that's tried and tested in these situations? Some resource perhaps?

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 31/05/2019 02:58

You could always suggests she posts on mumsnet, I guess.

MajesticWhine · 31/05/2019 05:36

It sounds like she needs to get real to be honest, rather than feel better.
She really shouldn't be trying to win him back - in doing so she is just rewarding and reinforcing his behaviour.

Maybe you could recommend a book?
This one is not bad. Infidelity: A Survival Guide New Harbinger Publications https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1572240873/ref=cm swwr smssawdb t11_s4k8CbGH4Y1YV

Horsesforcourses23 · 31/05/2019 12:49

There is nothing you can do in this situation. My friend is married to a serial cheat and she know's there has been so much evidence in the past including me having to tell her.

I think you can only be there for her and let her know she's not alone.

Very sad though x

Hidingtonothing · 31/05/2019 12:54

Have seen Chump Lady mentioned on here before, have a look at the website and see if you think it might help?

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/05/2019 14:23

I think you just need to gently ask her to think about what she’d tell a good friend to do, if her situation were theirs; make it clear to her that you think she deserves better; and then say you understand that any decision she reaches will be a difficult one but that you’re happy to listen when she needs to talk.

You can’t make anyone do what you think is right and if it is the case that she values financial stability and the idea or performance of a happy marriage over an actual faithful marriage then, well, that’s her choice to make and she wouldn’t be anywhere nearly the first.

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/05/2019 14:25

I know if it were me in this situation I'd end the marriage immediately

And I think we all “know” this until the decision becomes ours to make. I think it’s also important that you don’t belittle (even if unintentionally) her rationale by making her feel that it should be an easy and obvious decision and thought process.

AgentJohnson · 31/05/2019 15:45

We may not necessarily agree with her decision but it is her decision to make. All you can do is be there for her when she needs you.

Halo84 · 31/05/2019 23:11

It appears he is a serial cheater.

I don’t think there is anything you can say if she’s adamant on staying with him, other than to be there for her as she sorts out her feelings.

mumofthemonsters808 · 31/05/2019 23:50

IT doesn't matter what you say, you will be wasting your breath,she already knows what her Husband is, she will insist that she loves him its like a state of learned helplessness.He is a player, different women wIll come and go over the years, only when he become old and sick, will she then have his undivided attention. Its so sad, when women live their lives sharing their Husbands and experience so much hurt, pain and disrespect and it's awful for the children stuck in the middle.

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