Tell me about detaching but not leaving.

[AliceAbsolum]

I'm too attached to DH. I pretty much revolve my life around him. Desperate to spend as much time with him as possible I'll only make plans if he is busy, etc. It's ridiculous! He doesn't do the same with me.

I'm overly involved in trying to get him to get off his phone, or work less, or be more intimate with me. But of course it doesn't work.

I need to live...my own life? Any ideas on how? I worry I'll go to far and we will end up like housemates or something.

Any help or sharing of experience really appreciated.

Alice I don't know but you seem to be voicing real concerns ( like intimacy) and then twisting the problem round to being your fault. Does this ring a bell with you?

I'm not sure it is my fault - intimacy is definitely his. However, I choose to give my power away. Hes not taking it from me.

I just don't think its normal to run after someone when they don't give much back. For all I know he feels suffocated and overwhelmed.

Even in that last comment you are coming from the angle of his feelings. You are married with a supposed life long commitment to being together. If being together makes him feel suffocated then I suspect that the marriage may not be working. Are you sure he is giving you what you need? If he were, then maybe you would feel desperate to be with him.
It is possible that the fault in behaviour lies with him and not you.

Would * not feel desperate....

I think I'm too needy for someone to give me exactly what I need. Seriously the well of validation will never be filled.

I'm sure we are both at fault, but all I can change is my behaviour...

OP you're behaviour isn't healthy in the slightest and it's really good you've recognised it.
Do you work similar hours? Or do you have work friends you could grab a coffee with after work? I don't know much of your situation but IME starting small like going shopping when you know he's going to be home, maybe only to get bread and milk or all day retail therapy! Take it as it comes because from your DHs perspective, yes I would 100% feel abit overwhelmed.
Make a list of things that interest you as a person, it's very easy to lose your identity when in a long term relationship or marriage, you tend to sometimes take on the personality of your partner whilst forgetting your own.
You'll get there OP it just takes adjusting and patience, don't beat yourself up top much

you're your

"starting small like going shopping when you know he's going to be home, maybe only to get bread and milk ". That's helpful. I remember going to a town by myself for the first time, it was such a revelation! I'll happily go anywhere when he is working or busy, but if he is around I am just trying to engage with him.

We are just so opposite, its been 48 hours into the row now and he hasn't msgd me, normally I'd have cracked, I've not yet, but its so hard. How do people manage to back off so much? I know if we made up this feeling of anxiety and restlessness would ease and at the moment I'm chasing after that. Well, I'm not, I've put my phone away, but the urge is strong.

Do you work? Have any hobbies that you do outside the house? Have friends who aren't his friends?
It sounds as though you (feel the) need to develop a sense of self that is independent of your relationship. I think that's pretty healthy.
Maybe you can then gain a sense of perspective on whether the relationship is working for you.

OP have you ever sufferered with anxiety? Sorry to sound abit cynical or like I'm trying to put a MH label on you but as a sufferer myself you sound very similar to how I used to be with my DH.
I had a fear of abandonment and felt if DH was home we would have to be interacting, if he wasn't home then I'd busy myself until he returned but think about him constantly then almost like a puppy who had waited all day for its owner I'd be so grateful he came back.. every single day he was working or wanted to go anywhere without me.
It got to the point where I lost touch with friends/family as he was the centre of my universe. Looking back it was completely irrational and unhealthy.

Anyways sorry for derailing abit but I can relate alot to how you're feeling. In the end I booked myself in for CBT and was given propanolol for the anxiety I was feeling, gradually I started just going to get either bread/milk when he was home, then visiting my mum for an hour, to an evening meal with my friends and just built it up from there it's been 3 years since I felt that way and I can honestly say I feel sooo much better. still get excited when he comes home though

If one withholds it can set up a craving in the other. Almost addictive craving, SO painful.

Maybe he doesn't withhold and that's just his way. Whatever way, it is painful for you. It stops you from living.

You've no choice but to try breaking away and see what happens. You can't go on living the way you are.

You said it's 48 hours since the row - can you explain a little about the row?

Did you initiate it by voicing your insecurity or did he initiate it by voicing his feeling suffocated?

It's so hard to change your attachment style, I feel for you

Arrange a one off with friends when he may or may not be around.

Decide that you want to take up a regular hobby or be a volunteer and deliberately make it at a time when he might normally be around.

In short just say you are going to book in to do x on y and do x on y. Think about what a young kid would do, they go for what looks fun or interesting and don't worry about others so much. If you could do it as a kid you can do it now.

OP I think you really need to give your DH space. Living with someone who wants to be around you constantly must be really smothering. Your DH is entitled, as are you, to have interests outside the home. My DH has lots of interests that do not involve me, I don't have nearly as much, but it means that when we do sit down together we have plenty to talk about. Find interests outside the home and you just might find that there's a dividend of him actually finding you more interesting again and wanting to spend more time with you. What did you find interesting before married life? Do you still have the same friends? If you have lost touch with friends try and contact them again and make arrangements to see them, on the night's your husband's at home. If this isn't possible why dont you try some local drama groups if you're not interested in the limelight they may need people to help behind the scenes. Remember validation of self can come from people other than your partner, friends and other family members are only able to do this if you let them. You risk ruining your relationship with your DP if you can't keep these feelings in check and you could also loose him that's all the initiative you should need to do something about it.

I'm overly involved in trying to get him to get off his phone, or work less, or be more intimate with me. But of course it doesn't work.

OP, can you explain this a bit more? I don't see much wrong with encouraging someone not to be a workaholic or stuck on their phone 24/7. Certainly part of a marriage is intimacy. Is it him withholding attention making you desperate?

Or are these techniques that DH is applying to get space?

I can't tell from what you've said.

I’m in the USA and long for people interested in others. The climate of anger and judgement in many here is not my cup of tea. Has anyone heard any really good new music ? I finished watching Dr. Foster
and The Fall , good shows. In your movie theaters do people have their cell phones on ? They do in where I live.

I like talking and smiling and people that have opinions. Just don’t encounter people that are interested in being open here in California. I write poetry and music, favorite song is “Dying To Live” by Cat Stevens.

Would love to be in the UK, English people know what true conversation is. Also just watched the new John and Yoko movie.

Wish I could write music with Julian Lennon.
I met him in Santa Cruz , he is a really beautiful human being. I often wonder why so many here in the USA live in fear of being close. Hope to hear what your day to day is....Take care